Return to Sender

Well, Nathan got to call last night, and THAT was a great thing. All is well with him, of course. He was more concerned with me chilling out, which is his phone call helped accomplish.

The Mail
I tracked the package I've been waiting on, and it is now back where it originated...leading me to believe that all our mail has been returned to sender. There is literally nothing more I can do to fix any of this so I move on to the next thing...

...Birth Supplies
I need to pick up and prepare all of the items we'll need to birth this baby at home. Then there's a trip or 2 to Dallas I'll be making.

I'm tired. I just want to rest and sleep.

The Ticket and Mail

So the ticket...

...I drove 30 minutes to Rockwall yesterday to take care of the crazy thing. I get there, show the lady the papers, and she says I don't have the right stuff. She needs the emissions test thing. Um...I don't have that lady because I no longer live in an emissions testing county. But she was way too involved in herself to pay attention and blew me off, telling me I needed it, and she wouldn't listen to anything else I had to say.

I get back to the car and melt down. God, can you please make something go right for me?

I drive 30 minutes back to Greenville and tell the people at the inspection place what happened. The guy tells me the affidavit I signed saying I no longer live in an emissions county is good enough. He has nothing else because that's what I need and the lady was wrong.

I get back in my car and melt down. Again. Is this all really happening? What button is God trying to push? Really, tell me now because it's all getting beyond what I can take.

X & I eat lunch and yes, drive all the way back to Rockwall (another 30 minutes), and I had an entire speech ready for rude, incompetent woman.

Then I'm reminded of a sermon I recently heard from a very humble man about 'magnifying' Jesus in all situations because we don't know how much that next person really needs him. We don't know how depraved they are. We don't know anything about them except that if we simply allow each situation to 'magnify' Him and His character and all that Christian stuff, it might make just a tiny bit of difference for them. If nothing else, it'll certainly work to change us. And isn't that what it's all about - being conformed to His image? Blah. Why did I have to be reminded of this now?

So I justified in my head that part of magnifying Jesus was to speak the truth in love, and because of that I still needed to give her a piece of my mind.

I go in and without a smile or any kind of goodness, she asks, "...so you have the paperwork..." Kindly but firmly I let her know that I have this affidavit, etc etc. And I'm reminded of magnifying Jesus and a verse that says "...a kind word turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger..." She listens this time, looks at it all again, and I can tell that she feels bad. She said I hadn't shown her all the paperwork. I felt like arguing and proving my point, but I just said, "Well, it's all there. Can we take care of this?" Something like that. I did mention something about feeling like I had been blown off. She apologized for my having had to drive so much when it could've all been taken care of the first time. I was just ready to move on to the next thing...

...THE MAIL.

I believe in efficiency, so while I was driving all eternity that morning, I made several calls to both post offices and also to the Army Family care people to figure out if there was anything else in my power to 1) find my mail, and 2) obtain a military ID without the ppwk Nathan had sent.

I made a visit to the Rowlett post office and spoke with a kind supervisor. He still had no answers about where my mail was but at least I believe the forwarding will begin to work itself out. Let's all please pray this happens.

I then drove to what the army guy on the phone told me was the nearest ID place about 30 min from where I was). He thought if I explained my situation, they could work with me since I was in the system. Wow, could this really be that easy?

Of course not :]

Once I get there and ask the guard to direct me, he says, "Oh, we don't do that here anymore..." He had a smirk on his face so I wondered if he was joking. "That all blew up in mid-September...." Uh...blew up? I still don't know if he's for real. "We don't have the capability to do that anymore...the closest place is in Ft. Worth." Now I knew he was for real.

He doesn't have a physical address (what is it with people not knowing stuff they should just know?), but thank you, God for smart phones that can locate and do all kinds of things so that we don't have to drive an hour back home to figure it all out. I started to head that way and thought to myself to just call and make sure I they can really help me without the paperwork. It was already 2:30 pm. Going to Ft. Worth would put me going back to Greenville in Friday afternoon traffic - an already 1.5 hr drive would probably turn into 3. Xander is a pretty great car rider...but I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of drive if things didn't work out for me.

Glad I called because the lady basically told me that it's impossible to get an ID (insurance) without the documents Nathan sent unless I'm his POA, which I'm not.

This time I didn't melt down. In fact I was quite the opposite - at peace. I've basically done all I can to figure this stuff out, and my hands are completely tied. I'm pretty sure this is where God's supposed to show up somehow. I don't know what that somehow means, and of course, I can count on it being last minute. This may not work itself out until after the baby comes, and we have to be ok with that. But I've done my part, and now it's His turn. Relief.

Well, relief for the most part. Now I just wait.

Oh, I did have another melt down later in the day. But it was more of an I'm-pregnant-and-just-need-to-cry type of thing to release all the stress. Yeah, I did that a few times today too. Gah.

How God Uses the USPS

So I hate to complain about services like the USPS because I think it's pretty amazing that we can write a letter, put a stamp on it and get it across the country in a matter of days. A very wise lady tried to instill something like that in me when I was younger...not to complain about things like that.

HOWEVER, I am TICKED. How is it so difficult to forward mail from one address to another? It shouldn't be, but in our case it has been ridiculously ridiculous.

Nathan almost didn't get to leave because of the mail people. He'd been waiting on an important document that he'd been working on obtaining for over 2 months. For some reason, he couldn't get it emailed so we were depending on the USPS to deliver it in a timely manner. It never came. And his recruiter said that because it was a breach of contract, he would most likely have to start the process over. We were already making plans for that. We thought, "At least he'll be at the birth." The only thing is that we were gonna have to find a place to live fast. Well, low and behold for some reason the people decided to email the document at the very last minute...the last weekday before Nathan's departure. Last minute.

Keep in mind that I'm over 35 weeks pregnant (or something) when all this is taking place. Hello instability. That whole trust thing again.

Well, a week ago Nathan mailed some important documents to me from the Army. Insurance paperwork I need and can only get with some of the stuff that's in the packet he sent. I need that stuff. Yeah, stuff still not here. Nor have I received anymore mail...from anywhere.

Keep in mind that I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant and need this paperwork, and I'm hormonal.

So I decide to keep it Christian when I go to the post office and speak with someone. The lady was nice but couldn't really give me any answers as to where my mail could be. I contacted the old post office. Though the lady there was nice, she didn't have anything either. They both notified the specific mail couriers about the situation, but I still don't have my mail, and they still don't have answers. What the heck is going on?

Here's the thing - in both situations in which Nathan & I have needed these documents, we've done all we could, and our hands have been tied. In a way, it's somewhat relieving because that means Jesus, for the sake of HIS name, is going to have to show Himself through it. But it doesn't make it any less comfortable when it's all happening. That whole trust thing. Blah.

If I really believe what I say I believe - that God is sovereign in all things and works all of these things together for a reason, then I have to just REST in that and move on. And I have to trust that He'll do it in His time...just in time. Kinda like with Abraham and Isaac and the ram. That whole last minute thing...it used to thrill me because of the risk in it all. The excitement of it. Yeah, not so much these days. I think mainly because of the insecurity of not having Nathan right here right now. I may be a 'fix it,' 'get-er-done' kind of gal, but I have learned to rely HEAVILY on Nathan's God-given wisdom. It's just there - it's simple but so very profound to me. I believe it's a gift God gives to the leaders of the home. I can so complicate things, but he can just come right out with the most basic answers, and it seems genius to me. I can't emphasize how much I depended on that. When it's not here, I doubt myself.

That whole trust thing.

Well, for now I just wait. Wait on the mail to work itself out. Keep calling and bugging and try to figure out what to do next...but once my hands are tied, I gotta let the stress of it go. *sigh*

I need a good day, Jesus.

For the 1st time in about 13 years...

Leading up to our move and all of the changes that would be taking place in October, there was lots going on. Lots. Two weeks before we needed to be out of our house, I had to work a week-long conference during which we basically move into a hotel for a week. I had never been away from Xander for more than just a few hours (never overnight), so he and Nathan came and spent a few nights with me. It got super-busy for me a couple of days there, though, so they spent a couple of nights away...way weird.

The weekend before the conference I had to pack what I could and then separate clothes. And you must understand - I'm pregnant and I live in Texas. This means the weather could unexpectedly change at any moment without notice. So it's October, and again, we live in Texas...which means I need summer and fall maternity clothes...as well as some winter stuff since baby will come in November. Then it also means after-baby clothes...and...well, it just gets complicated. Not to mention work clothes for 1 week for the conference...

...get what I was dealing with?

Oh, and then there's the house to pack.

So the packing I could do got done, I worked the conference, got home on Friday and got ready to move Saturday & Sunday. And it still wasn't all done. Then one week trying to tie up loose ends before Nathan left the following weekend. Whew.

Our stuff is in storage, and I'm living in a bedroom at my mom's place until we can move with Nathan. We don't know exactly when that will be.

All that was just an intro to my day. So now you kinda understand the craziness we were dealing with during the past month or so.

That leads to today. I had an appointment with my midwife and had made plans to visit the house one very last time mainly to check the mail then drop off the keys. The appointment went well, and I headed towards the house. I'm driving in a construction zone, and I don't really make much of the cop using his radar gun to check for speeders. A pet peeve of mine - speeders in construction zones. My hubby used to work construction, and PEOPLE, they have lives too!!! I do notice, however, that he raised his sunglasses as I passed him, and he immediately got into his patrol car...and followed me...and stopped me. What?! Oh yes, he did. Why? I'm glad you asked.

The great state of Texas requires an annual inspection to check for emissions blah blah blah. We had been so crazy busy that we didn't make inspection a priority in the vehicle I was driving. I had mentioned it to Nathan, but we just never did it.

Ok, back up to yesterday. Funny - yesterday I actually took said vehicle to get inspected, but it failed because the tread in one of the tires was too worn to pass. So I had planned to get all tires changed anyway, but remember - I had a midwife appt and other things going on today. What were the chances of me getting stopped today?

Yeah, well, it happened, and the jerk cop had no sympathy for my sob story. Yes, I cried. I'm pregnant, hormonal, and I miss my husband. Mr. Copman didn't care. At all.

So after getting home from all the stuff I had to do, I still had tires to get changed and a car to get reinspected. All is well. It all worked out, but I still have a stupid ticket to take care of. It has literally been one thing after another. What gives?

Oh, and our mail isn't being forwarded. I'll save my USPS complaints for tomorrow.

I'm in the Lord's Army

Whoa! It's been a long time since I've posted anything, and that, my friends, was completely intentional.

I'll just get right to it.

The last year was one of the most difficult seasons of my life. Nathan & I had never planned on me working after we had babies, but it had to happen. After realizing how much we needed to catch up financially after he'd lost his job for a bit back in the day, we knew we had to do it. Funny how things work out. As we were beginning to plan some of this, I received a phone call from an old employer asking if by chance I was looking to work again. I was hesitant at first because of the demands of my position there before. I was reassured that much had changed and that part-time was actually what they were looking for at this time. It all worked out, and I clearly remember my first day leaving Xander...

...his daddy held him as I drove out of the garage, and I didn't even take the time to think about that moment because I knew I'd break down. I'd never ever been away from my baby boy for more than just a little while.

That's kinda how the year went. Nathan stayed with him in the mornings while I went to work, and we all adjusted. But it was hard. Very hard. I couldn't understand why certain things weren't working out the way we had planned and hoped and dreamed.

It was a very frustrating year...but I think even more so because I allowed it to be that way. It was a struggle. A big struggle. It was for a season, though, and for a reason.

One of the main things I realized God was (is) trying to teach me is that whole trust thing. It's very basic. Funny how when I was a teenager and at times things got pretty rough (ask me later), I didn't budge. It was easy to trust. As time has passed, that child-like faith they talk about has slowly wavered, and so I'm placed in this situations in which I can do absolutely NOTHING to 'fix it.' I'm a fix it, do it, get 'er done kind of gal, so when there is no way for me to do that, I go CRAZY. And that happened a lot this past year. Time and time again, it was like something nudging me about this whole trust issue. Thanks, God.

Through that God was also preparing us for the next step. And I just advise you to stop reading if you're anti-military.

Since before we got married, Nathan talked about joining the military. We talked and prayed about it every year afterwards, and well, it just wasn't ever the right timing. Again, if you're anti-military, stop reading now because you'll just say that it's never the right time for that. Anyway, a couple of years ago for the first time ever, neither of us had a reservation about it, but we didn't want to made a decision out of necessity as Nathan had lost his job for a little while. So we sat on that for a couple of years. And as we talked about it through the past year, Nathan realized that this was it. It was time. "If I don't do this now, I'll look back in 20 years and regret it." That was one of the lines he said to me that really showed Nathan's desire to do this.

What had held us back before? Why now? Why the army?

Those are all valid questions, but if you're really interested, just email me. We kept the process mostly quiet because of all of you asking all of those questions. Too many to answer, and honestly, we have peace about this decision. We believe in counsel, but we don't believe we need to answer to the entire world.

So Nathan left a little over a week ago. He'll be in Ft. Sill, Oklahoma for basic training until December. Then he'll continue another year of training in the same place. Funny how all of that worked out as well. We've been able to talk every day since he left, but after tonight, we won't hear from him again for several weeks (no phone but he'll be able to write). In fact, baby boy #2 will arrive without the presence of his daddy. That is the biggest bummer EVER...but it was something we knew was a possibility from the start of it all.

It's amazing how God makes us a certain way and prepares us in advance for the task set before us. It doesn't mean things aren't difficult; but His grace enables us.

I mainly took the year off from blogging because I didn't want to vocalize some of the blah-ness of what was happening within my heart. I do realize that this is what humanizes us, and I'm all about being and open book. There are just times when the sounds of silence are better for us. And I think that, for now at least, that season for me is changing.

I've missed this.

Eye for an Eye

Dadgummit. Do people actually say that? I started off wanting to blog more, but really that just wasn't gonna happen on my phone. My lappy's screen completely blacked out sometime last summer or fall, and I've been without one since. Yes, I know there are easy and somewhat inexpensive solutions, but whatever. My hubby works from his all the time quite often, so blogging really became a back-burner thing, though I constantly had thoughts I so desperately needed to release.

What better time to do that than when the most breaking news of breaking news breaks?! If you've been locked up in a cave, you should just know that Bin Laden is now dead. The news broke last night in the middle of Celebrity Apprentice just as it was getting better. I still haven't watched the end of Apprentice, and I haven't Googled to see who got knocked off the show. Side note: act the crazy like NeNe, and someone like Trump is sure to pick you up for ratings. The woman is for real crazy. She may be some act, but the woman is for real. Fo' real CRAZY. Moving on...

...so upon the news, FB immediately went crazy with posts. At first it was just the informative "Bin Laden has been killed." Then it went to "We got him." A friend of mine even posted something like, "...now that he's been officially 86'd..." I can't say I didn't spit out my food laughing chuckle.

But then the posts and comments turned into "Rot in hell."

That grieved me.

Don't get me wrong, people. I believe in justice. But what does that mean anyway? Who am I to say what justice is? Isn't it God who metes that out in His time and in His ways?

I believe in the death penalty. I believe in our military (yes, even in post-WWII times when we are more imperialistic than ever and feel that we use our troops to illegally occupy other countries). I believe in consequences.

I hope that this brings about some kind of comfort for those who have been searching for comfort and closure.

HOWEVER...

I don't believe in rejoicing over someone's soul eternally damned to hell. I don't know for sure Bin Laden's spiritual state...where he stood with my God. But somehow I'm not thinking He was headed where I am. (and I refuse to get involved in the latest drama about heaven and hell that Rob Bell started. I haven't read the book, but if he's just trying to be user-friendly, whatever. I'm not getting into endless, dumb debates.) And the fact that someone else is forever in hell and separated from God...well, it shouldn't bring me to rejoice. I don't think God rejoices over that.

Again, I don't want to get started on debates about predestination and people meant to go here or there. I'm just saddened, grieved by any of us rejoicing over something that is deeper and more serious than "we got him."

I know this guy has caused the death of thousands of people. I know he did evil, evil things. There is no excuse for that. He should be brought to justice. More than anyone, I've wanted the man brought to justice. And as much as my heart may sometimes feel "burn in hell" because of the indescribable pain that he may have caused, I'm nobody to say that he should. That's not my place. Vengeance is not mine.

This has been floating around and thought I'd share:
"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Happy New Year

I can't believe it's been months since I last blogged. I've thought about it like every other day probably, but I just didn't want to do it. I have all kinds of blog-thoughts, but I was on edge for a while, and I'm still not totally comfortable letting my guard down for the world to see...since the world does in fact read my blog :]

I know, I know - that's how we all learn and grow and relate to each other - with and because of our vulnerabilities; however, there is a time for everything, and the time had not yet come.

What better time than the New Year to start fresh?! Lots has happened since my last blog - Xander turned 1 (!!), we finally got back to Texas permanently - Rowlett to be exact, Thanksgiving, Christmas...and more. I'll share about it all soon enough.

For now I'll leave with this - what are you expecting this year? I know, I know - it's every preacher's question to his congregation each and every year, "what are you expecting from God?" But I want to approach it a little differently in my life - what will I do differently? How will I love more and better? What can I do to serve Jesus by serving and loving those around me? That's the only way my expectations can change - that is if I change. If I choose to love and serve more. Seems simple enough...

So here's to a Happy New Year and new expectations, beginnings, and opportunities.