Someone sent me this...
The greater miracle is found in the person who has not received the answer that he is looking for and still loves God.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
End of the Road
So sometime around 11 a.m. today, my mom was released from MD Anderson. We were both a bit emotional when we got in the car. "Thank you, God," were the words from her mouth.
All seems to be going well so far. She has follow-up appointments next week to remove the stitches and then with the pain management people. Other than that, we're hopeful to just visit the clinic for semi-annual check-ups.
It doesn't seem like the end of something. I guess what I mean is that there hasn't really been closure yet...at least not in the ceremonial way I would want there to be. I think I'll have to get the family involved in throwing a party or something.
All seems to be going well so far. She has follow-up appointments next week to remove the stitches and then with the pain management people. Other than that, we're hopeful to just visit the clinic for semi-annual check-ups.
It doesn't seem like the end of something. I guess what I mean is that there hasn't really been closure yet...at least not in the ceremonial way I would want there to be. I think I'll have to get the family involved in throwing a party or something.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Empty Room
Good news - last night Mom had forward progress, and we had a good night...except when the commotion took place next door. The nursing asst had just left the room from doing vitals signs, and we were getting back to sleep when at 4:20 a.m. we hear things drop next door and nurses raise their voices commanding others to do this and that and get this and that and page such and such doctor...and then I heard, "Start CPR!" I tried to close my ears. I heard doctors in and out and within 30 minutes they were wheeling someone from their room. I couldn't sleep anymore. Around 7 one of mom's doctors came in to check on her, and when he left I finally had the guts to go down the hall to fill my cup with water. I realized that both of the people on either side of our room were gone. One room was being thoroughly cleaned the way they do when a patient is released. The other room still had belongings in it. A couple of hours later, the gentleman with belongings in his room was back in his bed.
You know, you (we) try to mind our own business here. We never like to stare into people's rooms if the door is open. Sometimes, though, you just can't help but glance. These days I don't really pay much attention to the other rooms. Yesterday, however, the lady from the room next door made it a point to greet us, smile, and make positive comments. It was nice. When I heard the commotion, I couldn't help but think of her. Her husband is now back in his room. But the other room is empty.
We hadn't experienced anything like that in our time here. We're now on one of the 'heart floors.' I think that means these are people with some kind of heart cancer. I didn't like the sound of all that commotion without knowing what was happening.
So back to my mom - in spite of the restless hours, she had BMs this morning, and she's holding liquids down. I ordered her a drink that's supposed to be sort of a meal supplement. Months ago she couldn't stand the taste. Today she can handle a few sips here and there. She knows she needs the nutrition and doesn't want to go the TPN route again. She was asking for food this morning, so let's see what the doc says about moving to that this evening or tomorrow morning.
You know, you (we) try to mind our own business here. We never like to stare into people's rooms if the door is open. Sometimes, though, you just can't help but glance. These days I don't really pay much attention to the other rooms. Yesterday, however, the lady from the room next door made it a point to greet us, smile, and make positive comments. It was nice. When I heard the commotion, I couldn't help but think of her. Her husband is now back in his room. But the other room is empty.
We hadn't experienced anything like that in our time here. We're now on one of the 'heart floors.' I think that means these are people with some kind of heart cancer. I didn't like the sound of all that commotion without knowing what was happening.
So back to my mom - in spite of the restless hours, she had BMs this morning, and she's holding liquids down. I ordered her a drink that's supposed to be sort of a meal supplement. Months ago she couldn't stand the taste. Today she can handle a few sips here and there. She knows she needs the nutrition and doesn't want to go the TPN route again. She was asking for food this morning, so let's see what the doc says about moving to that this evening or tomorrow morning.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
1 Step Forward and 50 Steps Back
We had a pretty good night last night and actually got more sleep than usual. Unfortunately, this morning hasn't been that great even though we've done the things the doctors say to do. Once again it's a roller coaster.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Patience, Iago, Patience
Mom has now had a full 24 hours without vomiting, and I'm praying to God that the trend continues. This morning her bowels 'moved around' as the doctors were hoping, and so it seems that we're progressing...little by little. Last night it got to where they had to insert the tube, but the process itself made Mom gag and vomit even more. They wanted to give it a little longer before they took more drastic measures (putting her under in order to get the tube in). So no tube last night and no tube today.
God, give us a good night...and a good day...and better days than what we've had.
And what's up with the Colts???
God, give us a good night...and a good day...and better days than what we've had.
And what's up with the Colts???
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Draining
Last night was not a good night. Mom woke up at 3 a.m. with nausea and vomiting, and the same thing happened a few hours later at 7. When he came by this morning, I asked Dr. Skibber's fellow what they were thinking in regards to her nutrition. He said that's not a concern at this moment. They're hoping this will all work itself out before they have to even think about a TPN-type thing. That just gets things complicated, etc. etc.
He did say, however, that if Mom continued to vomit, they'd have to insert that tube thing into her stomach to drain it. That's really not what we want to do because the whole point is to get things into her stomach and into her bowels. The tube would kinda work against that, but if they had to just to calm things down, they may. They haven't had to do it so far.
The key to 'waking up' the intestinal areas that haven't had to work since she's had the ileostomy (mid-May) is for her to walk and move around. Easier said than done when you feel like junk.
One of the anti-nausea medicines they gave her earlier really sedated her to the point of confusion so she's just been sleeping for the most part. It's what I would want to do. Therein lies the walking challenge.
You know, there are people who have to deal with this for years. Years. This has been draining enough on my mom just since December/Jan. I can't imagine years of it. I've never known people with such resolve. It's pretty amazing. I have a little friend, Anya (click on her name), who was diagnosed with ALL, the most common type of children's cancer, the summer of 07. She was only 4. She and her family have been dealing with this for over a year, and they still have at least another year of treatment. It's painful enough watching your mom suffer with this; I can't even begin to imagine the agony of watching your child go through this. Not just that, but Anya has a little sister and brother who also have to deal with the effects of it all. It's a lot, and if affects everyone. Let me say, though, that my friends, Anna & Israel have the same hope I have and stand on that. No, it doesn't necessarily make things easier, but it brings us comfort when nothing else does.
He did say, however, that if Mom continued to vomit, they'd have to insert that tube thing into her stomach to drain it. That's really not what we want to do because the whole point is to get things into her stomach and into her bowels. The tube would kinda work against that, but if they had to just to calm things down, they may. They haven't had to do it so far.
The key to 'waking up' the intestinal areas that haven't had to work since she's had the ileostomy (mid-May) is for her to walk and move around. Easier said than done when you feel like junk.
One of the anti-nausea medicines they gave her earlier really sedated her to the point of confusion so she's just been sleeping for the most part. It's what I would want to do. Therein lies the walking challenge.
You know, there are people who have to deal with this for years. Years. This has been draining enough on my mom just since December/Jan. I can't imagine years of it. I've never known people with such resolve. It's pretty amazing. I have a little friend, Anya (click on her name), who was diagnosed with ALL, the most common type of children's cancer, the summer of 07. She was only 4. She and her family have been dealing with this for over a year, and they still have at least another year of treatment. It's painful enough watching your mom suffer with this; I can't even begin to imagine the agony of watching your child go through this. Not just that, but Anya has a little sister and brother who also have to deal with the effects of it all. It's a lot, and if affects everyone. Let me say, though, that my friends, Anna & Israel have the same hope I have and stand on that. No, it doesn't necessarily make things easier, but it brings us comfort when nothing else does.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Finally Room at the Inn
Okay so we are finally in an inpatient room almost 48 hours later. I took off for a few hours today to shower and nap. They don't have showers or real sleeping places (only beds for the patients) at the ER.
I was hoping for a better day, but it was just kinda there and kinda blah. Mom slept through most of it except to walk and do the breathing exercises every hour. A couple of hours ago the nausea started again, and that makes her miserable because it just lingers. It's also a discouraging thing for her. Coupled with feeling yuck, it's a bit of a downer. She's tolerated ice chips okay, and she also had a little jello, but then the nausea.
Hoping for a better Sunday...
I was hoping for a better day, but it was just kinda there and kinda blah. Mom slept through most of it except to walk and do the breathing exercises every hour. A couple of hours ago the nausea started again, and that makes her miserable because it just lingers. It's also a discouraging thing for her. Coupled with feeling yuck, it's a bit of a downer. She's tolerated ice chips okay, and she also had a little jello, but then the nausea.
Hoping for a better Sunday...
Friday, October 24, 2008
These Chairs Aren't Made for Sleeping
We are still in the ER room waiting for a permanent 'home.' I refuse to focus on the negative, though, because that gets depressing really quickly.
My mom has actually had a little bowel progress, so that's good. That's really good news. She's tolerating the ice chips well, so maybe we'll do the clear liquids tomorrow.
Okay, and these chairs they have in the ER rooms are so not for sleeping. The regular inpatient rooms have the same chairs, but they also have these big recliner looking things that turn into beds. They're not bad at all. Well, they really need to invest into bringing some of those chairs into these rooms because the current chairs are pretty dumb. And they need WD40. If I move too much, my mom wakes up from the squeaking, so I try my hardest to sit here as still as possible. Oh but no more negative. Okay, so at least there are chairs to sit in, right? At least they let me stay here with her 24/7 because we'd both be a mess if I couldn't. And I'm finding ways to get up and move around in the chair without "Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!"
Oh, and some of these ER rooms are custom fit with these toilets that fit under the sink. You just open the cabinet under the sink, and the toilet pulls out. It's stainless stuff, and they keep it immaculate, so it's not like this dirty feeling place. The TP is on the other cabinet door. And the flushing mechanism - it's all a pretty cool set up. It definitely beats the bedside commode things. Way cleaner. Hey, just finding the positives. ??
My mom has actually had a little bowel progress, so that's good. That's really good news. She's tolerating the ice chips well, so maybe we'll do the clear liquids tomorrow.
Okay, and these chairs they have in the ER rooms are so not for sleeping. The regular inpatient rooms have the same chairs, but they also have these big recliner looking things that turn into beds. They're not bad at all. Well, they really need to invest into bringing some of those chairs into these rooms because the current chairs are pretty dumb. And they need WD40. If I move too much, my mom wakes up from the squeaking, so I try my hardest to sit here as still as possible. Oh but no more negative. Okay, so at least there are chairs to sit in, right? At least they let me stay here with her 24/7 because we'd both be a mess if I couldn't. And I'm finding ways to get up and move around in the chair without "Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!"
Oh, and some of these ER rooms are custom fit with these toilets that fit under the sink. You just open the cabinet under the sink, and the toilet pulls out. It's stainless stuff, and they keep it immaculate, so it's not like this dirty feeling place. The TP is on the other cabinet door. And the flushing mechanism - it's all a pretty cool set up. It definitely beats the bedside commode things. Way cleaner. Hey, just finding the positives. ??
Starting Over
The vomiting has been under control now since...the middle of the night sometime. They're going to start fresh with Mom only eating ice chips and maybe small sips of water. We'll progress slowly.
We got here over 15 hours ago and are still at the ER waiting for a room to open.
Yesterday we learned that since January of this year, MD has acquired approximately 30,000 new patients.
We got here over 15 hours ago and are still at the ER waiting for a room to open.
Yesterday we learned that since January of this year, MD has acquired approximately 30,000 new patients.
ER's and Job
So guess where we are...the ER. Unbelievable! My mom just can't catch a break, and I just feel so so sad for her sometimes.
Yesterday (Thurs) morning she woke up with more pain than on Wednesday, and I could tell she just wasn't feel as well as the day prior. Her surgeon's fellow, Dr. Smith, who was beginning a habit of coming by at 6 a.m. to check on her, thought she'd be well enough to go home so began writing the process. She had a little bit of breakfast, but had to stop because of nausea. Then she had a crazy pain incident where for like 20 minutes she was in some pretty good pain. They gave her some stuff...but by that time, the pain was already dying down. I told them I wouldn't take her home like that. The day got better, but I could tell she wasn't feeling as well.
Mom ate only some broth for lunch and walked a couple of times. Dr. Skibber came at a point during which she was feeling okay, and so he gave the orders to release her once the pain management people had worked with her. That took place, and we started heading home at approx 7:57 on Thursday night. Mom slept most of the way, and then it happened...
...we were probably 20 or 30 minutes from her house (I was driving pretty slowly) when she woke up very suddenly and told me she was going to vomit. I pulled over, and that she did. We turned right back around to make it to the ER around 10. They didn't get her in a room until 1:30 this morning.
The first doctor thought she might have some obstruction so he ordered X-rays. Nothing. He called one of the surgeons in, and she basically said that this was somewhat 'normal' for some people after this type of surgery. Her large bowels haven't had to work since May, and they haven't really woken up. Initially they were going to do a CT scan to see if there was in fact obstruction, but she said that if there was, they wouldn't change the course of action.
So Mom is being admitted one more time. They'll keep the fluids going so that she only drinks for taste at the beginning. She'll have to really walk, walk, walk because that's what will help her intestines wake up...that and slower progression into the whole eating thing.
Things have settled now, but let me tell you how angry, upset, hurt, sad, and crazy this all made me when it was happening. Vomiting while you have stomach incisions is NOT fun. I absolutely hate that this is yet one more thing my mom has to endure. It's like it never stops.
So for those of you who read and believe the Bible - I was thinking earlier - do you remember in the book of Job when God was having conversations with satan (lower-case s emphasized)? He was like, "Here's my man, Job...there is no one on earth like him...he fears the Lord..." Satan comes back and says to him basically that the only reason Job is so upright is because God has blessed him so much. However, if He were to strike everything he had, Job would surely curse God. So God allowed Satan to touch everything that Job had. Everything, including his children.
Job still didn't curse God. Satan came back and told God this time that if He struck Job's flesh and bones, he (Job), would certainly curse God. You know the rest.
Do you ever wonder if God still has conversations with satan? Why not? During the past couple of years, and especially this one, I not only wonder, but I almost certainly have to believe that God is having conversations with satan about some of us. The same kind of Job conversations.
I think I may have failed the test, but like Job, I find in my mom someone who (as God said of Job) hasn't cursed God and who has kept her integrity. I haven't had to endure much of anything, and I've pretty much cursed everything that exists. I can't imagine what shape I would be in if I had to endure even just a bit of what my mom has seen the past year. It's just unbelievable. It's like God has been saying to satan, "...she is in your hands...but spare her life." That's what he said to him about Job. He put Job in satan's hands (*jaw drops*). Theologically, I don't even know if any of this...works out, but if he conversed with satan back then, why wouldn't he now? I'm just saying. Whether or not it theologically works out, it's my story and my blog.
Here's some more confession for ya - sometimes I feel like Job's wife who said to Job, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" I really hate watching this process take place with my mom. All the little things and then the big things - they add up, and they make me want to say that sometimes.
What I'm trying to remember is not to believe lies. And what I'm trying to remember is that I'm a believer that there is this God somewhere who loves my mom beyond anything I can imagine. It's beyond a parent's love for his child. It's beyond everything. Yuck junk things happen in this sinful world of ours, and we'll never, on this side of heaven, understand it all. Don't try to explain it to me because I've reasoned with everything and everyone. We'll never on this side understand it. What I am choosing to stand on is my faith. It's all I have left. Faith in this God, who in my belief, is watching out for each of us. You may be someone who doesn't believe that, and that's fine. I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sadness that you don't have that hope that I have. Without it, I would be in terrible, terrible shape. Some can live that way, but I know I can't. I wouldn't make it without the comfort of believing that there is a God who truly cares.
Yesterday (Thurs) morning she woke up with more pain than on Wednesday, and I could tell she just wasn't feel as well as the day prior. Her surgeon's fellow, Dr. Smith, who was beginning a habit of coming by at 6 a.m. to check on her, thought she'd be well enough to go home so began writing the process. She had a little bit of breakfast, but had to stop because of nausea. Then she had a crazy pain incident where for like 20 minutes she was in some pretty good pain. They gave her some stuff...but by that time, the pain was already dying down. I told them I wouldn't take her home like that. The day got better, but I could tell she wasn't feeling as well.
Mom ate only some broth for lunch and walked a couple of times. Dr. Skibber came at a point during which she was feeling okay, and so he gave the orders to release her once the pain management people had worked with her. That took place, and we started heading home at approx 7:57 on Thursday night. Mom slept most of the way, and then it happened...
...we were probably 20 or 30 minutes from her house (I was driving pretty slowly) when she woke up very suddenly and told me she was going to vomit. I pulled over, and that she did. We turned right back around to make it to the ER around 10. They didn't get her in a room until 1:30 this morning.
The first doctor thought she might have some obstruction so he ordered X-rays. Nothing. He called one of the surgeons in, and she basically said that this was somewhat 'normal' for some people after this type of surgery. Her large bowels haven't had to work since May, and they haven't really woken up. Initially they were going to do a CT scan to see if there was in fact obstruction, but she said that if there was, they wouldn't change the course of action.
So Mom is being admitted one more time. They'll keep the fluids going so that she only drinks for taste at the beginning. She'll have to really walk, walk, walk because that's what will help her intestines wake up...that and slower progression into the whole eating thing.
Things have settled now, but let me tell you how angry, upset, hurt, sad, and crazy this all made me when it was happening. Vomiting while you have stomach incisions is NOT fun. I absolutely hate that this is yet one more thing my mom has to endure. It's like it never stops.
So for those of you who read and believe the Bible - I was thinking earlier - do you remember in the book of Job when God was having conversations with satan (lower-case s emphasized)? He was like, "Here's my man, Job...there is no one on earth like him...he fears the Lord..." Satan comes back and says to him basically that the only reason Job is so upright is because God has blessed him so much. However, if He were to strike everything he had, Job would surely curse God. So God allowed Satan to touch everything that Job had. Everything, including his children.
Job still didn't curse God. Satan came back and told God this time that if He struck Job's flesh and bones, he (Job), would certainly curse God. You know the rest.
Do you ever wonder if God still has conversations with satan? Why not? During the past couple of years, and especially this one, I not only wonder, but I almost certainly have to believe that God is having conversations with satan about some of us. The same kind of Job conversations.
I think I may have failed the test, but like Job, I find in my mom someone who (as God said of Job) hasn't cursed God and who has kept her integrity. I haven't had to endure much of anything, and I've pretty much cursed everything that exists. I can't imagine what shape I would be in if I had to endure even just a bit of what my mom has seen the past year. It's just unbelievable. It's like God has been saying to satan, "...she is in your hands...but spare her life." That's what he said to him about Job. He put Job in satan's hands (*jaw drops*). Theologically, I don't even know if any of this...works out, but if he conversed with satan back then, why wouldn't he now? I'm just saying. Whether or not it theologically works out, it's my story and my blog.
Here's some more confession for ya - sometimes I feel like Job's wife who said to Job, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" I really hate watching this process take place with my mom. All the little things and then the big things - they add up, and they make me want to say that sometimes.
What I'm trying to remember is not to believe lies. And what I'm trying to remember is that I'm a believer that there is this God somewhere who loves my mom beyond anything I can imagine. It's beyond a parent's love for his child. It's beyond everything. Yuck junk things happen in this sinful world of ours, and we'll never, on this side of heaven, understand it all. Don't try to explain it to me because I've reasoned with everything and everyone. We'll never on this side understand it. What I am choosing to stand on is my faith. It's all I have left. Faith in this God, who in my belief, is watching out for each of us. You may be someone who doesn't believe that, and that's fine. I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sadness that you don't have that hope that I have. Without it, I would be in terrible, terrible shape. Some can live that way, but I know I can't. I wouldn't make it without the comfort of believing that there is a God who truly cares.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
God is a Socialist
So what do YOU think about 'spreading the wealth?'
Yes, I'm opening up the can of worms and am prepared for the emails as I did with this blog about using the term Christian as an adjective...or a noun. Oh, and by the way, I had a friend ask me some questions about it and thought you might want to have part of my answer.
Question: "Susy, I agree with much of what you are saying but have a couple questions - if we aren't supposed to label ourselves as "Christians" what should we be called? And then what do we do when that label becomes tarnished by those who aren't truly serving Christ? And what are we supposed to call music that has as its primary goal glorifying God through worship with music? "
My partial (but still really long) answer: "...know that is my very personal opinion...all of it. It's not that I deny the term 'Christian;' I just don't like the box that comes with it all the time. I also don't like the expectations that come with it. We, as humans, have expectations out of everyone for just about everything (okay, and when I say 'we,' I mean Susy Poffinbarger herself). "Christian" is no different. If someone labels themselves as that, I automatically expect certain things. Should I? In my opinion, no...but I do it anyway. The thing is that we will never please everyone, and we're foolish to even try. We are to live to please One and love all. Sure, there are certain expectations that may be natural and manageable, but overall, my 'agenda' should be to love all. No excuses. No exceptions. No explanations. That's pretty much where I fail...a lot.
I do believe that we can 'redeem' the term in the sense that those of us who really mean it can live it and change the negative connotation or stereotype that may come with it. I'm not ashamed to call myself a "Christian." What I am is saddened by how I've not loved the way Christ would...and I've done it in HIS name. I don't know if that makes sense. In the past I've manipulated His Word and have hurt others with it. I didn't act like a Christian, and what's worse is that I even used His name to justify it.
So what should we be called or call ourselves? Whatever we want. I don't not use that term, if that makes sense (in other words, I do use it). The topic just came up when I was having a conversation with a young person of a particular religious denomination. He asked me what I was, and I simply stated what I believe and why. It took less than 20 seconds, and he afterwards told me that if I had started with the verbiage, "I'm a Chrisitan," he totally would've ignored anything else I had to say. Why? He had good reasons...and it all saddened me that he had been so hurt by...people like me. People like me because of my often-times ridiculous behavior. Does he have issues to deal with? Certianly. However, knowing his history and the situation and circumstances, approaching it in a different way really helped each of us understand the other.
When that label becomes tarnished by others all we can do is live the way we know to live and allow God to do the rest. It doesn't mean I should quit using the "C" word. Not at all. In fact, if I'm living to love Him and others, sometimes I should use it the more because, like I stated earlier, it can break the negative stereotype that may be there. BUT I shouldn't have to shout it out to the world if I'm living it because my life should speak for itself.
okay, I don't even know if I'm making sense...
Music - let's call it whatever we want - Christian, worship, hippie...whatever. It's music. I guess my point was that just because it wasn't labeled by some people as "Christian," it doesn't mean it can't worship God or reach other people.
A couple of years ago I was going through a really weird time, and I couldn't put my thoughts out there. I was in a friend's car when I heard a song that took what I'd wanted to say and put it out there in words - something I hadn't been able to do. It was my cry to God. Little did I know that it was by a 'secular' artist. I researched it and found that it was a little bit of a cry to God but not about what I thought at all. Either way, I realized this song was my worship... Whatever the purpose of the writing of the song, it could be used to worship Him, and THAT'S what mattered.
So what should we call that music? Whatever."
Yes, I'm opening up the can of worms and am prepared for the emails as I did with this blog about using the term Christian as an adjective...or a noun. Oh, and by the way, I had a friend ask me some questions about it and thought you might want to have part of my answer.
Question: "Susy, I agree with much of what you are saying but have a couple questions - if we aren't supposed to label ourselves as "Christians" what should we be called? And then what do we do when that label becomes tarnished by those who aren't truly serving Christ? And what are we supposed to call music that has as its primary goal glorifying God through worship with music? "
My partial (but still really long) answer: "...know that is my very personal opinion...all of it. It's not that I deny the term 'Christian;' I just don't like the box that comes with it all the time. I also don't like the expectations that come with it. We, as humans, have expectations out of everyone for just about everything (okay, and when I say 'we,' I mean Susy Poffinbarger herself). "Christian" is no different. If someone labels themselves as that, I automatically expect certain things. Should I? In my opinion, no...but I do it anyway. The thing is that we will never please everyone, and we're foolish to even try. We are to live to please One and love all. Sure, there are certain expectations that may be natural and manageable, but overall, my 'agenda' should be to love all. No excuses. No exceptions. No explanations. That's pretty much where I fail...a lot.
I do believe that we can 'redeem' the term in the sense that those of us who really mean it can live it and change the negative connotation or stereotype that may come with it. I'm not ashamed to call myself a "Christian." What I am is saddened by how I've not loved the way Christ would...and I've done it in HIS name. I don't know if that makes sense. In the past I've manipulated His Word and have hurt others with it. I didn't act like a Christian, and what's worse is that I even used His name to justify it.
So what should we be called or call ourselves? Whatever we want. I don't not use that term, if that makes sense (in other words, I do use it). The topic just came up when I was having a conversation with a young person of a particular religious denomination. He asked me what I was, and I simply stated what I believe and why. It took less than 20 seconds, and he afterwards told me that if I had started with the verbiage, "I'm a Chrisitan," he totally would've ignored anything else I had to say. Why? He had good reasons...and it all saddened me that he had been so hurt by...people like me. People like me because of my often-times ridiculous behavior. Does he have issues to deal with? Certianly. However, knowing his history and the situation and circumstances, approaching it in a different way really helped each of us understand the other.
When that label becomes tarnished by others all we can do is live the way we know to live and allow God to do the rest. It doesn't mean I should quit using the "C" word. Not at all. In fact, if I'm living to love Him and others, sometimes I should use it the more because, like I stated earlier, it can break the negative stereotype that may be there. BUT I shouldn't have to shout it out to the world if I'm living it because my life should speak for itself.
okay, I don't even know if I'm making sense...
Music - let's call it whatever we want - Christian, worship, hippie...whatever. It's music. I guess my point was that just because it wasn't labeled by some people as "Christian," it doesn't mean it can't worship God or reach other people.
A couple of years ago I was going through a really weird time, and I couldn't put my thoughts out there. I was in a friend's car when I heard a song that took what I'd wanted to say and put it out there in words - something I hadn't been able to do. It was my cry to God. Little did I know that it was by a 'secular' artist. I researched it and found that it was a little bit of a cry to God but not about what I thought at all. Either way, I realized this song was my worship... Whatever the purpose of the writing of the song, it could be used to worship Him, and THAT'S what mattered.
So what should we call that music? Whatever."
They Deserve Cookies
So Mom has walked quite a number of times today. Around 6:30 this evening she also had her first solid meal. It wasn't a steak or anything like that, but so far so good. No nausea, no vomiting. Good stuff. Not just that, but she's moving around really, really well. I'm thankful.
Our experience at MD Anderson has been a very positive one, and I attribute that to the staff. I've said it before, they have been wonderful (all except for the crazies on the 4th floor). Tonight one of her nurses from her last surgery came in because she saw her name on something and just wanted to see how she was doing. This is a nurse that Mom and I talk about often because she was so great. She came and gave my mom this big hug and seemed so genuinely happy to see her and to see her doing so well. How nice is that?! Oh, and yesterday while she was still in the recovery area, the nurse that attended her in the ICU during her last surgery came to check on her. He, too, was one of our favorites. It takes a gifted, yes, gifted man to care for patients the way a woman would. Women are naturally nurturing so we sometimes wonder how it'll be with the males. No complaints. Some are more nurturing than others, but they've all been great.
Okay so the one thing that's a lil concerning to me right now is my mom's incision site area thing. I call it that because it's not really a cut, but it's where ...they put her back together. Anyway, they didn't staple it because it's what they consider a contaminated area (it's where the ileostomy was draining). They only sowed it shut with what looks like just 2 really big stitches. It's more swollen now than it was yesterday, and the nurses have said it's fine. Mom's temperature is just steadily climbing, and so of course, I wonder if something is developing there. They don't consider anything a fever until it hits like 101, and she's only at 99.4. When we were here during the other hospitalizations, low-grade fevers didn't concern me. Today, this paranoid daughter just wonders...and prays. Yes, sometimes these temps are because the body is going through abnormal trauma, etc. I know. I just wonder. Yes, they're keeping an eye on it...
...as they do all other things. Again, I'm thankful for the great care my mom has received here. I've heard and seen terrible things from other places, and I'm just glad that with all the setbacks we've seen, that my mom's doctors and nurses have been so understanding, attentive, and just plain nice.
Our experience at MD Anderson has been a very positive one, and I attribute that to the staff. I've said it before, they have been wonderful (all except for the crazies on the 4th floor). Tonight one of her nurses from her last surgery came in because she saw her name on something and just wanted to see how she was doing. This is a nurse that Mom and I talk about often because she was so great. She came and gave my mom this big hug and seemed so genuinely happy to see her and to see her doing so well. How nice is that?! Oh, and yesterday while she was still in the recovery area, the nurse that attended her in the ICU during her last surgery came to check on her. He, too, was one of our favorites. It takes a gifted, yes, gifted man to care for patients the way a woman would. Women are naturally nurturing so we sometimes wonder how it'll be with the males. No complaints. Some are more nurturing than others, but they've all been great.
Okay so the one thing that's a lil concerning to me right now is my mom's incision site area thing. I call it that because it's not really a cut, but it's where ...they put her back together. Anyway, they didn't staple it because it's what they consider a contaminated area (it's where the ileostomy was draining). They only sowed it shut with what looks like just 2 really big stitches. It's more swollen now than it was yesterday, and the nurses have said it's fine. Mom's temperature is just steadily climbing, and so of course, I wonder if something is developing there. They don't consider anything a fever until it hits like 101, and she's only at 99.4. When we were here during the other hospitalizations, low-grade fevers didn't concern me. Today, this paranoid daughter just wonders...and prays. Yes, sometimes these temps are because the body is going through abnormal trauma, etc. I know. I just wonder. Yes, they're keeping an eye on it...
...as they do all other things. Again, I'm thankful for the great care my mom has received here. I've heard and seen terrible things from other places, and I'm just glad that with all the setbacks we've seen, that my mom's doctors and nurses have been so understanding, attentive, and just plain nice.
Walking
So it's a bit past a 11 a.m., and already Mom has been walking twice! Since she's tolerating the clear liquids well, she has been bumped up to an all liquid diet. The surgeon's fellow came just before 6 this morning to remove the dressing and let Mom know that she could go home as early as tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Snap
We're not settled in my mom's room, and she's already been up walking...well, to the facilities, but it's walking nonetheless. We finally got to see her for the first time after her surgery around 6 this evening. After everyone took their turn, I stayed with her from 7-8, when they transferred her to a room. Seeing her was completely different from her last surgery. She didn't have all those tubes coming out of her body, and she was pretty much awake. Sure, she was still sleepy from the anesthesia, but she was fully aware of everything taking place. Uber cool.
They've given her ice chips, which she is tolerating well, and tomorrow she will be on a liquid diet. As long as she tolerates that without nausea or vomiting, they'll move her onto solids, and that's when we'll see how her intestines like that idea. As I wrote to someone earlier, the doctor gave us the good, the bad, and the ugly; we're taking it one step at a time. It's hard to know what to expect because everyone is different. God says to pray and ask Him for what we wish...according to His will...I don't know that I'll EVER understand how that works completely, but I think I'll just ask Him to help us deal with whatever comes our way for now. I don't know of other specifics. I'm sure by the time my mom is eating I will.
Oh, here's a cool thing - last time they had big time issues dealing with my mom's pain. Not so this time. Of course, this surgery isn't as drastic, but either way, her pain is pretty well managed right now. Her lil pump is working, and they didn't need to get the acute pain management team involved. I'm just amazed that she can get up and walk so soon. That's pretty crazy.
They've given her ice chips, which she is tolerating well, and tomorrow she will be on a liquid diet. As long as she tolerates that without nausea or vomiting, they'll move her onto solids, and that's when we'll see how her intestines like that idea. As I wrote to someone earlier, the doctor gave us the good, the bad, and the ugly; we're taking it one step at a time. It's hard to know what to expect because everyone is different. God says to pray and ask Him for what we wish...according to His will...I don't know that I'll EVER understand how that works completely, but I think I'll just ask Him to help us deal with whatever comes our way for now. I don't know of other specifics. I'm sure by the time my mom is eating I will.
Oh, here's a cool thing - last time they had big time issues dealing with my mom's pain. Not so this time. Of course, this surgery isn't as drastic, but either way, her pain is pretty well managed right now. Her lil pump is working, and they didn't need to get the acute pain management team involved. I'm just amazed that she can get up and walk so soon. That's pretty crazy.
It Is Well
Dr. Skibber, my mom's surgeon, came out about 25 minutes ago to let us know that all went well with the surgery. He was able to use the ileostomy area for incision and didn't have to make additional cuts. That's great news! Because this surgery isn't as drastic as the last one, I believe her pain is being well-managed seeing as the doctors haven't come out seeking consent for an epidural. Hopefully we'll get to see her in the next couple of hours and then get into a room sometime this evening.
Today's 'surgery day' experience has been different than the last - a good thing. Last time it seemed like everything that could go wrong did, and it was just a messy morning. Today has been pretty relaxing, even for my Mom. She wanted me to ask people to pray that her 'plumbing' would all work okay - that's the key to recovery right now. They say the first couple of weeks after this reversal can be quite difficult, but we're hoping for better.
Today's 'surgery day' experience has been different than the last - a good thing. Last time it seemed like everything that could go wrong did, and it was just a messy morning. Today has been pretty relaxing, even for my Mom. She wanted me to ask people to pray that her 'plumbing' would all work okay - that's the key to recovery right now. They say the first couple of weeks after this reversal can be quite difficult, but we're hoping for better.
Monday, October 20, 2008
The Beginning of the End?
No, I'm not speaking of the Cowboys of the Colts...although, they're pretty close to it. No, I speak of this cancer nonsense with my mom. Tomorrow morning she goes into her last surgery to reverse the ileostomy. Today the doc had to examine and do all kinds of tests - not fun. Let me just say that all forms of cancer are junk, and all the little issues that come with colon cancer are ridiculous. Really, my mom has been such a trooper through all of this, and she's the bravest person I know. The recovery time for this surgery won't be as long as the other, but there are different issues to deal with this time. It's all a bit personal to my mom and can get complicated, but it is what it is, and we're looking forward to good things. Please pray for her tomorrow.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Chill Pills
If there's anything I don't like it's wasted opportunities. I've always wanted to be sure that I learned everything I could from each and every situation. Some of that is the over-analytical part of me. This year more than ever I've consciously lived with that notion in my head - learn from this. Let me just say that the pressure is too much. Hmmm. We'll always gain from situations and circumstances, but the pressure I can often put on myself is ridiculous.
I have recently learned a few things...
In the past I was known as the crazy, OCD type A. I was a multi-tasking workaholic who thrived on stress. Bring it on. Looking back I think I felt I had something to prove. People to please. (Insecurity.) I was impatient and expected perfection out of everyone including myself. I had to prove that I could do it all and do it all well. A very close friend once confronted me with, "Who are you trying to prove it to and why?"
Recently I realized that situations which normally would've driven me wild and crazy aren't a big deal anymore. I still freak out with stuff but not the way I used to because...well, because there are more important things in life to drive us crazy. I'm still time-conscious, but I won't be a jerk to you for a week just for getting here 3 minutes too late. I'll only be a jerk to you for a minute or two. :) I'll get over it.
I also don't expect perfection out of you or me. What is perfection anyway and who can achieve it? None of us. It's been done and can't be repeated. For the most part, I've dropped most expectations from both of us, and it's been incredibly freeing. Who are we to unrealistically expect so much out of each other? We end up disappointed, disillusioned and usually hurt.
The solution: Love. Love is all. All is love (I would've made a great hippie). No, but really, we would all be much happier if we lived that concept - love all. No restrictions, no reservations, no requirements.
I have a long way to go. I know that; but it's nice to look back and see that somewhere along the way someone gave me a pill that worked.
I have recently learned a few things...
In the past I was known as the crazy, OCD type A. I was a multi-tasking workaholic who thrived on stress. Bring it on. Looking back I think I felt I had something to prove. People to please. (Insecurity.) I was impatient and expected perfection out of everyone including myself. I had to prove that I could do it all and do it all well. A very close friend once confronted me with, "Who are you trying to prove it to and why?"
Recently I realized that situations which normally would've driven me wild and crazy aren't a big deal anymore. I still freak out with stuff but not the way I used to because...well, because there are more important things in life to drive us crazy. I'm still time-conscious, but I won't be a jerk to you for a week just for getting here 3 minutes too late. I'll only be a jerk to you for a minute or two. :) I'll get over it.
I also don't expect perfection out of you or me. What is perfection anyway and who can achieve it? None of us. It's been done and can't be repeated. For the most part, I've dropped most expectations from both of us, and it's been incredibly freeing. Who are we to unrealistically expect so much out of each other? We end up disappointed, disillusioned and usually hurt.
The solution: Love. Love is all. All is love (I would've made a great hippie). No, but really, we would all be much happier if we lived that concept - love all. No restrictions, no reservations, no requirements.
I have a long way to go. I know that; but it's nice to look back and see that somewhere along the way someone gave me a pill that worked.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Just a thougth...
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? I should run next time.
Greenville, Broken Phones. Ridiculous Politics.
So I'm writing from Greenville, Texas, where my mom is now residing. It all happened very quickly. Upon my return from Italy, she said her job might be relocating...and within a week and a half or so we were here. Crazyness. We've been staying in a hotel for almost 2, but just yesterday my mom found an apartment she liked, and we're moving into it today. More crazyness. So far she's been doing extraordinarily well. Sure, she has her days...stuff happens, her body aches, etc., but for the most part she's feeling and looking really well. Thank God. We will travel down to Houston on the 17th for her last surgery, which will take place on Oct 21. This will be to reverse the ileostomy, and then we're home free.
After having been dropped about 618 times, my phone finally gave up. It has been on its last leg for a while, but I didn't want to part with it. Who wants to shell out $$ for a new phone? And I had grown accustomed to its weirdness..ess. Well, last week it gave out in a 1/2 inch flood in one of my bags...or something like that. How an open water bottle ended up in there anyway is still a mystery. It's been ages since I've picked out a phone, and I didn't want to do it without the hubby because although I'd like to consider myself technically literate, I could make some pretty poor choices when it comes to stuff. I want to wait until he's around. In the meantime, I have a lil' $20 phone from Wal-Mart. It serves its purpose. So then the question is, do I REALLY need a high-tech phone with all the gadgets. Hmmm...do I really need any of the frivolous stuff? Sometimes I think and say, "I could never justify spending such-and-such money on _____." Yet I know must waste so much on nonsense that really isn't necessary. Moving on...
So how about the election? And how about Wall Street? Awesome, huh? This year it's been somewhat difficult for me to educate myself on anything political, but I've tried here and there. The thing is I'm just so tired of how political politics is. You know, it's all just a game, and those in Washington are just pawns moved around by lobbyists and everyone else. So I'm pessimistic today. Whatever. The debates - they're just a show. The last one was pretty much boring to me, with only a real couple of questions asked at the end. It was about the same ol' stuff, and yes, it's important, but for real, wasn't that forum supposed to be at least a little different? I'd heard all that stuff before. I only continued to watch to see if it would somehow turn. It didn't.
Someone asked me in Italy what my opinion was about Sarah Palin. At that point, I knew little about her. I just knew she was a conservative pro-lifer from Alaska who knew a bit about energy. I couldn't really say what I thought about her until I knew more about her stand on issues, but here's MY issue - is this just a political move? In my opinion, yes. But it's perfectly fine because that's what it's about...right? Out of anyone that John McCain could've chosen, is she the most qualified? I honestly don't know. There are others out there that would seem to have more experience and the more likely choice, right? ??? You decide.
I don't typically talk politics with people because it can become quite annoying...depending on who it is, much less would I blog politics when 1) I am less informed right now than I would like to be, and 2) don't like to open up the can of worms when I can't speak to someone face to face about it. Just because I don't talk politics, though, doesn't mean I don't believe very strongly in politics...most of the time.
Okay and how about the $700 billion? Wow. So you know when they were voting on the proposition the first time (I think it was the first), and our oh-so-lovely Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, was firing off her mouth about NOTHING? The market had been up and down all day. It was fluctuating. She opened her mouth, and from there it was ALL down hill. Thanks for bringing our reps together on this one, Nancy. I really am not a fan of politicians - Republican or Democrat - blabbing aimlessly. Anyway, it's funny how they all wanted to blame everyone else. Hey, we are after all Americans - we think we deserve this and that, and when it doesn't work out because we can't afford it, we get a free get out of jail card. The blame can go all over - greedy CEO's, the gov, our parents...anybody. But maybe today I should ask myself if I'm being responsible with what I've been given. Maybe.
After having been dropped about 618 times, my phone finally gave up. It has been on its last leg for a while, but I didn't want to part with it. Who wants to shell out $$ for a new phone? And I had grown accustomed to its weirdness..ess. Well, last week it gave out in a 1/2 inch flood in one of my bags...or something like that. How an open water bottle ended up in there anyway is still a mystery. It's been ages since I've picked out a phone, and I didn't want to do it without the hubby because although I'd like to consider myself technically literate, I could make some pretty poor choices when it comes to stuff. I want to wait until he's around. In the meantime, I have a lil' $20 phone from Wal-Mart. It serves its purpose. So then the question is, do I REALLY need a high-tech phone with all the gadgets. Hmmm...do I really need any of the frivolous stuff? Sometimes I think and say, "I could never justify spending such-and-such money on _____." Yet I know must waste so much on nonsense that really isn't necessary. Moving on...
So how about the election? And how about Wall Street? Awesome, huh? This year it's been somewhat difficult for me to educate myself on anything political, but I've tried here and there. The thing is I'm just so tired of how political politics is. You know, it's all just a game, and those in Washington are just pawns moved around by lobbyists and everyone else. So I'm pessimistic today. Whatever. The debates - they're just a show. The last one was pretty much boring to me, with only a real couple of questions asked at the end. It was about the same ol' stuff, and yes, it's important, but for real, wasn't that forum supposed to be at least a little different? I'd heard all that stuff before. I only continued to watch to see if it would somehow turn. It didn't.
Someone asked me in Italy what my opinion was about Sarah Palin. At that point, I knew little about her. I just knew she was a conservative pro-lifer from Alaska who knew a bit about energy. I couldn't really say what I thought about her until I knew more about her stand on issues, but here's MY issue - is this just a political move? In my opinion, yes. But it's perfectly fine because that's what it's about...right? Out of anyone that John McCain could've chosen, is she the most qualified? I honestly don't know. There are others out there that would seem to have more experience and the more likely choice, right? ??? You decide.
I don't typically talk politics with people because it can become quite annoying...depending on who it is, much less would I blog politics when 1) I am less informed right now than I would like to be, and 2) don't like to open up the can of worms when I can't speak to someone face to face about it. Just because I don't talk politics, though, doesn't mean I don't believe very strongly in politics...most of the time.
Okay and how about the $700 billion? Wow. So you know when they were voting on the proposition the first time (I think it was the first), and our oh-so-lovely Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, was firing off her mouth about NOTHING? The market had been up and down all day. It was fluctuating. She opened her mouth, and from there it was ALL down hill. Thanks for bringing our reps together on this one, Nancy. I really am not a fan of politicians - Republican or Democrat - blabbing aimlessly. Anyway, it's funny how they all wanted to blame everyone else. Hey, we are after all Americans - we think we deserve this and that, and when it doesn't work out because we can't afford it, we get a free get out of jail card. The blame can go all over - greedy CEO's, the gov, our parents...anybody. But maybe today I should ask myself if I'm being responsible with what I've been given. Maybe.
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