Complicated

So I sometimes write about pink cupcakes, crazy drivers, and my petty little annoyances. That’s not what this is about.

Today I was having a conversation with a lady, and my heart broke. I was pretty angry at first, then upset, and now just broken.

She shared with me how hurt she was about her daughter’s situation. She had her daughter out of wedlock when she was still pretty young. She and the guy tried to work it out for years, but they ended their relationship when her daughter was still under 5. He ended up getting married and having a few other kids. She said she was actually impressed with how friendly, kind and gracious the new step-mother appeared to be with this little girl.

Then their new kids came, and things changed. At first it was somewhat subtle, but it’s gotten pretty bad. So bad that the dad only calls his first daughter a couple of times a year…maybe her birthday and maybe Christmas. Naturally, this little girl is more and more uncomfortable spending time with the dad and his new family because she feels like an outsider. They have family jokes, family this and that, and she doesn’t feel a part of it. More and more she feels like an outsider, and now she’s beginning to get resentful. This little girl cried and cried when she found out that her father and family had been in her area…many times and had not gone to see her or even called her. She’s involved in a lot of school activities and has never had her father attend any of those. This lady was pretty upset because she’d recently received a call from the father saying he wanted to pick up the little girl, but he never showed up, and he never called.

My heart breaks for this lady, and it breaks for this little girl. Is it wrong to expect more out of this dad? I don’t know. We have false expectations of people all the time, but for this moment I'd just like the permission to be upset on her behalf. I'd like permission to expect a little more out of the dad.

It breaks my heart that kids have to grow up without one of their parents in the home because of divorce. All of the trauma that can come with that is enough to drive a kid crazy. Then you add on to it step-parents and step-siblings and things immediately get more complicated. That's just how it is - complicated. What gets really complicated is when the kids see less and less of the one parent for whatever reason - distance, ...or whatever, the relationship gets strained. All of it can be sooooo very complicated.

What gets me about this situation is that this kid is expected to act like a mature adult. What I mean is that at some point in the past couple of years, her mom got a call from the dad asking her (the mom) to help because the daughter was becoming jealous of the father's other kids with step-mom. So then if the kid is expected to act like an adult, we can expect the father to act like one too, right? (Yes, this stuff upsets me.)

What really gets to me is how it is that a parent can forget his (or her. I'm using the masculine here only because it's easier, not as the stereotype) child. Can someone really do that - forget about his own child, his own flesh and blood? It sounds silly to say it that way, but I'm trying to imagine it. I'm not a parent, so I can't imagine how difficult some circumstances can be when faced with a tragic separation that involves children. But I really can't understand how a parent can forget his own. Maybe he doesn't forget, but it becomes so complicated that he tries to ignore.

I'm not saying I'm beyond it and that I would never do that. I only hope and pray to God that I wouldn't. I'm human, though, and so is this little girl's father. I'm not excusing anything that he is or isn't doing. I just don't know that there are quick fixes to these situations. Not one of us is perfect, and this only goes to show the consequences of sin. This is what sin does. It robs us of what could be. It destroys marriages, relationships, and families. Sin messes everything up.

When I was listening to this mother tell about her situation, I got mad at first. Mad at the father, mad at the step-parent, mad at the entire thing. (I know there are 2 or more sides to everything, and this is really none of my business.) Then I remembered that 'our struggle is not against flesh and blood...' My response should be love, not only towards this little girl and her mom, but also for the father (although I may not even encounter these people). Hating him isn't going to do anything but harbor bitterness (again towards a situation that has nothing to do with me). Love can mean different things. Love, in some circumstances, could mean we confront with the truth. Bitterness, though, is never love, and neither is resentment.

My heart hurts for this girl who may enter her teen and adolescent years without the presence of her earthly father around. All I can do from here is pray that this would cause her to look to her heavenly Father. All I can do is pray that she not grow bitter but that through the grace of God, she might love and forgive. All I can do is pray that she see the big picture and look beyond our human fallacies to see God's sovereignty guiding her life.

Gossip

I should be sleeping. It's past 1 AM, and I'm supposed to drive my mom to her office tomorrow morning, which I remind myself is 45 minutes away.

I tried to sleep. Maybe it's that pink frosted cupcake on the mind. I didn't bake one today, but I did hear of a great place in Sugarland that has exactly what I'm looking for - giant cupcakes. Have I mentioned that we pass through Sugarland every time we make a trip to the hospital...which can be 2-5 times/week? Not good, folks. Not good.

Mom - she's doing much better today than Sunday or yesterday. She worked from home today, and again, tomorrow we'll head to her office.

Me - I did it. I'm embarrassed to say it because I typically could care less, but today I was weird. Today I bought a gossip magazine. Honestly, most of the time I could care less about which celebrity is going to jail, getting pregnant, or breaking up with the other celebrity because celeb #1 found out celeb #2 was having an affair with celeb #3. I don't care but will sometimes pretend to for the sake of conversation with those who do care...unless it's someone I really care about...then I care (wha?). Since I haven't been able to concentrate enough with any book to get past the first 7 lines, I figured I should try this. Well, the pictures were entertaining enough...I guess. No, you know what? This magazine actually had relevant news-worthy stories in it, and I was able to get through 2 of them. Amazing.

I was going to blog about one article, but I think I'll leave that for tomorrow. Sleepy times are finally coming.

Sweet dreams...of giant pink buttercream cupcakes...

Only Five More to Go

That's right - Mom only has 5 more chemo treatments to go, and she'll be finished. We did go to the hospital on Saturday but not because it was an ER visit - *sigh of relief. We went because on Friday they inserted the new line, and they had to do a follow-up check thing 24 hours later. All was good.

Mom was pretty tired most of the weekend. Usually she gets the most tired on Sunday and stays that way into Monday. By Tuesday her energy picks up, and by Wednesday she usually wants to go to her office. Well, she wants to go everyday, but I try to restrain her as much as I can...not an easy thing to do if you know her at all.

I've now been giving her daily injections...in her stomach...twice daily. A friend and I were talking about how brave cancer patients are. They have to go through all kinds of nonsense, and they just do it. I know, an injection is maybe not the biggest deal, but it is to me. My mom's arm veins are pretty much shot because of scarring from all the blood draws, IV's and whatever else. A shot in my stomach is the last thing I'd want, but she's such the trooper. Even if I hurt her while I'm poking her, she just pretends it's okay.

I must confess something. I used to take pride in eating well. When I say eating well, I mean I was pretty much a fanatic at one point. It wasn't just about eating salads. I went all organic from food to cleaning products and was going towards clothing (hadn't quite gotten there yet). And it wasn't just about organic, it was about...I can't even begin.

When you start reading about what's really healthy, you realize that the television commercials are all lying. You realize that it's all about money for the FDA, pharmaceutical industry, politicians, and food companies. They try to make us believe that fat is bad, cholesterol is bad, and butter is bad. They try to make us believe that homogenized & pasteurized dairy products are good, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is good and wheat bread is good. They also try to make us believe that their drugs are the only cures for diseases. Did you know that it's illegal to say that anything natural is a cure for a disease/sickness because it's not a drug? Do you know why? It's all about the money. Don't get me wrong. I believe there's a place in this world for doctors and drugs. Hello! I'm kinda in the middle of all that right now. Yes, I believe there's a place for them, BUT I don't and will never believe that they are the answer to diseases. I believe in nutrition, prevention and most of all JESUS.

But I digress. I wasn't even trying to go there tonight; I just tend to rabbit trail when I'm really passionate about something...or just because. I just rabbit trail (here I go again). I was going here - I was going to confess to you my terrible, awful, and getting-worse-by-the-day eating habits. Now, I do try to avoid salads and raw vegetables in front of my mom. She loves them but can't eat much of them until her ileostomy is reversed. How cruel would I be to tempt her with a plate full of veggies all the time?

That, however, doesn't mean I need to succumb to chips and sugar-laden juices. That's right - I'm eating chips, sugary juices, and I'm craving cupcakes. There was a time in my life when sugar, hydrogenated oils, and white flour did not fit my lifestyle. I would only consume them on a very rare basis and that was only because I live(d) with a man who will never give up brownies.

Since all this started, I've developed some really frustrating habits. I eat chips. It's not like I'm eating them just because they're around. No, I'm the one who choose to purchase them. I crave BBQ and Sour Cream & Onion Lays or something like that, and so instead of controlling the urge, I guiltily hand the money over to the clerk and try not to think about it beyond that exchange. Oh, but I can't have chips without something flavorful to drink along with them. You think I would at least try do drink the impurities away with water, but no, I can't do that. I HAVE TO drink cranberry juice or, on the rare occasion, a soda with those chips. Cranberry juice isn't that bad, though, right? lol. Nah, it's only doused with sugar and HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and all kinds of artificial gunk.

I've also been eating more fast food than ever in my entire life all put together. There again is the white flour, the disgusting hamburger patties, and yes, FRENCH FRIES. I can just see my arteries falling apart. I can see what it does to my body. I can FEEL what this stuff does to my body, and I DON'T LIKE IT.

But will I do anything about it? Well, I don't know. At this point in my life, I can only do certain things. The question I should ask myself is 'will I do what I can?' Hmmm...

Why do I tell you this? Maybe because I won't feel as guilty about it. Maybe because it's 11:59 PM, and this is how I get when it starts to get late. Maybe just because. Whatever the reason, I just thought you should know that I've been craving cupcakes with pink buttercream icing. I haven't caved yet, but I'm planning to tomorrow. So is that really caving if I'm planning to ahead of time?

Better Days Ahead

We spent all day Yesterday (Friday) at the hospital. Our day started there at 7 a.m. and we left sometime after 7:30 p.m.

My mom had to do blood work pretty early because they had to re-insert her PICC line at 7:30. That whole thing isn't just the actual procedure, but it also involves x-rays to be certain the line was placed correctly, this floor, that floor, etc. Then there was the doc appt and this and that. She was supposed to begin the chemo around 3:30, but it was closer to 5 when they got her hooked up.

The PICC line insertion went okay, but the nurse did hit a couple of nerves, and Mom is still feeling some of the pain from it. They said that'd be normal for a few days.

We had to go back again today just for them to check the PICC line. All is good.

Mom has done okay. The chemo just makes her really tired, and tonight she has a bit of nausea. She wanted to try church tomorrow if she wasn't feeling to bad, so we'll see how that goes.

On another health note, my mom's cousin (my second-cousin), Dana, has been doing well post-surgery. To make a very long story short, she has a heart condition that has required a heart transplant. Unfortunately, Dana hasn't been eligible for a transplant because of this and that. The doctors performed a surgery last week to place a VAD, a device that basically helps hear heart pump. Once her pulmonary numbers are better (which this device should do), she can be placed on a transplant list. This is all very simple language and a very brief explanation of the entire situation. I don't know that I even understand it all, but I know that God knows, and that's all that matters. When you think of my mom, say a lil' prayer for our cousin, Dana, as well (and the family for that matter).

There are better days ahead for many reasons. I love it when the signs of fall show themselves because it means not-so-hot days in Texas...although, that's still a bit a way. It means a change in season...it means FOOTBALL.

I LOVE, LOVE watching football, NFL or college. College is really hard for me to keep up with, though, so I haven't done well with that for several years. NFL is a bit easier, and I'm super excited that pre-season begins next month. That's a great thought. It's a great distracting thought. I really haven't kept up with ANYTHING that's happened with my beloved COLTS during the off-season, but I do know about the injuries - not good. You know, it's just not the same when they're playing without the entire team. It's not the same with Dwight Freeney isn't out there to sack Tom Brady. It won't be the same if Bob Sanders isn't around to run all over the field. And I can't say how disappointed I be if they have to play any games without the ever-so-amazing Peyton Manning.

Last year my cuz took me to my first Colts game, and I, of course, wore my entire getup. I forgot my blue & white pom-poms, but that was okay because I think the people next to me would've beat me up.



For Christmas my wonderful Nathan got me more Colts paraphernalia - even more fun.

I've been asked in the past why the obsession with the Colts. Click here to read a little more about that. And just because I'm obsessed, it doesn't mean I don't like other teams. The Cowboys are almost right up there with them. If I had my own fantasy team, I'd basically put these 2 together...along with a few other players.

Anyway, that's my musing for today.

The Extraordinary Ordinary

So I took a little time today to update myself on the lives of a few fellow bloggers and friends. I came away completely inspired. No, I'm not inspired with new revelation (nothing new under the sun), nor am I inspired with original thought (dream on). Inspired because I'm surrounded by such amazing people. My life is incredibly rich because I have the privilege of sharing in the lives of people who are changing the world in extraordinary ways.

I have friends who are changing the world by investing into the little blessings (children) God has given them.

I have friends who are giving of themselves to complete strangers in foreign countries.

I have friends who are furthering their education in fields such as politics, medicine, and education to serve God in such arenas.

I have friends who serve in different facets of the local church (from cleaning to pastoring).

I have friends who are working 'whatever' jobs, saving money to go on the mission field, go to school, or start their own businesses.

I have friends working in the market=place, sometimes doing the monotonous but changing the world by the way they live their lives - day to day. They're providing for their families.

These are the kind of people I know. These are the people who inspire me because they're doing today what they're called to do today. They're doing what they're called to do in God's kingdom today. They do the ordinary extraordinarily.

God gives each of us not just a personality, but also giftings and abilities to perform whatever it is that He's called us to do. And that often changes. No, He doesn't change; but I do believe that there are seasons in life. Today you may be called to do one thing, and tomorrow, next month, or next year things could change because you're called to the next thing in YOUR life.

What I love about the people of whom I speak is that they do what they're called to do right now. Nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't mean it's easy. No, in fact, following Jesus means taking up our cross (Matt 16:24). It means suffering with Him (Rom 8). It means death to our selfish desires. However, if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts. When we spend time with Him and allow Him to work in us, mold us, change us, He places His desires within us.

That's what these people are - like David, they're after God's own heart. They pursue Him in their everyday lives rather than chase after someone else's destiny. What I'm learning from them is not to feel 'inferior' if I'm not doing what they're doing. We are each called, and at the risk of sounding terribly cliche, we each have a destiny, and today is part of it. If you're called to the mission field today, do that. If you're called to the marketplace or to your home, do that. Let's not waste time thinking about what we're not called to do. I've done that, and not only is it terribly depressing, but it's wrong. Remember, it's a season, and should it be a rather unpleasant one, remember it's only a season.

I was fascinated today by reading the great successes of just a few I know. They are successes not because of what they've accomplished or attained. No. They are successes because they are doing today what they're called to do today. Nothing more, nothing less.

What am I called to do this day?

(p.s. I'm typing this without the help of my contacts or glasses. Please forgive any crazy spelling errors. I don't, however, apologize for grammar. It's my blog, and I'll grammar it to my discretion.)

Want a Shot in Your Stomach?

Mom was released from the hospital sometime after 8 tonight, and we made it to El Campo after picking up a bite to eat and driving the hour it takes to get here. I think it was pretty close to 10.

Until we receive the injections that Mom will require on a daily basis, we'll have to make daily trips to the hospital. Hopefully that'll only be until Friday.

Since they removed her line, they'll place another one on Friday after which she'll still have to do the chemo treatment. Two down; 4 more to go. Friday will be a long day, beginning with blood work, doctor visit, catheter insertion (takes about 45 min), x-ray to make sure the line is in the right place (another 45 minutes by the time it's all over), chemo...and just the stuff in between that comes with that. Those can be long days at the hospital, so pray that Mom doesn't get completely drained from it.

You know, last night our nurse made a comment that really made me think. My mom and I were taking turns checking email, and while I was blogging or something, the nurse came into the room. She saw me on the computer and said to me, "I hope you're keeping your mom company and not just doing your own thing. She doesn't need to be ignored..." Whoah lady! The nerve, right?! No, it was fine that she said that. She made me think.

While I hope that my mom didn't feel ignored by me, it made me wonder how often it is that God is ignored by me. I know I personally have great intentions every day to spend time with Him, but there can be so many distractions that call my name that I put time with Him on the back burner. One day goes by, then two, then three. So many distractions. The thing is that some of them are really 'good' reasons to be distracted. C'mon, helping take care of someone is a pretty good reason to me.

Here's what I've come to understand over and over (if it's over and over maybe I haven't really understood it quite yet) - the way a parent wants to spend time with his child is how God longs to spend time with each of us. He doesn't just like time with us; He loves it and even longs for it.

How often do I ignore Him and break His heart for the sake of a distraction? No, sometimes unpredictable circumstances won't allow me to sit on my bed for an hour or 2 just reading, listening, praying. BUT I know that I can always pull away from whatever is taking place for just a few moments to talk to Him, to hear Him. I know I can. Whether or not I choose to do that is my choice, but He's ALWAYS ready for me. I don't think it's about quantity but quality. When I have quality time with Him and truly remain and abide in Him, quantity won't be an issue.

This is the kind of thing I was learning back when I was 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21...on and on. It's something I come back to because I guess I just forget how important it is to steal a few moments away to refresh. It's important because He longs for it and because I NEED it. That's how I live. That's my survival. Just like I go crazy without a meal or two (I really do. I'm a mess when I don't eat), I can quickly become dry without my daily bread. I can lose sight of His promises and the big picture. The promise of His grace, power, love, peace, His KINGDOM. That's the big picture - Him, His kingdom.

A song I love by one of my faves, Anthony Evans (and it's much better with the music. click here to visit his site and his music):
On the outside
You think I'm alright
There's a smile on my face
Everything's okay
But on the inside there's a different story
I've stumbled down this road
And I've got so for the go
I'm a broken man
On my knees again
Longing for a touch from you
I need you hand to

Restore me
I need your mercy
Take me
To the place I used to be
Use all the pain and the hurt
To do a greater work and
Restore me

I wore my mask
Running away from my past
Hiding all my scars
Thinking I'd gone too far
But he knew my pain
And He loved me just the same
He promised I'd be free
If I fell on my knees and cried

Restore unto me the joy of my salvation
So I'll sing again the song you wrote for me
Give me a clean heart I want a brand new start
Like the moment when I first believed

The Clot, Hormones, and the Line

Mom's oncologist came in about an hour ago to give us the results from the scan and the next steps.

The CT scan showed that the main clot is in Mom's arm. A few very small clots did travel into her lungs. The stomach injections (an anticoagulant) don't necessarily help the blood to go back to normal (our bodies will dissolve these with some time), but they prevent new clots from forming. He expects the clots in her lungs will 'dissolve' within a month, but the one in her arm may take several months.

The clot(s) formed from a combination of cancer, the central line, and Mom's hormone replacement.

The plan is to release Mom today after having taught us how to give her the daily injections. We'll continue these injections even after the chemo treatments are completed. Because the injections are pretty expensive, the oncologist wants to wean Mom to a pill form. It's just more difficult to regulate the dosage that way, so they have to do even more blood work. The pill form of the anticoagulant also has some dietary limitations, so we're just going to take this one step at a time. The doctor also wants to wean Mom off of the hormone replacement completely...but that will be way later. He doesn't want to add to what we're already dealing with as it relates to the clot and chemo side effects. He said that since we can see that she may be predisposed to clots, it'd be best for her to try to get off the hormones, but that, again, in time.

A little more a little later.

Oh, and another nurse from one of Mom's prior hospital stays recognized us today. Most nurses here stay on their floors (the in-patient room floors are categorized by type of cancer or cancer location in the body) I think so that they can somewhat specialize in that type of cancer. Anyway, this nurse is kind of a mobile nurse and goes from floor to floor. Well, she had been our nurse before and even remembered my mom's condition from that hospitalization. Are we really such big pains? I think not. It must be Mom's strength and humble personality that make her truly unforgettable...in every way.

The ER Nurses = Our BFFs

The past 24 hours have been kinda hilarious, and not in a funny way. Long story short, we came to the hospital because Mom woke up with a swollen and bluish right arm. We called the ER at MD, and they referred us to the infusion therapy center first. Then those people told us to just come in so they could take a look at it. Once we got here and they'd taken their look, they attempted to page Mom's oncologist, but for some reason they couldn't reach him. Eventually they just transferred us to the ER.

Between about 3:30 PM and 12 midnight, they did x-rays, a CT scan, an ultrasound on Mom's arm and chest, a new IV line because the first one wouldn't work. But then they couldn't find a vein because Mom's veins are pretty much shot from all the poking she's had the past few months. There's scar tissue in her veins, and that all takes time to heal. They finally had to get this brand new 70K+ machine and an IV team (they have teams that specialize in that here. crazy) specialist to come and find a good vein. Anyway, after it was all said and done, it was pretty late when we got to her room.

They decided it'd be best to admit her so that they could keep a close eye on the clot, so at about 12:45 a.m., we were finally brought to her room. They still had to do this and that and remove her PICC line, so it was almost 3 a.m. when we got to sleep. And then it wasn't really sleep because they came in about every hour to take vitals and do the stuff hospital people do. Yes, we're sleepy.

So far, the plan is to put Mom on blood thinners for 3-6 months. I figured they could just clear the clot, but it'll take several months for it to clear. Again, they removed the line, and tomorrow her oncologist will have to decide whether to use the other arm to to place a chest port...or something.

This is not abnormal for people with PICC or CVC lines. It's a common complication, and although they do their best to prevent these, sometimes stuff just happens. Her last line was great and problem-free. This one is a little different.

They want to release my mom tomorrow as long as the CT scan comes out with no problems.

So when we got to her room in the ER yesterday, Mom's nurse said, "Wait...I've seen y'all before. You were down the hall...room 28..." And it wasn't just she who recognized us; there were others. My mom told her we just had nothing better to do on Saturdays but to pay a visit to her ER friends.

At least this time her only discomfort was her arm. Other than that, she wasn't feeling too bad, so our time was nothing like it was in the past.

So help us pray that this clot doesn't back itself up into her chest area and that it would clear quickly quickly. Too, pray that her oncologist (and the other docs for that matter) would have wisdom in deciding what to do as it relates to a line for the chemo.

Frazzle-Dazzle

Tonight as I got ready for bed, I hesitated to put my things away in the bathroom cabinet. I hesitated and placed them back in the travel bags I use. In the past week, it would've helped to have those ready to just throw in a bag with a change of clothes just in case...just in case we had to rush Mom to the ER (which we did), or just in case I had to run to the LJ because my aunt was in a car accident (which did happen, and she is fine, thank Jesus). A while back I had this emergency bag ready to go. All I had to do was throw it in the car and get out. We had one for my mom as well. As I got more comfortable with her well-being, or better-being, I got lax about our emergency, overnight bags. Therefore, I haven't been prepared. I haven't been ready. We've been caught off guard, and my relaxed attitude caused us to lose a little time.

Now, I know that we can't always be ready. We will always get caught off guard at some point. Things happen unexpectedly, and we can't always be expected to have everything under control. In fact, we will NEVER have it all together...but that's for another blog.

What I was thinking about tonight was how in our walk with Jesus we can all get a bit relaxed. We can allow the craziness of life to distract us. Then if, no, when things happen unexpectedly, we get frazzled and don't know where to look. We look here and there and make sorry attempts to pull it together.

I want to abide in Him so much that no matter what unpredictability comes my way, that I can walk forward less and less tired and frustrated. Though I may get startled by so much and so many situations, God is NEVER caught by surprise. He knows. Not only does He know, but He has prepared a way through it. What is 'bad' and meant for evil, He has prepared in advance for our good. He is still sitting on His throne and fully in control whether or not it seems like He is.

'Nuff for now.

Yesterday...

...all my troubles seemed so far away. Lol. I don't mean that. I can pretty much have a song for everything. In everyday conversation, people will unconsciously say a phrase or something from a song, and they have no clue why I'll go on to say something weird. It's not really weird in my head because I'm just continuing the song. They just think I'm saying weird stuff. Wow...I bet everything I just wrote makes sense only in my head...as another song comes to mind...

Yesterday Mom felt better than Saturday, but she was still pretty yucky. Have I mentioned she has poisons running through her veins (and still another song...stop Susy!)? You know why people go crazy...I was going somewhere with that. I got sidetracked and now have no idea where I was going...so just to say yesterday wasn't so great, but today has been way better.

With all the drama going on the past few months, I've not had an opportunity to talk about this, but I've wanted to for a while. You may have noticed my bald friend, Rachel, from a blog dated June 29 (click here to read it). Rachel was one of my childhood best friends, and back in March her mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She began treatments pretty much right away, and this Thursday will be her last one. HOW EXCITING!!! I've been wanting to mention Theresa (Rachel's mom), but I also always want to respect people's privacy when I walk about them. Everyone's battle is different when it comes to cancer, and I always want to be sensitive when it comes to stuff like this.

Today's good news - my mom is feeling much better AND Theresa gets to finish her treatments on Thursday.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

They Offered Me a Job

So I was going to blog more yesterday about all the great things we saw even in the midst of crazy circumstances with my FIL...time got the best of the day.

I took Mom to the hospital for her second of 8 chemo treatments. She slept during most of it. Again, they sent her home with a pump that continues to infuse chemo for 48 hours.

Then today happened. Since my granny is still around (she came to be with my mom while I went up to Kansas for the 4th), I took advantage and went to Houston to run some errands. Granny called me at one point to let me know that my mom wasn't feeling so well. She started to sweat pretty badly and was just feeling yucky. I asked her if she'd had enough juice, etc, etc. It doesn't take much for one to get dehydrated with an ileostomy. It also sounded like Mom's blood sugar was low. Granny said she'd wait a little while and see how things went.

Long story short, we ended up at the ER. Since I was already in Houston, I just met them there. They drew labs, did x-rays and found nothing. That's a good thing. The doctor told mom all of that could've been from a combination of things - low blood sugar, dehydration, doing too much activity too quickly after waking from a nap...

Her blood levels were fine, as were her electrolytes. She was just a tad low on magnesium. So no, she wasn't dehydrated, but it could've gotten there. And the blood sugar thing...well, again, just a combination of things. As far as feeling yucky, well, I'm certain we can certainly blame the chemo for that.

Today's good news - this ER visit found nothing major wrong with my mom, and she didn't have to be admitted.

Today's lesson - Grannies make great driving buddies because they can do all the talking when you have nothing to say.

Behind the scenes I'm working on - going back to how I used to be by giving EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt (when did I become so cynical with people?).

Love covers ALL.

Our Dad, Broken Clocks, and Raspberries

This might be long - brace yourself.

Nathan had a 4 day weekend due to the holiday last week so I went up there to spend some much-needed time with him...and the Kansas family, of course. I arrived in Wichita before noon just in time to meet Nathan for lunch. Within about 30 minutes, literally walking into the restaurant, Aleda (my MIL) calls to tell us that Jim (my FIL) was at a hospital having a heart attack. :0

That was last Thursday, July 3rd. Today is...someday, July 9, and he was released to go home earlier today. *sigh*

Let me just say that the past several days were another whirlwind of hospital.

Thursday, July 3rd - heart attack. Doc attempted stint, but it didn't work because the main left artery was 100% blocked. He tried several things, and nothing was going through to the heart. They sedated Jim for the remainder of the night and kept him in ICU. At one point a nurse asked Aleda if she knew how serious the situation was and highly recommended all of the children be there. :0

Friday...actually all the days kinda get mixed up. Basically, Jim had a medium but serious heart attack. The doctor said it wasn't massive, but that it was also definitely not mild. His PA was more frank with us and told us that Jim was 'lucky' to be alive and that someone was looking out for him. She said this is his second chance at life. He wasn't supposed to make it.

Amazing.

Craziness.

Broken clocks - Jim said that in the middle of one night, he asked his nurse what time it was. She told him it was 1 a.m. He went to sleep for a couple of hours (or so he thought) and asked her again what time it was. It was right after 1 a.m. He asked her several more times, and it was never past 1 a.m. He told her the clocks were broken.

Raspberries - One day while Jim still had a bunch of drugs in his system, he kept seeing raspberries every time he closed his eyes. He also saw the bathroom doorknob move from the middle of the door all the way to the bottom. He said he didn't know how he was going to reach down there to get it open. The the clock was moving all over the wall, and there were yellow squiggly lines on the wall. Drugs do what we call 'the raspberry effect.'

The dad is now home and doing better.

It's pretty crazy that this would happen now. I'm just glad I was up there already. If it had to happen, the timing sure was nice.

I'm learning. I'm trying to learn. Sometimes it's hard not to get disappointed. Initially, they were hoping to release Dad on Monday, but we had a bit of a 'scare' when he began having chest pains out of the blue again. Ugh. For real?

They took care of it, and the PA said the 'setback' was actually 'no big deal.'

What now? The artery is still 100% blocked. They've given him medicine to try to clear it somewhat and were going to try the stint thing again in several weeks. However, that part of the hart is already damaged, and there's no point in doing the stint thing if that part of the heart can't do anything anyway. The good thing - the docs said if there's a place to have a heart attack, that's the part of the heart where you want it. The doctor himself had this same kind of heart attack 15 years ago and is living with damaged tissue in that same area. He said, "Jim may not even miss it." But now he really has to take care of himself and the remainder of the heart. Another attack would be way too risky.

So I left Kansas today and made it to El Crapo, I mean El Campo around 9. Nice drive. I may just have some of the information wrong up there because I'm a bit on the sleepy side. I'll think of more tomorrow.

Thank you...whoever knew about our dad and was praying for him. We saw miracles, and I'll share about it more tomorrow.

P.S.

Okay, so what is it with me and computers? Seriously?! Today I was working on some really important stuff, and in the very middle it, the computer I was using just froze. I lost it ALL! Starting from scratch took me a couple of hours. I wasn't very happy about that.

Oh, AND my bookmarks - all gone too. Last week when the green goblin messed everything up, I had lost all bookmarks. By all, I mean all 60+. Yes, these are the ones I use because I can't remember all these websites. It's kinda like "Contacts" in a phone or in email - you have an address book because nobody can possibly remember everyone's information, just like I can't remember every single website I visit pretty often, especially all 40 something blogs. NO, I DO NOT read that many. I just had that many bookmarked because I casually bumped into them here and there and would browse some on occasion.

So I open the portable computer tonight to find that the new list of bookmarks I had started has been stolen by the goblin. This is so getting on my nerves.

Driving

Our visit with the pain doctor seemed productive yesterday. He gave us changes to Mom's pain regimen, and we're just going to see how that works. She was pretty exhausted yesterday, and I'm sure that's an effect from the chemo. Today she wasn't quite as tired, so we went to her office where we stayed for a good 6+ hours. What's tiring is the drive - the 45 min drive there (and obviously the same to return). It's the same way when we go to the hospital, but that takes even longer - a good 75 minutes or even up to 90. From the time I got my permit and license back in the day, I've enjoyed driving so that's probably a good thing seeing as sometimes that's all it seems we do. So anyway, my mom is doing pretty well tonight even after the long day. Thank you, God!

You know, I was thinking - God is good. In the midst of so much going at different times, I don't want to fail to recognize His hand in my life and His work in javascript:void(0)
Publish Postthe lives of those around me. It's amazing to look back and see how He's ordered our many steps so intricately. Some would say that God is not involved in the decisions or choices we make, but I don't believe that at all. In His great sovereignty, my God knows all things and works those for the good of them who love Him. There are many mysteries, unknowns that are foreign to me, to us. Yet, I believe that's just part of it. I can learn to appreciate the unknown again. I used to love it and grew to almost fear it recently. My faith and hope, however, remain in God alone. The God who loves me with a passion that's indescribable and who I love so insufficiently yet completely. The God who holds my heart and loves me in spite of my uglies.