Hand-Washing

Today marks exactly one year that we started this Army journey. One year that Nathan has been gone, and oh how we've missed him. Oh how we miss him now. Though the Lord's grace is sufficient, though His hand has provided peace and joy, it's hard. The year has flown by, but when I think of the 5-6 more months we have not living together, it can't go fast enough.

Someone said something to me like, "As much as y'all are used to your life, it'll never feel quite right until you're together under one roof..." I don't know that I'm 'used' to this, though. There are daily challenges that would be here regardless, but I don't know that I'd ever get used to this. We try to make this as easy as possible for the kids, mainly Xander, and because he's young and doesn't know differently, it's been ok. But each time Nathan is able to visit and gets ready to leave again, it gets harder and harder. God's grace is sufficient for each season - I believe that with all my heart. I can feel it lifting, though. Or does that happen? I don't know. Whatever it is, my heart is beyond prepared for all of us to be together again.

And I'm anticipating the challenges that will bring as well. But we decided a long time ago that we have to walk through these challenges together. That's the only way to do it. We can't allow them to come between us but must allow the Lord to work in and through us in those difficulties...to prune us, to change us, to glorify Him.

What was my challenge yesterday? Not having a working dishwasher. What? Long story, but the bottom line is dishes have to be hand-washed, and how annoying is that?! I'd much rather be throwing dishes in a dishwasher so I can spend more time engaging my children. For a while I was feeling like I was wasting soooo much time doing something so dumb. Yes, it's part of caring for my family, but it's still dumb. Well, since there's no getting around this, I figured I may as well do something useful while I hand-wash these dishes. If Xander isn't up for helping the entire time (I love that he's at that stage where washing dishes and helping is a great thing), I spend the rest of the time memorizing Scripture. I do it some with Xander because he's also at that stage in which he can memorize oodles of books, but he likes to narrate what his cars and toys are doing while we're washing dishes. Sometimes the cars are in the car wash, sometimes they're in the pool. Whatevs. It keeps him occupied, gets dishes cleaned AND gives me time with him. We're currently doing Psalm 139 - something I should have memorized a long time ago. So much I'm learning from meditating on bits and pieces at a time. And it's getting into his little heart as well. Whether he understands it or not, I'm praying it stays there so that eventually, when his mind can wrap around the meaning, it'll be right there.

So...hand-washing dishes has been a blessing to us. They don't get done when I'd like them to get done. It may take all. Day. Long to get them done, but it's become a blessing. Oh, and when we ARE in a place with a dishwasher, you bet I'm going to use it. And love it. And appreciate it more than ever in my life.

You know, back in the day, people did fine without dishwashers and 10-16 kids at home. And people do fine without them today all around the world. This is very much a first-world problem.

"How did I get myself in this situation?" Ever wonder? I've had a number of conversations with friends during the past few months that have had a very similar tone - how did I get here? 

We find ourselves in the middle of a great big mess - sin usually, and we have no clue how to turn back to Jesus. It's been ages since we've really communed with Him, and we have no idea where or how to start again. 

This didn't happen overnight. It didn't even happen when we made that final decision to just give in. It all started when something didn't go our way, when we got hurt or a prayer didn't get answered the right way, and we became offended with God. It was subtle, it was a little thing...or maybe not. Maybe it was a really big deal and instead of bringing it to the feet of Jesus, we allowed bitterness to take root within our hearts. Then little decisions here and there steered us away from Him. Because something didn't go our way. 

I guess I ask now - since when was this walk about us? Since when was my life about me and my comfort, health, healing, marriage, happiness? Since when was God obligated to make things work out for me and my benefit? Oh, we read Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 and think it means God will work things out for our happiness, but that's not it. God's plan, purpose and future for us is not to benefit us but for HIS glory, HIS name, HIS sake. Amazingly, those plans do bring us joy, fulfillment and all those lovely fuzzies, but it's not always hype, it's not always mountain tops, and it's not always hi-ho. 

Who are we anyway? In our culture of superstars, super heroes and celebrities, we somehow think God owes us our 5 minutes. But we're not that important, ya'll. Don't get me wrong, yes, we are the apple of God's eye, He sent His Son to die a gruesome death for us...but somehow we think He owes it to us to make life what we think it should be, and we fall of the wagon when things get a little slippery, boring, hurtful, hard. 

A friend of mine said this: Everything in me wants to pray that my children would live peaceful, happy lives and be spared from pain, but it is more beneficial for me to pray that they would live lives that glorify God no matter what circumstances they face, and that their joy would be found in Him alone.

Yes, and yes. And my prayer is that we be parents that exemplify that for/to them. May my joy and purpose be found in Him, not what He can do for me, where he can take me or how He can use me but in Him. 

Nothing Else Matters

What's on my mind lately? Lots. But time on a computer with a keyboard is limited, so I'll stick with one of the main things stirring with me.

Three weeks ago a friend from Bible school lost her 2nd born to a disease for which there is no cure. He was 2.5, and it was just a year ago that they were given his diagnosis (Mitochondrial disease and Leigh's syndrome). The day of his diagnosis changed their lives, and via blogging and FB, I was able to keep up with what was going on with little Caleb. A year later...Caleb is with Jesus.

Like most people,  I cannot begin to fathom the pain Jessica is feeling. I can't begin to imagine the whole in her heart and that of her family. And that is where I am. I grieve with my friend. I rejoice that Caleb is free from anything that held him back and from pain and from sickness. But I still grieve because he was loved so whole-heartedly and is now gone.

I also hope and trust. I praise God that Jessica knows Him and has her foundation in Him completely. I praise God that though there is pain, though there is grief, she sees a bigger picture - she sees Jesus. I know her hope is in Him. I pray that I would trust Jesus as I have seen Jessica trust Him. Our lives, our children, our futures are not in our hands nor are they ours. Our lives are in the hands of the Almighty and exist for His glory and His name. I pray that our family would trust Him and find our peace and joy in Him no matter the circumstances. May we glorify Him with our lives. Nothing else matters.

On the Road Again.

If I'm going to return to blogging, I have to start somewhere. So hi. Welcome back. Let's get right to it...like old friends picking up right where they left off months or even years ago.

 The season is changing. Not metaphorically speaking. I think the first day of fall is sometime next week. It's overstated, but time is flying. Yet for our family, sometimes it doesn't fly quickly enough. Time flies and yet crawls. It flies because these 2 crazy little people are busy busy and keep me busy busy. It's so much fun, and I'm loving it. BUT without Nathan with us, time can't go fast enough. At this point we're thinking it'll be April-ish when we're able to join him. It can't. come. fast. enough. We're not dwelling on those things, though.

Let's see... Xander turned 3 in August. Slow down, child. He talks. He does that really well. When we're at the park, he's the cautious one on the playground among his peers. He'll play, but he likes to talk to the parents. He likes adult talk. He'll let people know about "Jonah was waaah waaah," and "The foklift was on the Lowe's twuck." He jabbers all day long. About everything. As he's playing, he narrates to me everything he's doing, "Mommy, there's the Lowe's twuck (he likes Lowe's trucks)...there's the firetruck...they're going to Starbucks...and the library..." Xander likes quality time. On the rare occasion that I turn on a movie for him, he wants me to sit and watch it with him. He gets that from his dad. When we read books, he always holds my hand or arm somehow, almost without thinking. It's super-sweet, and I relish those moments. Right now Xander doesn't ask a lot of why questions. He wants to know "what" more than why. "What is that, Mommy?" "What does that mean, Mommy?" He likes Star Wars and pretends everybody turns to the good side of the forest (force). He likes Wipeout and playing the big red balls. And he likes the story in the Bible of Jochabed putting Moses in the Nile. Oh and David & Goliath. He could be a different character in one of those stories every day, and he'll tell you, "I not pwetending. I David, Mommy." He walks up to people and tells them, "I'm Luke (Skywalker)," "My name is David. Whas you name?"

Jonah will be 1 in just weeks. I still haven't documented his birth story, and it's time I did. Maybe next week sometime. From the beginning, Jonah was more 'baby' than Xander. Jonah fussed and cried more even from day 2 or 3. I could just tell he would be more 'needy' than X. He crawled at 5.5 months and tries so hard to keep up with big brother. Ah, but not far from mommy. If he notices I'm not around, he'll immediately "uhh uhhh" and start looking for me. His little smile gets me every time. He tests things a lot. He knows when he's not supposed to do certain things, and at 10 months will look at me as to ask permission. I'll say, "No, no." But he'll smile big and do it anyway. It takes everything in me not to smile back at him. He gets super-offended when Nathan tells him no, but me - he thinks I'm a joke.

Though there may be 99 toys around, Jonah will want to play with the exact toy his big brother has. Most of the time, Xander has things set up just how he wants them (he's so very particular and perfectionist). So here comes Jonah knocking things over, Xander screaming "NO! NO! NO! JOOOOOONAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOOO!" Then there I come, usually from the kitchen, for the 15th time. Xander can be pretty nice, actually. A lot of times he'll say, "Mira, Jonah, look what you can play with," and hands him some kind of toy. Jonah usually looks at it and passes because all he wants to do is whatever big brother is doing. And then starts the raucous all over. Yes, we do want more babies. They make our world go round. Ok, that's a start.

I have really REALLY wanted to blog oh so much during the past several months, but I keep having issues. Not having a computer with a keyboard is a big drawback to typing. I can use my phone, so it's not impossible to blog, but it's more time-consuming. Aaaand being efficient is pretty important to me. So for now...we'll see. Oh, and I'm also thinking of starting a new blog. Fresh. But I also like history. There's something about where we've been and where Jesus has brought us that I'm not sure I want to do away with as it relates to blogging. So...for the few (or the only person) who read(s) this, any thoughts? Start fresh or keep the old?