Birds Fly

My mom woke up not feeling the best yesterday. It seems her long-acting pain pill is going right through to her pouch a lot of times. Now...to make a long explanation short, it's okay if the pill does that after a few hours. However, if the pill goes right through within the hour, it means Mom probably didn't absorb any of it. Then she just has to take the break-through pain pills. That's all fine and dandy, but it take a bit for those to kick in, so until they do we just...wait. We'll meet with the pain doctor tomorrow, and hopefully he'll give us more solutions for this. Pray that he does!

I headed out to the LJ to hang out with my cousins and some new faces. We had fun times and good food, and it was just nice to have a change of scenery.

With the Cuz


Apparently I can't keep my mouth closed ever


The 4 of us...and a bad photographer

First of the Last

So we left El Campo sometime just after 6 this morning for Mom's chemo treatment - the first of the last round of this stuff. They first infused some nausea medicine and then a drug that helps the chemo to basically be more effective. That's that part that took the longest - about 2 hours. After that they infused a quick 10 minutes of her chemo drug and sent us home with a pump that will continue infusing until Sunday sometime.

Mom said that she felt spoiled because she was in a private room with her own television and was offered all kinds of beverages and food. She didn't really take advantage of any of it, though. As soon as she put her head on the pillow and wrapped herself up with the warm blanket, she was out for pretty much the entire infusion.

There are, of course, many side effects that come with chemotherapy, any chemotherapy. Not all chemo is the same, and therefore, not all side effects are the same. Not only that, but our bodies will react differently...all things to consider. The oncologist and pharmacist told us what the most common side effects are and gave us prescriptions for meds to help control them.

So far, Mom is feeling okay. It's a couple of days after the treatment that she may feel the effects. For now, please pray that these side effects would be minimal - no mouth sores, no diarrhea, no vomiting.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

My blog is currently under construction so the pictures and some links are going crazy. They'll be back, but it'll take a little time.

Tha Banana

Have I mentioned how grateful I am for the people who bring smiles to my face? This is the Banana, who came to spend a couple of days with me earlier this week. From Indian food, to the beach to late nights and early mornings, the short time she was here flew by but was the best spoonful of sugar.


As time goes by...

It's NOT the User

Apparently I don't know how to use wireless internet. My mom has been going to her office for several hours when she's having an okay day. Today was one of those days. So what I typically do is drop her off, set up her computer, remind her to drink her juice and head off to Bay City (she works about 7 minutes from there). There's this coffee bar in Bay City with free wi-fi, so I go today with business in mind. By business I mean just stuff I have to do...all requiring the internet. I spent about 20 minutes trying to log on without success. So I call my computer tech cousins, and one of them really is amazing with this stuff and can walk people through fixing anything over the phone. Well, I don't know what's wrong with me, but the ridiculous computer wouldn't sign on. Ugh. I even tried the lappy that the green gobblin got to but only to be even more frustrated with the entire thing. Of course, I started blaming it on their system, but it was apparent that their system was fine when a 75 year-old 2 tables beside me could get on the WWW with no problem. So frustrating!

Eventually I decided to quit wasting the luxury of my time and returned to my mom's office. It's better that I'm here. I mean, I feel bad when I 'drop off' my mom and leave anyway. I should be here, you know. What if she starts feeling really bad. Yeah, it only takes me a few minutes to come get here, but still. At least here I can remind her to drink her juice.

So it looks like I'll be heading up to Kansas for the 4th of Jul to see the hubby for at least a couple of days. Yay!

Drive Much?

Do you know what the left lane is for in the Unites States of America? If you do not, apparently you are among the millions of Americans who chose not to show up on the day they taught driving at driving school. If you know what it's for and insist on driving in the left lane even though you're going slower than the people on the right lane, then you are just the kind of person...who really makes me mad. Do you realize that this action causes more accidents than running red lights? Okay, so I don't really know that for sure. Actually I made that up, but still - it's probably close to true...just as close are you are to getting hit by all the crazies trying to get past you while you idle next to the car on the other lane...going the same speed...for 20 minutes. Seriously?!

I've made several trips to and from Houston and other places the past week, and I'm certain that more people than not don't pay attention to the law that states that one should use the left lane for PASSING. Seriously.

Moving on to more important matters - so...my mom got her chemo port inserted yesterday. It's almost just like the one they inserted when she had the TPN. It's in a vain that runs from her arm to her heart, and this is what they'll use to infuse the chemo.

Mom's first treatment will be on Friday morning. Originally they told us she'd only be infused at the hospital for 20 or 30 minutes. They lied (I don't think they meant to). She will actually be infused for about 3 hours. Then she'll carry a little fanny pack home that continues to infuse that yuck stuff for 48 hours. They still plan on beginning with small doses and will increase them gradually.

Overall she has been better. It's sometimes hard to see that from day to day, but thinking about her state 2 weeks ago and even last week, I know Mom's definitely improving. It's as the doctor said - a slow healing process. I'm such the "microwave American." I want things here and now. (On a complete side note - that does NOT mean that I at all condone the actual use of microwave ovens. You should really consider yours. Really. Consider tossing it in the landfill that is. Or if you're into the whole global warming thing, you can recycle it or whatever. You can even make artsy stuff with them.) Wow, that was a total rabbit trail...

Let me just say that I should've been asleep 10 hours ago...which really means at least a couple of hours ago. I've gotten in this terrible habit lately of staying up late, sleeping in till like 8 or 9 sometimes...unless we have to leave for the hospital at 6 am that is. I don't like it. I quit this staying up stuff years ago when I realized how hazardous it was to my wannabe healthy lifestyle. I'm all about the early bird catching the spider or whatever. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of 'inspirational' thinking, chatting, writing, and I'd love to share that one day soon. I just get so sleepy when I start to blog. Maybe after I nap.

The Green Space Monster

You know that feeling you get when you think you've lost your wallet (or when you actually do lose it)? That's what I get when Nathan says, "I think the computer crashed..." You say, "But Susy, you're a pretty responsible person. I'm sure you have back ups."

Well, you'd think I would have learned that lesson years ago the first time I lost everything. And by everything I mean 3 really important things, or sets of things. I had been working on 2 different projects, manuals to be exact. I had been working on one of them for a good 6+ months, and it was something that I had promised someone. The other one was mainly for my purposes, but both were still pretty important to me. I had put hours of thought and application into these, and in one moment, they were gone. Okay, so maybe I could recapture most of the information and over time re-write them, but what I couldn't ever get back were the pictures I lost.

That was item number 3. But, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, it wasn't just one item. These were hundreds of pictures, hundreds of memories...now gone. This was exactly why I had been so reluctant to go digital. I knew something like this could happen, and it did.

So after that incident you think that I would have started some kind of back up system. Ugh. I can be such the procrastinator. My pictures are gone again, and I can't blame anyone but myself (and that little green guy). Sure, I could call Mr. Gates and find out why in the world his software isn't working. I could ask Nathan what in the world he did (or didn't do) to lose my stuff again. I could even try to blame mr. devil for ...keeping me distracted so that I wouldn't make the time to back up my stuff. But I can't. After the last crazy crash, I should have done something, but I didn't.

So now here I am - no pictures (except the ones in photobucket or the few in my jump drive), no files, nothing. I've recently started using an old portable computer (aka laptop). Note the keyword old. Because it's old and broken (the screen can hardly hold itself up), it runs like the first computer we owned back in 1989. Mr. Portable gets super upset if I try to run more than one program. Oh, and opening more than one tab in Firefox, oh, forget it. He has a cow and refuses to even function most of the time. At least it works, thought, right? Yes. And at least I can connect to write to you folks. But I definitely can't depend on him to store my stuff. I will not do that again. Beginning now I'm storing on a jump drive until I figure out what kind of back up system to use. I just know that this can't happen anymore.

What's the moral of this story? There is none. I just wanted to share about my computer frustrations and remind you to back yours up because you never know when it'll decide to blow.

Oh, and let me just say that I believe there are aliens (yes, I think they're green) running around blowing alien juice into computers and inserting locator microchips into our feet.

Rollah Coaster

You know that feeling you get when you've run like 15 or 20 miles? Hmm...not so much for some. Okay, you know that feeling you get when you've been on a roller coaster? It's like you're on this high. That is unless you've ridden it so much that it can practically put you to sleep. Okay, not the greatest examples. Maybe it's that feeling when you're looking forward to riding a roller coaster. That's what it is. You're anticipating this great and wonderful experience. Yes, it's fun, but it's amazing because of the people with you. That's what it is. It's the people that make the difference. That's what it's been for me. My people have made the difference. My people have made me laugh and cry, and they're just really beautiful. I love my people. I love how different they all are and how they make all things beautiful. They inspire me to experience life without reservation. They give me life, and they make me want to ride roller coasters.

Dear God, thank you for all the beautiful people you've given me...and for the roller coasters.

Jaded

If you know me, you know that I try to be optimistic and look for the good. Today it's hard. Today it's like I don't even want to. It's not that I only see hopelessness. No. It's just one of those days. I used to never allow myself those days, but I realize that I can't stop them now as much as I may want to stop them. I gotta let these days come, and I gotta deal with it.

Today I miss my husband. Today I miss...so much. I feel very selfish in even writing this because I shouldn't have complaints. There is so much good...

...but there's still today. There are still very real situations that I have to accept, and I'm trying to do that without dishonoring God or any person. I was told that it's okay to be weak. I am just that today. I'm disillusioned and sad, and I hate to admit it. I hate to not be the strong one. But today is a very real day. I'm trying not to think of the losses, of what's been missed, but today I can't help it.

That's today.

Tapering the Pills

Mom has been working on tapering her pain medication. It's been going okay, but she's had to take more Tylenol. That's not a bad thing necessarily. Actually, it's a great thing if Tylenol rather than the strong stuff can take care of the pain. She does have 2 extended release meds she's on. One of them is a patch that releases narcotics for 72 hours. The other is a pill she takes every 8-12 hours. Considering how much she was on in the past, it's really good that she only takes the Tylenol in between.

Yesterday we found out that on the 24th of this month, they'll be doing the procedure to insert the port through which she'll have the chemo. The next day the doctor will evaluate her, and her treatments will begin Friday, June 27 as long as he clears everything.

It's funny, I mean, it's really not, but that's the term people use. Um, so we've been all over MD Anderson and have pretty much figured our way through almost the entire facility. It's a huge place with departments here, there, and everywhere on this that and all 12 floors. Getting from elevator A to elevator G then to another clinic through the sky bridge feels like an accomplishment. In fact, the staff have a name for the walk (from one elevator at one end of the building to the other). So anyway, there are places we walk past that always bring this thought, "Hmmm...I wonder what ___ (some cancer department terminology) means. I wonder what that department does." I quit asking that question. It seemed as if every time I asked that, my mom would end up there for some reason or another, and those reasons not having anything to do with her scheduled treatment. It was always due to some setback or whatever. That's why I don't like walking new-to-us floors; my curiosity always asks, "I wonder..."

When we were there last week, Mom was the one who asked the, "I wonder..." question. Well, now we know one of the mysterious places is where she'll be receiving the chemo infusions every other week. Our crazy curiosity. At least this is part of the game plan.

I know, I know, I shouldn't live with that fear of, "Oh my goodness, if I say anything she could end up in this place or that." I know that. I know that I don't dictate what happens with my mom's treatment, her life, or anyone else's for that matter (including my own). Sometimes those thoughts just come.

Our prayer request remain the same: please pray for continued healing, strength, energy, appetite, and the house. Yes, my mom's house is still up for sale, and we would soooo like for it to sell today! Being in Lake Jackson would make this journey a little more comfortable. Family does that. They make everything better.

Find What You're Looking For

Does this ever happen to you - you're reading something, but your mind isn't even there? Then you get to the end of the page or paragraph or whatever completely clueless about what you've just supposedly read. So you have to go back and read it all over again. This happens to me a lot lately. In fact, it happens so much that this used-to-read-at-least-2-books-per-month gal hasn't gotten through even one book this year. I haven't found anything to capture and hold my attention. I've reverted to my health and nutrition books, but even those can't keep me for long.

But back to what I was saying - so I was trying to read last tonight, and nothing is making sense. I'm going from sentence to sentence just getting through the page. Then one phrase catches my eye so much that I actually make sense of the entire thing. "...knock a bit louder, you begin to find you are dirty."

It was talking about the whole seek, knock thing. I was seeking tonight. I wasn't searching inwardly or doing self-evaluation or anything like that. I was looking for something totally different. Something inspiring maybe. Something encouraging. I mean that stuff is everywhere, but it was this 'cleanse your hands' part that made me stop.

And then it came - "Oh my goodness..." I said it out loud and didn't finish my thought because I was busted. To make a painfully long 15 minutes short, I literally was taken from one verse to another about clean hands, pure heart...intentions, all that.

Seeking God means knocking at His door. Psalm 24:3 asks who may knock and have the door opened. Verse 24 says, "HE WHO HAS CLEAN HANDS AND A PURE HEART..." It's not talking about perfection. None of us would be able to come. It's not about getting our act together before we come. No, otherwise there would be no need for Jesus. No, I think it's talking about integrity, motives, character.

You know how we do this thing that we call 'venting?' I do it, and I allow others to vent their frustrations with me. I mean, we can't keep them bottled up; we'll go psycho, right? I've been in positions where venting was a natural part of what I had to listen to, and I was fine with that because I had this policy. If you wanted to vent, fine, but that's where it ended. As long as that was the end of it, and I didn't hear about it anymore or it didn't go anywhere else, that was fine. It had to end there, and sometimes it meant action - like confrontation, etc. When it comes to listening, I can pretty much deal with it and stay neutral.

The thing is that it doesn't always end there. Can I just get real here? In the name of venting, I realize that I recently almost took it too far. In fact, from what I was reading tonight, God might call it slander. Thus the "Oh my goodness!" *sigh* I know, I know, I can be such the drama queen sometimes, and no, I'm not telling lies about people, nor am I outright calling someone names. BUT the way I made someone appear to someone else that doesn't even know, was no better. It was wrong of me, and I have to make it right. Ugh. That's the yuckiest, most humbling part.

My friends, I'm not telling you this because I want you to think that I'm blessed with humility or have even a false sense of humility. If anything, it's the opposite. The thing is that I've learned and grown in the past from the honesty of others when they've made mistakes. The other day I was talking with a friend who challenged me to be completely real when I write, when I blog, when in conversation, when everything with everyone. She challenged me to be completely vulnerable when I was really weak and allow the world to see that we all have very real, doubtful, crazy moments. It's definitely hard for me to show weakness because I'm supposed to not be the weak one. Says who? *shrug* I don't know.

I do know that I want to 'find.' In order to find, I have to seek and knock. Knocking doesn't always bring about what we think we're looking for, but what our eyes are opened to in the process is always what we need. And that's when we find what we're truly looking for - or WHO we're looking for.

It's Raining Outside

I watched the rain fall and thought about this - (please note that these are very premature thoughts...haven't sat on them for long...just my first observations)...

Rain - the purpose of rain for vegetation is nourishment. Plants cannot grow without water. Even though it doesn't rain every day,many plants are watered daily. Different geographical areas receive different amounts of rain during the year, according to its needs. The desert is just that - a desert, so it receives very little rain. Rain forests are the opposite.



God has ordained geography just as He has ordained how much 'rain' we receive in our lives. When it rains, it's for nourishment. It's so that I don't get dry. The hard times are so that I draw close to Him and continue to depend on Him as my source. Some seasons have more rain than others; some people have more rain than others at different times.

Sometimes rain can seem constant. In my case, I believe it's because my heart is so prone to being wayward. I am so prone to depending on me that the Lord must allow rain to fall so that I am constantly aware of Him, constantly aware that He is my source, my life, my all. I would die without the rain; pride would surely be my death.

So the rain - good or bad?

And here's one last thought this day - if I knew no rain or storms, how could I know the sunshine? If we knew no dryness, how could we love the rain?

No Cocktail

That's right - Mom's oncologist told us yesterday that because the pathology report on the entire tumor was so great that she won't need a cocktail of chemo; it'll just be one drug. He wants to begin the treatments in 3 weeks, as long as she's gained some weight and her recovery has progressed a bit more. She'll go every other week for 4 months (for a total of 8 treatments) and be infused at the hospital for about 30 minutes. She'll remain hooked up to a machine that will coninue to infuse the chemo for 48 hours. The machine is similar to what she had before with the TPN.

The oncologist has been along the ride (for the most part) so is completely aware of how sick my mom was just a couple of months ago as a result of the treatments. He has been awesome and reassured us about the whole thing. He said that with these infusions, he'll be able to better monitor the side effects of the chemo and will keep a very close eye on her. She'll have smaller doses than what she had before, and if at any point she begins to get sick, we can just stop the treatments, hopefully having completed at least 4.

Sure, it kinda stinks that she has to undergo more treatments, but it's an understatement to say how highly they recommend the post-op chemo. Her cancer was advanced, and they want there to be the smallest possibility of reoccurrence as they can get to. Okay, so yeah it may stink, but we got some pretty incredible news. Now, we already knew about the pathology report - there was zero cancer left when the surgeon went into cut. What he cut out was scar tissue and what they call complete treatment effect. The 18 lymph nodes that were removed had zero cancer. No margin of what was cut had cancer. It was all zero, negative for cancer. That was awesome news to us. Here's what we didn't know - that kind of pathology report is almost unheard of in these scenarios (the location, size, and stage of cancer). They attempt to bring it down to 10, sometimes even 5% cancer, meaning that there is still cancer in part of what they remove. The surgeon's PA had told us how great of news it was to have 0%, but I guess we didn't know really how to compare that. We just assumed it was normal to have that kind of report. Not so, friends. In fact, the oncologist's PA told us this kind of report is very rare. AMAZING!!!

I'm smiling as I type this because I'm just in awe of God's goodness. Yes, my mom still has a ways to go, but we're seeing miracles in the process of this mess. A beautiful mess.

Thinking about it almost makes me speechless. Notice I say almost. Yeah, that's because I want to thank you for not only reading my rambling blog after blog, but also thank you for praying so faithfully for my mom. I believe that these miracles we see are in direct relation to all of the prayers on behalf of my mom. As I've said before, God knows ahead of time what we need, but He asks us to ask Him anway, and I know it works. HE works. He works it out according to His will, and though we don't know what that is sometimes nor do I completely understand it, I do know prayer works. THANK YOU!

With that, I ask that you pray for:
-Continued physical healing from the cuts, movements, everything that took place during surgery
-Strength & energy - my mom gets super tired very easily. Please pray that she regains her strength more and more every day so that she can feel a bit more normal.
-Appetite & weight - since the surgery, she has been hungry only twice, and though that's normal, it's be so much easier if she had an appetite. Yes, she's eating because she has to, but Mom said today that it's really hard when you can't enjoy what you're eating because you're just not hungry. She's lost a couple of pounds since last week, and that's not so good. She's eating more and more, so we aren't completely sure why the weight loss. She needs to gain it in order to be able to heal better and more quickly.
-Ileostomy - well, the pouch that she has to wear isn't the easiest to live with. Don't get me wrong, we're incredibly grateful that technology has given her the opportunity to really heal from the surgery, and we're super thankful that this is temporary. BUT that doesn't negate the fact that this is a huge adjustment. Pray that the frustrating part of it wouldn't be so frustrating.
-House - last but not least, my mom and her husband are trying to sell their house so that they can live in Lake Jackson (rather than El Campo). Her husband's business in now solely in Lake Jackson (he commutes over an hour twice every day), and the family is there as well. It'll be way more convenient there. Please pray that the house would sell soon!

Okay, I know, lots of stuff, and I tend to ramble on and on. Again, I do appreciate your prayers more than I can say.

Sweet Home

My absence was due to internet connection issues...well, lack of connection is really what it was. We came to my mom's house in El Campo on Friday and pretty much spent the weekend unpacking and getting settled. Since nobody has been living here since January, they cut off the internet and cable. It was just in the past day or so that everything finally got to working.

My mom was feeling pretty well on Saturday morning, so we spent several hours at my niece's swim meet. That was a nice distraction from the unpacking. Since then, Mom has been getting really tired. I don't know if the weekend caught up with her or what, but I do also know she's still healing and will be for a while. I try to remember what the surgeon told us - the healing is going to take a WHILE. It could take months, and it could get frustrating. That's why Mom needs all the cheerleading she can get. Where are my pom-poms when I need them?

We're getting ready to head to MD for her appointment with her oncologist. Hopefully he'll let us know today what kind of chemo cocktail they'll brew for her last round of it, and hopefully it'll be as mild as they can make it.