just

Recently I took yet another disc test. Of course, it reaffirmed some things of which I’m already aware – I’m a demanding perfectionist, who takes criticism way too seriously. During different season of life, different things have been required of me. At work, I don’t function as a dominant person, but otherwise, that’s who I am…etc, etc.

You know what, though? I’m a perfectionist all the time, and to be honest, it’s stressing me out. I’M stressing me out. Even from the time that I was a little girl, I felt like I had to be perfect. I always had a clean room growing up because I would think, “What if the President of the Unites States decided to show up at my front door?” (I really did.) Now sure, this was great for my mom because she never had to reprimand me for not cleaning my room or the like. If I really think about it, my mom didn’t have to reprimand me much growing up. Okay, that sounds so self-serving. I wasn’t perfect, BUT because I felt like I had to be, I didn’t cause many problems (that and the fact that I learned from my older brother’s mistakes).

This is why I’m a great performer – because I feel like I have to do that all the time – perform up to others’ expectations of me. I’d be great in Hollywood. But to be me?

This perfectionism has now stemmed into adulthood, and today I have stressed myself out because of it. I have these high expectations of me that I don’t know that I can meet today. I don’t know that I can meet the mark tomorrow or even the next day. I don’t know that I can please you, or them or myself. I hate the insecurity that drives me to please the whole world.

But I do know this – that this burden I’ve placed on myself to be perfect wasn’t placed there by God. His Word says that He’ll never give us more than what we can handle. His Word says that His burdens are light. I don’t have to try to live up to anyone’s expectations, especially mine. I’ll always fail. I can’t please even me.

I must remember that I’m called to Jesus. He doesn’t require me to come to Him as a perfect vessel. He just wants ME. How long I’ve waited to just rest in His arms.