Now That I've Found You...

I've been meaning to do this.

For a long time I've struggled with how to write, how to think, how to pray. A while back I got jacked up, people. I did...and I think I'm still recovering. It shouldn't take this long. I pride myself on getting through things, getting over things, walking things out, moving on. I pride myself on being practical. I am, however, an over-analytical person, and this is something I've had to analyze to death, beat it over the head and then leave alone.

And now it's time to move past it.

Summary: while my mom was going through chemo and radiation treatments to treat her stage 3 colorectal cancer, I got messed up. The more we prayed and the more people who were praying, the worse she got. She would have one setback after another. The first few months I did ok. I stayed close to Jesus, relying on Him to strengthen me through it. He was gracious. Then I got mad. It just seemed like we had no break. One thing would go wrong, then another, then another. What can you expect with poisons wreaking havoc? But anyway, I came to a point I had never, ever in my life come to - I gave up. I stopped believing that God cared. Now you gotta know that it had to take a lot for me to come to that because I'm a believer that God will give out the 'good' as well as the 'bad.' I'm a firm believer in His sovereignty. I believe completely that if He didn't make it happen, he can allow it to happen. (By the way, whatever your theology is on this, I don't care to argue it on my blog so don't start cause I'll delete it.) I believe that the things He allows, He allows through His hands, His fingers for a reason, and ultimately it's for His glory. Because of my belief, I've always accepted the 'good' and the 'bad' because I had the understanding that it would always work out for HIS good. And it did.

But this...this was new territory, and I could see no good in watching my mom in as much physical pain as she was in...time after time, day after day. I couldn't see the good in all of the hospitalizations. You gotta understand, her case wasn't the norm. They've got some of these treatments down to a science. But if it could go wrong, it did with her. She was the exception to every rule. So anyway, seeing what I did and experiencing it was pretty heavy duty. I know it may sound lame, but I just couldn't take it. My focus and trust had shifted.

I got angry. And when people would ask what I was learning and blah blah, I would give them a very superficial answer. It was good. Real good. But it was only what they wanted to hear.

I think finally I've been able to quit analyzing the situation and let go of all that nonsense. Little by little. Maybe there's still junk there from it, but at least I'm moving forward. I don't wanna be that way. I can't. A good friend said it like this - how can you walk away from something that has become such a part of you? At the sake of sounding shallow, I think that's a good place to start.