Complicated

So I sometimes write about pink cupcakes, crazy drivers, and my petty little annoyances. That’s not what this is about.

Today I was having a conversation with a lady, and my heart broke. I was pretty angry at first, then upset, and now just broken.

She shared with me how hurt she was about her daughter’s situation. She had her daughter out of wedlock when she was still pretty young. She and the guy tried to work it out for years, but they ended their relationship when her daughter was still under 5. He ended up getting married and having a few other kids. She said she was actually impressed with how friendly, kind and gracious the new step-mother appeared to be with this little girl.

Then their new kids came, and things changed. At first it was somewhat subtle, but it’s gotten pretty bad. So bad that the dad only calls his first daughter a couple of times a year…maybe her birthday and maybe Christmas. Naturally, this little girl is more and more uncomfortable spending time with the dad and his new family because she feels like an outsider. They have family jokes, family this and that, and she doesn’t feel a part of it. More and more she feels like an outsider, and now she’s beginning to get resentful. This little girl cried and cried when she found out that her father and family had been in her area…many times and had not gone to see her or even called her. She’s involved in a lot of school activities and has never had her father attend any of those. This lady was pretty upset because she’d recently received a call from the father saying he wanted to pick up the little girl, but he never showed up, and he never called.

My heart breaks for this lady, and it breaks for this little girl. Is it wrong to expect more out of this dad? I don’t know. We have false expectations of people all the time, but for this moment I'd just like the permission to be upset on her behalf. I'd like permission to expect a little more out of the dad.

It breaks my heart that kids have to grow up without one of their parents in the home because of divorce. All of the trauma that can come with that is enough to drive a kid crazy. Then you add on to it step-parents and step-siblings and things immediately get more complicated. That's just how it is - complicated. What gets really complicated is when the kids see less and less of the one parent for whatever reason - distance, ...or whatever, the relationship gets strained. All of it can be sooooo very complicated.

What gets me about this situation is that this kid is expected to act like a mature adult. What I mean is that at some point in the past couple of years, her mom got a call from the dad asking her (the mom) to help because the daughter was becoming jealous of the father's other kids with step-mom. So then if the kid is expected to act like an adult, we can expect the father to act like one too, right? (Yes, this stuff upsets me.)

What really gets to me is how it is that a parent can forget his (or her. I'm using the masculine here only because it's easier, not as the stereotype) child. Can someone really do that - forget about his own child, his own flesh and blood? It sounds silly to say it that way, but I'm trying to imagine it. I'm not a parent, so I can't imagine how difficult some circumstances can be when faced with a tragic separation that involves children. But I really can't understand how a parent can forget his own. Maybe he doesn't forget, but it becomes so complicated that he tries to ignore.

I'm not saying I'm beyond it and that I would never do that. I only hope and pray to God that I wouldn't. I'm human, though, and so is this little girl's father. I'm not excusing anything that he is or isn't doing. I just don't know that there are quick fixes to these situations. Not one of us is perfect, and this only goes to show the consequences of sin. This is what sin does. It robs us of what could be. It destroys marriages, relationships, and families. Sin messes everything up.

When I was listening to this mother tell about her situation, I got mad at first. Mad at the father, mad at the step-parent, mad at the entire thing. (I know there are 2 or more sides to everything, and this is really none of my business.) Then I remembered that 'our struggle is not against flesh and blood...' My response should be love, not only towards this little girl and her mom, but also for the father (although I may not even encounter these people). Hating him isn't going to do anything but harbor bitterness (again towards a situation that has nothing to do with me). Love can mean different things. Love, in some circumstances, could mean we confront with the truth. Bitterness, though, is never love, and neither is resentment.

My heart hurts for this girl who may enter her teen and adolescent years without the presence of her earthly father around. All I can do from here is pray that this would cause her to look to her heavenly Father. All I can do is pray that she not grow bitter but that through the grace of God, she might love and forgive. All I can do is pray that she see the big picture and look beyond our human fallacies to see God's sovereignty guiding her life.

Gossip

I should be sleeping. It's past 1 AM, and I'm supposed to drive my mom to her office tomorrow morning, which I remind myself is 45 minutes away.

I tried to sleep. Maybe it's that pink frosted cupcake on the mind. I didn't bake one today, but I did hear of a great place in Sugarland that has exactly what I'm looking for - giant cupcakes. Have I mentioned that we pass through Sugarland every time we make a trip to the hospital...which can be 2-5 times/week? Not good, folks. Not good.

Mom - she's doing much better today than Sunday or yesterday. She worked from home today, and again, tomorrow we'll head to her office.

Me - I did it. I'm embarrassed to say it because I typically could care less, but today I was weird. Today I bought a gossip magazine. Honestly, most of the time I could care less about which celebrity is going to jail, getting pregnant, or breaking up with the other celebrity because celeb #1 found out celeb #2 was having an affair with celeb #3. I don't care but will sometimes pretend to for the sake of conversation with those who do care...unless it's someone I really care about...then I care (wha?). Since I haven't been able to concentrate enough with any book to get past the first 7 lines, I figured I should try this. Well, the pictures were entertaining enough...I guess. No, you know what? This magazine actually had relevant news-worthy stories in it, and I was able to get through 2 of them. Amazing.

I was going to blog about one article, but I think I'll leave that for tomorrow. Sleepy times are finally coming.

Sweet dreams...of giant pink buttercream cupcakes...

Only Five More to Go

That's right - Mom only has 5 more chemo treatments to go, and she'll be finished. We did go to the hospital on Saturday but not because it was an ER visit - *sigh of relief. We went because on Friday they inserted the new line, and they had to do a follow-up check thing 24 hours later. All was good.

Mom was pretty tired most of the weekend. Usually she gets the most tired on Sunday and stays that way into Monday. By Tuesday her energy picks up, and by Wednesday she usually wants to go to her office. Well, she wants to go everyday, but I try to restrain her as much as I can...not an easy thing to do if you know her at all.

I've now been giving her daily injections...in her stomach...twice daily. A friend and I were talking about how brave cancer patients are. They have to go through all kinds of nonsense, and they just do it. I know, an injection is maybe not the biggest deal, but it is to me. My mom's arm veins are pretty much shot because of scarring from all the blood draws, IV's and whatever else. A shot in my stomach is the last thing I'd want, but she's such the trooper. Even if I hurt her while I'm poking her, she just pretends it's okay.

I must confess something. I used to take pride in eating well. When I say eating well, I mean I was pretty much a fanatic at one point. It wasn't just about eating salads. I went all organic from food to cleaning products and was going towards clothing (hadn't quite gotten there yet). And it wasn't just about organic, it was about...I can't even begin.

When you start reading about what's really healthy, you realize that the television commercials are all lying. You realize that it's all about money for the FDA, pharmaceutical industry, politicians, and food companies. They try to make us believe that fat is bad, cholesterol is bad, and butter is bad. They try to make us believe that homogenized & pasteurized dairy products are good, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is good and wheat bread is good. They also try to make us believe that their drugs are the only cures for diseases. Did you know that it's illegal to say that anything natural is a cure for a disease/sickness because it's not a drug? Do you know why? It's all about the money. Don't get me wrong. I believe there's a place in this world for doctors and drugs. Hello! I'm kinda in the middle of all that right now. Yes, I believe there's a place for them, BUT I don't and will never believe that they are the answer to diseases. I believe in nutrition, prevention and most of all JESUS.

But I digress. I wasn't even trying to go there tonight; I just tend to rabbit trail when I'm really passionate about something...or just because. I just rabbit trail (here I go again). I was going here - I was going to confess to you my terrible, awful, and getting-worse-by-the-day eating habits. Now, I do try to avoid salads and raw vegetables in front of my mom. She loves them but can't eat much of them until her ileostomy is reversed. How cruel would I be to tempt her with a plate full of veggies all the time?

That, however, doesn't mean I need to succumb to chips and sugar-laden juices. That's right - I'm eating chips, sugary juices, and I'm craving cupcakes. There was a time in my life when sugar, hydrogenated oils, and white flour did not fit my lifestyle. I would only consume them on a very rare basis and that was only because I live(d) with a man who will never give up brownies.

Since all this started, I've developed some really frustrating habits. I eat chips. It's not like I'm eating them just because they're around. No, I'm the one who choose to purchase them. I crave BBQ and Sour Cream & Onion Lays or something like that, and so instead of controlling the urge, I guiltily hand the money over to the clerk and try not to think about it beyond that exchange. Oh, but I can't have chips without something flavorful to drink along with them. You think I would at least try do drink the impurities away with water, but no, I can't do that. I HAVE TO drink cranberry juice or, on the rare occasion, a soda with those chips. Cranberry juice isn't that bad, though, right? lol. Nah, it's only doused with sugar and HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and all kinds of artificial gunk.

I've also been eating more fast food than ever in my entire life all put together. There again is the white flour, the disgusting hamburger patties, and yes, FRENCH FRIES. I can just see my arteries falling apart. I can see what it does to my body. I can FEEL what this stuff does to my body, and I DON'T LIKE IT.

But will I do anything about it? Well, I don't know. At this point in my life, I can only do certain things. The question I should ask myself is 'will I do what I can?' Hmmm...

Why do I tell you this? Maybe because I won't feel as guilty about it. Maybe because it's 11:59 PM, and this is how I get when it starts to get late. Maybe just because. Whatever the reason, I just thought you should know that I've been craving cupcakes with pink buttercream icing. I haven't caved yet, but I'm planning to tomorrow. So is that really caving if I'm planning to ahead of time?

Better Days Ahead

We spent all day Yesterday (Friday) at the hospital. Our day started there at 7 a.m. and we left sometime after 7:30 p.m.

My mom had to do blood work pretty early because they had to re-insert her PICC line at 7:30. That whole thing isn't just the actual procedure, but it also involves x-rays to be certain the line was placed correctly, this floor, that floor, etc. Then there was the doc appt and this and that. She was supposed to begin the chemo around 3:30, but it was closer to 5 when they got her hooked up.

The PICC line insertion went okay, but the nurse did hit a couple of nerves, and Mom is still feeling some of the pain from it. They said that'd be normal for a few days.

We had to go back again today just for them to check the PICC line. All is good.

Mom has done okay. The chemo just makes her really tired, and tonight she has a bit of nausea. She wanted to try church tomorrow if she wasn't feeling to bad, so we'll see how that goes.

On another health note, my mom's cousin (my second-cousin), Dana, has been doing well post-surgery. To make a very long story short, she has a heart condition that has required a heart transplant. Unfortunately, Dana hasn't been eligible for a transplant because of this and that. The doctors performed a surgery last week to place a VAD, a device that basically helps hear heart pump. Once her pulmonary numbers are better (which this device should do), she can be placed on a transplant list. This is all very simple language and a very brief explanation of the entire situation. I don't know that I even understand it all, but I know that God knows, and that's all that matters. When you think of my mom, say a lil' prayer for our cousin, Dana, as well (and the family for that matter).

There are better days ahead for many reasons. I love it when the signs of fall show themselves because it means not-so-hot days in Texas...although, that's still a bit a way. It means a change in season...it means FOOTBALL.

I LOVE, LOVE watching football, NFL or college. College is really hard for me to keep up with, though, so I haven't done well with that for several years. NFL is a bit easier, and I'm super excited that pre-season begins next month. That's a great thought. It's a great distracting thought. I really haven't kept up with ANYTHING that's happened with my beloved COLTS during the off-season, but I do know about the injuries - not good. You know, it's just not the same when they're playing without the entire team. It's not the same with Dwight Freeney isn't out there to sack Tom Brady. It won't be the same if Bob Sanders isn't around to run all over the field. And I can't say how disappointed I be if they have to play any games without the ever-so-amazing Peyton Manning.

Last year my cuz took me to my first Colts game, and I, of course, wore my entire getup. I forgot my blue & white pom-poms, but that was okay because I think the people next to me would've beat me up.



For Christmas my wonderful Nathan got me more Colts paraphernalia - even more fun.

I've been asked in the past why the obsession with the Colts. Click here to read a little more about that. And just because I'm obsessed, it doesn't mean I don't like other teams. The Cowboys are almost right up there with them. If I had my own fantasy team, I'd basically put these 2 together...along with a few other players.

Anyway, that's my musing for today.

The Extraordinary Ordinary

So I took a little time today to update myself on the lives of a few fellow bloggers and friends. I came away completely inspired. No, I'm not inspired with new revelation (nothing new under the sun), nor am I inspired with original thought (dream on). Inspired because I'm surrounded by such amazing people. My life is incredibly rich because I have the privilege of sharing in the lives of people who are changing the world in extraordinary ways.

I have friends who are changing the world by investing into the little blessings (children) God has given them.

I have friends who are giving of themselves to complete strangers in foreign countries.

I have friends who are furthering their education in fields such as politics, medicine, and education to serve God in such arenas.

I have friends who serve in different facets of the local church (from cleaning to pastoring).

I have friends who are working 'whatever' jobs, saving money to go on the mission field, go to school, or start their own businesses.

I have friends working in the market=place, sometimes doing the monotonous but changing the world by the way they live their lives - day to day. They're providing for their families.

These are the kind of people I know. These are the people who inspire me because they're doing today what they're called to do today. They're doing what they're called to do in God's kingdom today. They do the ordinary extraordinarily.

God gives each of us not just a personality, but also giftings and abilities to perform whatever it is that He's called us to do. And that often changes. No, He doesn't change; but I do believe that there are seasons in life. Today you may be called to do one thing, and tomorrow, next month, or next year things could change because you're called to the next thing in YOUR life.

What I love about the people of whom I speak is that they do what they're called to do right now. Nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't mean it's easy. No, in fact, following Jesus means taking up our cross (Matt 16:24). It means suffering with Him (Rom 8). It means death to our selfish desires. However, if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts. When we spend time with Him and allow Him to work in us, mold us, change us, He places His desires within us.

That's what these people are - like David, they're after God's own heart. They pursue Him in their everyday lives rather than chase after someone else's destiny. What I'm learning from them is not to feel 'inferior' if I'm not doing what they're doing. We are each called, and at the risk of sounding terribly cliche, we each have a destiny, and today is part of it. If you're called to the mission field today, do that. If you're called to the marketplace or to your home, do that. Let's not waste time thinking about what we're not called to do. I've done that, and not only is it terribly depressing, but it's wrong. Remember, it's a season, and should it be a rather unpleasant one, remember it's only a season.

I was fascinated today by reading the great successes of just a few I know. They are successes not because of what they've accomplished or attained. No. They are successes because they are doing today what they're called to do today. Nothing more, nothing less.

What am I called to do this day?

(p.s. I'm typing this without the help of my contacts or glasses. Please forgive any crazy spelling errors. I don't, however, apologize for grammar. It's my blog, and I'll grammar it to my discretion.)

Want a Shot in Your Stomach?

Mom was released from the hospital sometime after 8 tonight, and we made it to El Campo after picking up a bite to eat and driving the hour it takes to get here. I think it was pretty close to 10.

Until we receive the injections that Mom will require on a daily basis, we'll have to make daily trips to the hospital. Hopefully that'll only be until Friday.

Since they removed her line, they'll place another one on Friday after which she'll still have to do the chemo treatment. Two down; 4 more to go. Friday will be a long day, beginning with blood work, doctor visit, catheter insertion (takes about 45 min), x-ray to make sure the line is in the right place (another 45 minutes by the time it's all over), chemo...and just the stuff in between that comes with that. Those can be long days at the hospital, so pray that Mom doesn't get completely drained from it.

You know, last night our nurse made a comment that really made me think. My mom and I were taking turns checking email, and while I was blogging or something, the nurse came into the room. She saw me on the computer and said to me, "I hope you're keeping your mom company and not just doing your own thing. She doesn't need to be ignored..." Whoah lady! The nerve, right?! No, it was fine that she said that. She made me think.

While I hope that my mom didn't feel ignored by me, it made me wonder how often it is that God is ignored by me. I know I personally have great intentions every day to spend time with Him, but there can be so many distractions that call my name that I put time with Him on the back burner. One day goes by, then two, then three. So many distractions. The thing is that some of them are really 'good' reasons to be distracted. C'mon, helping take care of someone is a pretty good reason to me.

Here's what I've come to understand over and over (if it's over and over maybe I haven't really understood it quite yet) - the way a parent wants to spend time with his child is how God longs to spend time with each of us. He doesn't just like time with us; He loves it and even longs for it.

How often do I ignore Him and break His heart for the sake of a distraction? No, sometimes unpredictable circumstances won't allow me to sit on my bed for an hour or 2 just reading, listening, praying. BUT I know that I can always pull away from whatever is taking place for just a few moments to talk to Him, to hear Him. I know I can. Whether or not I choose to do that is my choice, but He's ALWAYS ready for me. I don't think it's about quantity but quality. When I have quality time with Him and truly remain and abide in Him, quantity won't be an issue.

This is the kind of thing I was learning back when I was 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21...on and on. It's something I come back to because I guess I just forget how important it is to steal a few moments away to refresh. It's important because He longs for it and because I NEED it. That's how I live. That's my survival. Just like I go crazy without a meal or two (I really do. I'm a mess when I don't eat), I can quickly become dry without my daily bread. I can lose sight of His promises and the big picture. The promise of His grace, power, love, peace, His KINGDOM. That's the big picture - Him, His kingdom.

A song I love by one of my faves, Anthony Evans (and it's much better with the music. click here to visit his site and his music):
On the outside
You think I'm alright
There's a smile on my face
Everything's okay
But on the inside there's a different story
I've stumbled down this road
And I've got so for the go
I'm a broken man
On my knees again
Longing for a touch from you
I need you hand to

Restore me
I need your mercy
Take me
To the place I used to be
Use all the pain and the hurt
To do a greater work and
Restore me

I wore my mask
Running away from my past
Hiding all my scars
Thinking I'd gone too far
But he knew my pain
And He loved me just the same
He promised I'd be free
If I fell on my knees and cried

Restore unto me the joy of my salvation
So I'll sing again the song you wrote for me
Give me a clean heart I want a brand new start
Like the moment when I first believed

The Clot, Hormones, and the Line

Mom's oncologist came in about an hour ago to give us the results from the scan and the next steps.

The CT scan showed that the main clot is in Mom's arm. A few very small clots did travel into her lungs. The stomach injections (an anticoagulant) don't necessarily help the blood to go back to normal (our bodies will dissolve these with some time), but they prevent new clots from forming. He expects the clots in her lungs will 'dissolve' within a month, but the one in her arm may take several months.

The clot(s) formed from a combination of cancer, the central line, and Mom's hormone replacement.

The plan is to release Mom today after having taught us how to give her the daily injections. We'll continue these injections even after the chemo treatments are completed. Because the injections are pretty expensive, the oncologist wants to wean Mom to a pill form. It's just more difficult to regulate the dosage that way, so they have to do even more blood work. The pill form of the anticoagulant also has some dietary limitations, so we're just going to take this one step at a time. The doctor also wants to wean Mom off of the hormone replacement completely...but that will be way later. He doesn't want to add to what we're already dealing with as it relates to the clot and chemo side effects. He said that since we can see that she may be predisposed to clots, it'd be best for her to try to get off the hormones, but that, again, in time.

A little more a little later.

Oh, and another nurse from one of Mom's prior hospital stays recognized us today. Most nurses here stay on their floors (the in-patient room floors are categorized by type of cancer or cancer location in the body) I think so that they can somewhat specialize in that type of cancer. Anyway, this nurse is kind of a mobile nurse and goes from floor to floor. Well, she had been our nurse before and even remembered my mom's condition from that hospitalization. Are we really such big pains? I think not. It must be Mom's strength and humble personality that make her truly unforgettable...in every way.

The ER Nurses = Our BFFs

The past 24 hours have been kinda hilarious, and not in a funny way. Long story short, we came to the hospital because Mom woke up with a swollen and bluish right arm. We called the ER at MD, and they referred us to the infusion therapy center first. Then those people told us to just come in so they could take a look at it. Once we got here and they'd taken their look, they attempted to page Mom's oncologist, but for some reason they couldn't reach him. Eventually they just transferred us to the ER.

Between about 3:30 PM and 12 midnight, they did x-rays, a CT scan, an ultrasound on Mom's arm and chest, a new IV line because the first one wouldn't work. But then they couldn't find a vein because Mom's veins are pretty much shot from all the poking she's had the past few months. There's scar tissue in her veins, and that all takes time to heal. They finally had to get this brand new 70K+ machine and an IV team (they have teams that specialize in that here. crazy) specialist to come and find a good vein. Anyway, after it was all said and done, it was pretty late when we got to her room.

They decided it'd be best to admit her so that they could keep a close eye on the clot, so at about 12:45 a.m., we were finally brought to her room. They still had to do this and that and remove her PICC line, so it was almost 3 a.m. when we got to sleep. And then it wasn't really sleep because they came in about every hour to take vitals and do the stuff hospital people do. Yes, we're sleepy.

So far, the plan is to put Mom on blood thinners for 3-6 months. I figured they could just clear the clot, but it'll take several months for it to clear. Again, they removed the line, and tomorrow her oncologist will have to decide whether to use the other arm to to place a chest port...or something.

This is not abnormal for people with PICC or CVC lines. It's a common complication, and although they do their best to prevent these, sometimes stuff just happens. Her last line was great and problem-free. This one is a little different.

They want to release my mom tomorrow as long as the CT scan comes out with no problems.

So when we got to her room in the ER yesterday, Mom's nurse said, "Wait...I've seen y'all before. You were down the hall...room 28..." And it wasn't just she who recognized us; there were others. My mom told her we just had nothing better to do on Saturdays but to pay a visit to her ER friends.

At least this time her only discomfort was her arm. Other than that, she wasn't feeling too bad, so our time was nothing like it was in the past.

So help us pray that this clot doesn't back itself up into her chest area and that it would clear quickly quickly. Too, pray that her oncologist (and the other docs for that matter) would have wisdom in deciding what to do as it relates to a line for the chemo.

Frazzle-Dazzle

Tonight as I got ready for bed, I hesitated to put my things away in the bathroom cabinet. I hesitated and placed them back in the travel bags I use. In the past week, it would've helped to have those ready to just throw in a bag with a change of clothes just in case...just in case we had to rush Mom to the ER (which we did), or just in case I had to run to the LJ because my aunt was in a car accident (which did happen, and she is fine, thank Jesus). A while back I had this emergency bag ready to go. All I had to do was throw it in the car and get out. We had one for my mom as well. As I got more comfortable with her well-being, or better-being, I got lax about our emergency, overnight bags. Therefore, I haven't been prepared. I haven't been ready. We've been caught off guard, and my relaxed attitude caused us to lose a little time.

Now, I know that we can't always be ready. We will always get caught off guard at some point. Things happen unexpectedly, and we can't always be expected to have everything under control. In fact, we will NEVER have it all together...but that's for another blog.

What I was thinking about tonight was how in our walk with Jesus we can all get a bit relaxed. We can allow the craziness of life to distract us. Then if, no, when things happen unexpectedly, we get frazzled and don't know where to look. We look here and there and make sorry attempts to pull it together.

I want to abide in Him so much that no matter what unpredictability comes my way, that I can walk forward less and less tired and frustrated. Though I may get startled by so much and so many situations, God is NEVER caught by surprise. He knows. Not only does He know, but He has prepared a way through it. What is 'bad' and meant for evil, He has prepared in advance for our good. He is still sitting on His throne and fully in control whether or not it seems like He is.

'Nuff for now.

Yesterday...

...all my troubles seemed so far away. Lol. I don't mean that. I can pretty much have a song for everything. In everyday conversation, people will unconsciously say a phrase or something from a song, and they have no clue why I'll go on to say something weird. It's not really weird in my head because I'm just continuing the song. They just think I'm saying weird stuff. Wow...I bet everything I just wrote makes sense only in my head...as another song comes to mind...

Yesterday Mom felt better than Saturday, but she was still pretty yucky. Have I mentioned she has poisons running through her veins (and still another song...stop Susy!)? You know why people go crazy...I was going somewhere with that. I got sidetracked and now have no idea where I was going...so just to say yesterday wasn't so great, but today has been way better.

With all the drama going on the past few months, I've not had an opportunity to talk about this, but I've wanted to for a while. You may have noticed my bald friend, Rachel, from a blog dated June 29 (click here to read it). Rachel was one of my childhood best friends, and back in March her mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She began treatments pretty much right away, and this Thursday will be her last one. HOW EXCITING!!! I've been wanting to mention Theresa (Rachel's mom), but I also always want to respect people's privacy when I walk about them. Everyone's battle is different when it comes to cancer, and I always want to be sensitive when it comes to stuff like this.

Today's good news - my mom is feeling much better AND Theresa gets to finish her treatments on Thursday.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

They Offered Me a Job

So I was going to blog more yesterday about all the great things we saw even in the midst of crazy circumstances with my FIL...time got the best of the day.

I took Mom to the hospital for her second of 8 chemo treatments. She slept during most of it. Again, they sent her home with a pump that continues to infuse chemo for 48 hours.

Then today happened. Since my granny is still around (she came to be with my mom while I went up to Kansas for the 4th), I took advantage and went to Houston to run some errands. Granny called me at one point to let me know that my mom wasn't feeling so well. She started to sweat pretty badly and was just feeling yucky. I asked her if she'd had enough juice, etc, etc. It doesn't take much for one to get dehydrated with an ileostomy. It also sounded like Mom's blood sugar was low. Granny said she'd wait a little while and see how things went.

Long story short, we ended up at the ER. Since I was already in Houston, I just met them there. They drew labs, did x-rays and found nothing. That's a good thing. The doctor told mom all of that could've been from a combination of things - low blood sugar, dehydration, doing too much activity too quickly after waking from a nap...

Her blood levels were fine, as were her electrolytes. She was just a tad low on magnesium. So no, she wasn't dehydrated, but it could've gotten there. And the blood sugar thing...well, again, just a combination of things. As far as feeling yucky, well, I'm certain we can certainly blame the chemo for that.

Today's good news - this ER visit found nothing major wrong with my mom, and she didn't have to be admitted.

Today's lesson - Grannies make great driving buddies because they can do all the talking when you have nothing to say.

Behind the scenes I'm working on - going back to how I used to be by giving EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt (when did I become so cynical with people?).

Love covers ALL.

Our Dad, Broken Clocks, and Raspberries

This might be long - brace yourself.

Nathan had a 4 day weekend due to the holiday last week so I went up there to spend some much-needed time with him...and the Kansas family, of course. I arrived in Wichita before noon just in time to meet Nathan for lunch. Within about 30 minutes, literally walking into the restaurant, Aleda (my MIL) calls to tell us that Jim (my FIL) was at a hospital having a heart attack. :0

That was last Thursday, July 3rd. Today is...someday, July 9, and he was released to go home earlier today. *sigh*

Let me just say that the past several days were another whirlwind of hospital.

Thursday, July 3rd - heart attack. Doc attempted stint, but it didn't work because the main left artery was 100% blocked. He tried several things, and nothing was going through to the heart. They sedated Jim for the remainder of the night and kept him in ICU. At one point a nurse asked Aleda if she knew how serious the situation was and highly recommended all of the children be there. :0

Friday...actually all the days kinda get mixed up. Basically, Jim had a medium but serious heart attack. The doctor said it wasn't massive, but that it was also definitely not mild. His PA was more frank with us and told us that Jim was 'lucky' to be alive and that someone was looking out for him. She said this is his second chance at life. He wasn't supposed to make it.

Amazing.

Craziness.

Broken clocks - Jim said that in the middle of one night, he asked his nurse what time it was. She told him it was 1 a.m. He went to sleep for a couple of hours (or so he thought) and asked her again what time it was. It was right after 1 a.m. He asked her several more times, and it was never past 1 a.m. He told her the clocks were broken.

Raspberries - One day while Jim still had a bunch of drugs in his system, he kept seeing raspberries every time he closed his eyes. He also saw the bathroom doorknob move from the middle of the door all the way to the bottom. He said he didn't know how he was going to reach down there to get it open. The the clock was moving all over the wall, and there were yellow squiggly lines on the wall. Drugs do what we call 'the raspberry effect.'

The dad is now home and doing better.

It's pretty crazy that this would happen now. I'm just glad I was up there already. If it had to happen, the timing sure was nice.

I'm learning. I'm trying to learn. Sometimes it's hard not to get disappointed. Initially, they were hoping to release Dad on Monday, but we had a bit of a 'scare' when he began having chest pains out of the blue again. Ugh. For real?

They took care of it, and the PA said the 'setback' was actually 'no big deal.'

What now? The artery is still 100% blocked. They've given him medicine to try to clear it somewhat and were going to try the stint thing again in several weeks. However, that part of the hart is already damaged, and there's no point in doing the stint thing if that part of the heart can't do anything anyway. The good thing - the docs said if there's a place to have a heart attack, that's the part of the heart where you want it. The doctor himself had this same kind of heart attack 15 years ago and is living with damaged tissue in that same area. He said, "Jim may not even miss it." But now he really has to take care of himself and the remainder of the heart. Another attack would be way too risky.

So I left Kansas today and made it to El Crapo, I mean El Campo around 9. Nice drive. I may just have some of the information wrong up there because I'm a bit on the sleepy side. I'll think of more tomorrow.

Thank you...whoever knew about our dad and was praying for him. We saw miracles, and I'll share about it more tomorrow.

P.S.

Okay, so what is it with me and computers? Seriously?! Today I was working on some really important stuff, and in the very middle it, the computer I was using just froze. I lost it ALL! Starting from scratch took me a couple of hours. I wasn't very happy about that.

Oh, AND my bookmarks - all gone too. Last week when the green goblin messed everything up, I had lost all bookmarks. By all, I mean all 60+. Yes, these are the ones I use because I can't remember all these websites. It's kinda like "Contacts" in a phone or in email - you have an address book because nobody can possibly remember everyone's information, just like I can't remember every single website I visit pretty often, especially all 40 something blogs. NO, I DO NOT read that many. I just had that many bookmarked because I casually bumped into them here and there and would browse some on occasion.

So I open the portable computer tonight to find that the new list of bookmarks I had started has been stolen by the goblin. This is so getting on my nerves.

Driving

Our visit with the pain doctor seemed productive yesterday. He gave us changes to Mom's pain regimen, and we're just going to see how that works. She was pretty exhausted yesterday, and I'm sure that's an effect from the chemo. Today she wasn't quite as tired, so we went to her office where we stayed for a good 6+ hours. What's tiring is the drive - the 45 min drive there (and obviously the same to return). It's the same way when we go to the hospital, but that takes even longer - a good 75 minutes or even up to 90. From the time I got my permit and license back in the day, I've enjoyed driving so that's probably a good thing seeing as sometimes that's all it seems we do. So anyway, my mom is doing pretty well tonight even after the long day. Thank you, God!

You know, I was thinking - God is good. In the midst of so much going at different times, I don't want to fail to recognize His hand in my life and His work in javascript:void(0)
Publish Postthe lives of those around me. It's amazing to look back and see how He's ordered our many steps so intricately. Some would say that God is not involved in the decisions or choices we make, but I don't believe that at all. In His great sovereignty, my God knows all things and works those for the good of them who love Him. There are many mysteries, unknowns that are foreign to me, to us. Yet, I believe that's just part of it. I can learn to appreciate the unknown again. I used to love it and grew to almost fear it recently. My faith and hope, however, remain in God alone. The God who loves me with a passion that's indescribable and who I love so insufficiently yet completely. The God who holds my heart and loves me in spite of my uglies.

Birds Fly

My mom woke up not feeling the best yesterday. It seems her long-acting pain pill is going right through to her pouch a lot of times. Now...to make a long explanation short, it's okay if the pill does that after a few hours. However, if the pill goes right through within the hour, it means Mom probably didn't absorb any of it. Then she just has to take the break-through pain pills. That's all fine and dandy, but it take a bit for those to kick in, so until they do we just...wait. We'll meet with the pain doctor tomorrow, and hopefully he'll give us more solutions for this. Pray that he does!

I headed out to the LJ to hang out with my cousins and some new faces. We had fun times and good food, and it was just nice to have a change of scenery.

With the Cuz


Apparently I can't keep my mouth closed ever


The 4 of us...and a bad photographer

First of the Last

So we left El Campo sometime just after 6 this morning for Mom's chemo treatment - the first of the last round of this stuff. They first infused some nausea medicine and then a drug that helps the chemo to basically be more effective. That's that part that took the longest - about 2 hours. After that they infused a quick 10 minutes of her chemo drug and sent us home with a pump that will continue infusing until Sunday sometime.

Mom said that she felt spoiled because she was in a private room with her own television and was offered all kinds of beverages and food. She didn't really take advantage of any of it, though. As soon as she put her head on the pillow and wrapped herself up with the warm blanket, she was out for pretty much the entire infusion.

There are, of course, many side effects that come with chemotherapy, any chemotherapy. Not all chemo is the same, and therefore, not all side effects are the same. Not only that, but our bodies will react differently...all things to consider. The oncologist and pharmacist told us what the most common side effects are and gave us prescriptions for meds to help control them.

So far, Mom is feeling okay. It's a couple of days after the treatment that she may feel the effects. For now, please pray that these side effects would be minimal - no mouth sores, no diarrhea, no vomiting.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

My blog is currently under construction so the pictures and some links are going crazy. They'll be back, but it'll take a little time.

Tha Banana

Have I mentioned how grateful I am for the people who bring smiles to my face? This is the Banana, who came to spend a couple of days with me earlier this week. From Indian food, to the beach to late nights and early mornings, the short time she was here flew by but was the best spoonful of sugar.


As time goes by...

It's NOT the User

Apparently I don't know how to use wireless internet. My mom has been going to her office for several hours when she's having an okay day. Today was one of those days. So what I typically do is drop her off, set up her computer, remind her to drink her juice and head off to Bay City (she works about 7 minutes from there). There's this coffee bar in Bay City with free wi-fi, so I go today with business in mind. By business I mean just stuff I have to do...all requiring the internet. I spent about 20 minutes trying to log on without success. So I call my computer tech cousins, and one of them really is amazing with this stuff and can walk people through fixing anything over the phone. Well, I don't know what's wrong with me, but the ridiculous computer wouldn't sign on. Ugh. I even tried the lappy that the green gobblin got to but only to be even more frustrated with the entire thing. Of course, I started blaming it on their system, but it was apparent that their system was fine when a 75 year-old 2 tables beside me could get on the WWW with no problem. So frustrating!

Eventually I decided to quit wasting the luxury of my time and returned to my mom's office. It's better that I'm here. I mean, I feel bad when I 'drop off' my mom and leave anyway. I should be here, you know. What if she starts feeling really bad. Yeah, it only takes me a few minutes to come get here, but still. At least here I can remind her to drink her juice.

So it looks like I'll be heading up to Kansas for the 4th of Jul to see the hubby for at least a couple of days. Yay!

Drive Much?

Do you know what the left lane is for in the Unites States of America? If you do not, apparently you are among the millions of Americans who chose not to show up on the day they taught driving at driving school. If you know what it's for and insist on driving in the left lane even though you're going slower than the people on the right lane, then you are just the kind of person...who really makes me mad. Do you realize that this action causes more accidents than running red lights? Okay, so I don't really know that for sure. Actually I made that up, but still - it's probably close to true...just as close are you are to getting hit by all the crazies trying to get past you while you idle next to the car on the other lane...going the same speed...for 20 minutes. Seriously?!

I've made several trips to and from Houston and other places the past week, and I'm certain that more people than not don't pay attention to the law that states that one should use the left lane for PASSING. Seriously.

Moving on to more important matters - so...my mom got her chemo port inserted yesterday. It's almost just like the one they inserted when she had the TPN. It's in a vain that runs from her arm to her heart, and this is what they'll use to infuse the chemo.

Mom's first treatment will be on Friday morning. Originally they told us she'd only be infused at the hospital for 20 or 30 minutes. They lied (I don't think they meant to). She will actually be infused for about 3 hours. Then she'll carry a little fanny pack home that continues to infuse that yuck stuff for 48 hours. They still plan on beginning with small doses and will increase them gradually.

Overall she has been better. It's sometimes hard to see that from day to day, but thinking about her state 2 weeks ago and even last week, I know Mom's definitely improving. It's as the doctor said - a slow healing process. I'm such the "microwave American." I want things here and now. (On a complete side note - that does NOT mean that I at all condone the actual use of microwave ovens. You should really consider yours. Really. Consider tossing it in the landfill that is. Or if you're into the whole global warming thing, you can recycle it or whatever. You can even make artsy stuff with them.) Wow, that was a total rabbit trail...

Let me just say that I should've been asleep 10 hours ago...which really means at least a couple of hours ago. I've gotten in this terrible habit lately of staying up late, sleeping in till like 8 or 9 sometimes...unless we have to leave for the hospital at 6 am that is. I don't like it. I quit this staying up stuff years ago when I realized how hazardous it was to my wannabe healthy lifestyle. I'm all about the early bird catching the spider or whatever. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of 'inspirational' thinking, chatting, writing, and I'd love to share that one day soon. I just get so sleepy when I start to blog. Maybe after I nap.

The Green Space Monster

You know that feeling you get when you think you've lost your wallet (or when you actually do lose it)? That's what I get when Nathan says, "I think the computer crashed..." You say, "But Susy, you're a pretty responsible person. I'm sure you have back ups."

Well, you'd think I would have learned that lesson years ago the first time I lost everything. And by everything I mean 3 really important things, or sets of things. I had been working on 2 different projects, manuals to be exact. I had been working on one of them for a good 6+ months, and it was something that I had promised someone. The other one was mainly for my purposes, but both were still pretty important to me. I had put hours of thought and application into these, and in one moment, they were gone. Okay, so maybe I could recapture most of the information and over time re-write them, but what I couldn't ever get back were the pictures I lost.

That was item number 3. But, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, it wasn't just one item. These were hundreds of pictures, hundreds of memories...now gone. This was exactly why I had been so reluctant to go digital. I knew something like this could happen, and it did.

So after that incident you think that I would have started some kind of back up system. Ugh. I can be such the procrastinator. My pictures are gone again, and I can't blame anyone but myself (and that little green guy). Sure, I could call Mr. Gates and find out why in the world his software isn't working. I could ask Nathan what in the world he did (or didn't do) to lose my stuff again. I could even try to blame mr. devil for ...keeping me distracted so that I wouldn't make the time to back up my stuff. But I can't. After the last crazy crash, I should have done something, but I didn't.

So now here I am - no pictures (except the ones in photobucket or the few in my jump drive), no files, nothing. I've recently started using an old portable computer (aka laptop). Note the keyword old. Because it's old and broken (the screen can hardly hold itself up), it runs like the first computer we owned back in 1989. Mr. Portable gets super upset if I try to run more than one program. Oh, and opening more than one tab in Firefox, oh, forget it. He has a cow and refuses to even function most of the time. At least it works, thought, right? Yes. And at least I can connect to write to you folks. But I definitely can't depend on him to store my stuff. I will not do that again. Beginning now I'm storing on a jump drive until I figure out what kind of back up system to use. I just know that this can't happen anymore.

What's the moral of this story? There is none. I just wanted to share about my computer frustrations and remind you to back yours up because you never know when it'll decide to blow.

Oh, and let me just say that I believe there are aliens (yes, I think they're green) running around blowing alien juice into computers and inserting locator microchips into our feet.

Rollah Coaster

You know that feeling you get when you've run like 15 or 20 miles? Hmm...not so much for some. Okay, you know that feeling you get when you've been on a roller coaster? It's like you're on this high. That is unless you've ridden it so much that it can practically put you to sleep. Okay, not the greatest examples. Maybe it's that feeling when you're looking forward to riding a roller coaster. That's what it is. You're anticipating this great and wonderful experience. Yes, it's fun, but it's amazing because of the people with you. That's what it is. It's the people that make the difference. That's what it's been for me. My people have made the difference. My people have made me laugh and cry, and they're just really beautiful. I love my people. I love how different they all are and how they make all things beautiful. They inspire me to experience life without reservation. They give me life, and they make me want to ride roller coasters.

Dear God, thank you for all the beautiful people you've given me...and for the roller coasters.

Jaded

If you know me, you know that I try to be optimistic and look for the good. Today it's hard. Today it's like I don't even want to. It's not that I only see hopelessness. No. It's just one of those days. I used to never allow myself those days, but I realize that I can't stop them now as much as I may want to stop them. I gotta let these days come, and I gotta deal with it.

Today I miss my husband. Today I miss...so much. I feel very selfish in even writing this because I shouldn't have complaints. There is so much good...

...but there's still today. There are still very real situations that I have to accept, and I'm trying to do that without dishonoring God or any person. I was told that it's okay to be weak. I am just that today. I'm disillusioned and sad, and I hate to admit it. I hate to not be the strong one. But today is a very real day. I'm trying not to think of the losses, of what's been missed, but today I can't help it.

That's today.

Tapering the Pills

Mom has been working on tapering her pain medication. It's been going okay, but she's had to take more Tylenol. That's not a bad thing necessarily. Actually, it's a great thing if Tylenol rather than the strong stuff can take care of the pain. She does have 2 extended release meds she's on. One of them is a patch that releases narcotics for 72 hours. The other is a pill she takes every 8-12 hours. Considering how much she was on in the past, it's really good that she only takes the Tylenol in between.

Yesterday we found out that on the 24th of this month, they'll be doing the procedure to insert the port through which she'll have the chemo. The next day the doctor will evaluate her, and her treatments will begin Friday, June 27 as long as he clears everything.

It's funny, I mean, it's really not, but that's the term people use. Um, so we've been all over MD Anderson and have pretty much figured our way through almost the entire facility. It's a huge place with departments here, there, and everywhere on this that and all 12 floors. Getting from elevator A to elevator G then to another clinic through the sky bridge feels like an accomplishment. In fact, the staff have a name for the walk (from one elevator at one end of the building to the other). So anyway, there are places we walk past that always bring this thought, "Hmmm...I wonder what ___ (some cancer department terminology) means. I wonder what that department does." I quit asking that question. It seemed as if every time I asked that, my mom would end up there for some reason or another, and those reasons not having anything to do with her scheduled treatment. It was always due to some setback or whatever. That's why I don't like walking new-to-us floors; my curiosity always asks, "I wonder..."

When we were there last week, Mom was the one who asked the, "I wonder..." question. Well, now we know one of the mysterious places is where she'll be receiving the chemo infusions every other week. Our crazy curiosity. At least this is part of the game plan.

I know, I know, I shouldn't live with that fear of, "Oh my goodness, if I say anything she could end up in this place or that." I know that. I know that I don't dictate what happens with my mom's treatment, her life, or anyone else's for that matter (including my own). Sometimes those thoughts just come.

Our prayer request remain the same: please pray for continued healing, strength, energy, appetite, and the house. Yes, my mom's house is still up for sale, and we would soooo like for it to sell today! Being in Lake Jackson would make this journey a little more comfortable. Family does that. They make everything better.

Find What You're Looking For

Does this ever happen to you - you're reading something, but your mind isn't even there? Then you get to the end of the page or paragraph or whatever completely clueless about what you've just supposedly read. So you have to go back and read it all over again. This happens to me a lot lately. In fact, it happens so much that this used-to-read-at-least-2-books-per-month gal hasn't gotten through even one book this year. I haven't found anything to capture and hold my attention. I've reverted to my health and nutrition books, but even those can't keep me for long.

But back to what I was saying - so I was trying to read last tonight, and nothing is making sense. I'm going from sentence to sentence just getting through the page. Then one phrase catches my eye so much that I actually make sense of the entire thing. "...knock a bit louder, you begin to find you are dirty."

It was talking about the whole seek, knock thing. I was seeking tonight. I wasn't searching inwardly or doing self-evaluation or anything like that. I was looking for something totally different. Something inspiring maybe. Something encouraging. I mean that stuff is everywhere, but it was this 'cleanse your hands' part that made me stop.

And then it came - "Oh my goodness..." I said it out loud and didn't finish my thought because I was busted. To make a painfully long 15 minutes short, I literally was taken from one verse to another about clean hands, pure heart...intentions, all that.

Seeking God means knocking at His door. Psalm 24:3 asks who may knock and have the door opened. Verse 24 says, "HE WHO HAS CLEAN HANDS AND A PURE HEART..." It's not talking about perfection. None of us would be able to come. It's not about getting our act together before we come. No, otherwise there would be no need for Jesus. No, I think it's talking about integrity, motives, character.

You know how we do this thing that we call 'venting?' I do it, and I allow others to vent their frustrations with me. I mean, we can't keep them bottled up; we'll go psycho, right? I've been in positions where venting was a natural part of what I had to listen to, and I was fine with that because I had this policy. If you wanted to vent, fine, but that's where it ended. As long as that was the end of it, and I didn't hear about it anymore or it didn't go anywhere else, that was fine. It had to end there, and sometimes it meant action - like confrontation, etc. When it comes to listening, I can pretty much deal with it and stay neutral.

The thing is that it doesn't always end there. Can I just get real here? In the name of venting, I realize that I recently almost took it too far. In fact, from what I was reading tonight, God might call it slander. Thus the "Oh my goodness!" *sigh* I know, I know, I can be such the drama queen sometimes, and no, I'm not telling lies about people, nor am I outright calling someone names. BUT the way I made someone appear to someone else that doesn't even know, was no better. It was wrong of me, and I have to make it right. Ugh. That's the yuckiest, most humbling part.

My friends, I'm not telling you this because I want you to think that I'm blessed with humility or have even a false sense of humility. If anything, it's the opposite. The thing is that I've learned and grown in the past from the honesty of others when they've made mistakes. The other day I was talking with a friend who challenged me to be completely real when I write, when I blog, when in conversation, when everything with everyone. She challenged me to be completely vulnerable when I was really weak and allow the world to see that we all have very real, doubtful, crazy moments. It's definitely hard for me to show weakness because I'm supposed to not be the weak one. Says who? *shrug* I don't know.

I do know that I want to 'find.' In order to find, I have to seek and knock. Knocking doesn't always bring about what we think we're looking for, but what our eyes are opened to in the process is always what we need. And that's when we find what we're truly looking for - or WHO we're looking for.

It's Raining Outside

I watched the rain fall and thought about this - (please note that these are very premature thoughts...haven't sat on them for long...just my first observations)...

Rain - the purpose of rain for vegetation is nourishment. Plants cannot grow without water. Even though it doesn't rain every day,many plants are watered daily. Different geographical areas receive different amounts of rain during the year, according to its needs. The desert is just that - a desert, so it receives very little rain. Rain forests are the opposite.



God has ordained geography just as He has ordained how much 'rain' we receive in our lives. When it rains, it's for nourishment. It's so that I don't get dry. The hard times are so that I draw close to Him and continue to depend on Him as my source. Some seasons have more rain than others; some people have more rain than others at different times.

Sometimes rain can seem constant. In my case, I believe it's because my heart is so prone to being wayward. I am so prone to depending on me that the Lord must allow rain to fall so that I am constantly aware of Him, constantly aware that He is my source, my life, my all. I would die without the rain; pride would surely be my death.

So the rain - good or bad?

And here's one last thought this day - if I knew no rain or storms, how could I know the sunshine? If we knew no dryness, how could we love the rain?

No Cocktail

That's right - Mom's oncologist told us yesterday that because the pathology report on the entire tumor was so great that she won't need a cocktail of chemo; it'll just be one drug. He wants to begin the treatments in 3 weeks, as long as she's gained some weight and her recovery has progressed a bit more. She'll go every other week for 4 months (for a total of 8 treatments) and be infused at the hospital for about 30 minutes. She'll remain hooked up to a machine that will coninue to infuse the chemo for 48 hours. The machine is similar to what she had before with the TPN.

The oncologist has been along the ride (for the most part) so is completely aware of how sick my mom was just a couple of months ago as a result of the treatments. He has been awesome and reassured us about the whole thing. He said that with these infusions, he'll be able to better monitor the side effects of the chemo and will keep a very close eye on her. She'll have smaller doses than what she had before, and if at any point she begins to get sick, we can just stop the treatments, hopefully having completed at least 4.

Sure, it kinda stinks that she has to undergo more treatments, but it's an understatement to say how highly they recommend the post-op chemo. Her cancer was advanced, and they want there to be the smallest possibility of reoccurrence as they can get to. Okay, so yeah it may stink, but we got some pretty incredible news. Now, we already knew about the pathology report - there was zero cancer left when the surgeon went into cut. What he cut out was scar tissue and what they call complete treatment effect. The 18 lymph nodes that were removed had zero cancer. No margin of what was cut had cancer. It was all zero, negative for cancer. That was awesome news to us. Here's what we didn't know - that kind of pathology report is almost unheard of in these scenarios (the location, size, and stage of cancer). They attempt to bring it down to 10, sometimes even 5% cancer, meaning that there is still cancer in part of what they remove. The surgeon's PA had told us how great of news it was to have 0%, but I guess we didn't know really how to compare that. We just assumed it was normal to have that kind of report. Not so, friends. In fact, the oncologist's PA told us this kind of report is very rare. AMAZING!!!

I'm smiling as I type this because I'm just in awe of God's goodness. Yes, my mom still has a ways to go, but we're seeing miracles in the process of this mess. A beautiful mess.

Thinking about it almost makes me speechless. Notice I say almost. Yeah, that's because I want to thank you for not only reading my rambling blog after blog, but also thank you for praying so faithfully for my mom. I believe that these miracles we see are in direct relation to all of the prayers on behalf of my mom. As I've said before, God knows ahead of time what we need, but He asks us to ask Him anway, and I know it works. HE works. He works it out according to His will, and though we don't know what that is sometimes nor do I completely understand it, I do know prayer works. THANK YOU!

With that, I ask that you pray for:
-Continued physical healing from the cuts, movements, everything that took place during surgery
-Strength & energy - my mom gets super tired very easily. Please pray that she regains her strength more and more every day so that she can feel a bit more normal.
-Appetite & weight - since the surgery, she has been hungry only twice, and though that's normal, it's be so much easier if she had an appetite. Yes, she's eating because she has to, but Mom said today that it's really hard when you can't enjoy what you're eating because you're just not hungry. She's lost a couple of pounds since last week, and that's not so good. She's eating more and more, so we aren't completely sure why the weight loss. She needs to gain it in order to be able to heal better and more quickly.
-Ileostomy - well, the pouch that she has to wear isn't the easiest to live with. Don't get me wrong, we're incredibly grateful that technology has given her the opportunity to really heal from the surgery, and we're super thankful that this is temporary. BUT that doesn't negate the fact that this is a huge adjustment. Pray that the frustrating part of it wouldn't be so frustrating.
-House - last but not least, my mom and her husband are trying to sell their house so that they can live in Lake Jackson (rather than El Campo). Her husband's business in now solely in Lake Jackson (he commutes over an hour twice every day), and the family is there as well. It'll be way more convenient there. Please pray that the house would sell soon!

Okay, I know, lots of stuff, and I tend to ramble on and on. Again, I do appreciate your prayers more than I can say.

Sweet Home

My absence was due to internet connection issues...well, lack of connection is really what it was. We came to my mom's house in El Campo on Friday and pretty much spent the weekend unpacking and getting settled. Since nobody has been living here since January, they cut off the internet and cable. It was just in the past day or so that everything finally got to working.

My mom was feeling pretty well on Saturday morning, so we spent several hours at my niece's swim meet. That was a nice distraction from the unpacking. Since then, Mom has been getting really tired. I don't know if the weekend caught up with her or what, but I do also know she's still healing and will be for a while. I try to remember what the surgeon told us - the healing is going to take a WHILE. It could take months, and it could get frustrating. That's why Mom needs all the cheerleading she can get. Where are my pom-poms when I need them?

We're getting ready to head to MD for her appointment with her oncologist. Hopefully he'll let us know today what kind of chemo cocktail they'll brew for her last round of it, and hopefully it'll be as mild as they can make it.

The Longest Day Ever

Seriously, yesterday was one of the longest days ever. So I know I exaggerate a lot, and I know I've had way longer days, but yesterday was just awful waiting.

So Mom had an appointment with the surgeon's PA to get her staples removed at 9 AM. We also had to pack all of our stuff (we did most of it on Monday - Labor Day after watching like 90 million hours of Jon & Kate + 8) that morning, get it in the car and check out before the appointment. All of that went smoothly except for getting things in the car neatly organized. I used to have really bad OCD about organization. I realized years ago that I was stressing out the people around me way too much and learned to chill out. Well, I still wanted the car at least a little decent, but...we did what we could. Of course, Mom shouldn't carry anything over 10 lbs so I had to keep an eye on her.

The PA had told us to come closer to 9:30 and to expect to wait who knows how long. She told us to bring a couple of books and plenty of entertainment. We actually waited for her less time than we ever have. After she removed all 30 staples and answered all of my 74 million questions, we were done with her. We just needed to go to the pain department and have them write a new prescription for Mom's absolutely necessary pain medicine...

...that turned into the worst experience we've had at MD. Honestly, it's been great there. Sure, the reason for being there really stinks, but considering the circumstances, it's been a great place. All of the staff from the cooks in the cafeteria to the 'highest' of doctors have been incredibly gracious and kind...that was the case until yesterday. To make a VERY long story short, we ended up waiting for about 5 hours for a certain department to finally tell us they couldn't do anything about what we'd given them. If they had just told us that very thing from the very beginning, they wouldn't have had to put up with my near-yelling. It's one thing to make me wait a couple of hours. It's quite another to make my mom, who's still way recovering from this ridiculously complicated surgery, wait 5 hours. I wasn't just upset. I was so angry that I almost lost it with those people. And you know how it could've been avoided? Had Mr. Front Desk Man in that department listened to the entire situation, we all would have been a bit happier at the end of the day. So again, long story short, when they finally told us what they could and couldn't do, we just simply went to the pharmacy, and they took care of everything in 45 minutes. I should have done that from the very beginning, but I honestly that that what happened would have happened had we gone to the pharmacy first. I know, none of this is making sense to you, but in my head, I get it.

We finally made it to the LJ around 7:15. I was so mentally exhausted that I couldn't open the mobile computer to blog.

Oh, we got some great news about the cats. My mom's cousin emailed us yesterday and said she'd love to take the cats temporarily until we find a permanent home for them. She also volunteered to proactively help us find a home for them since our plates are still a little full trying to get Mom's house ready (their AC broke and there's just stuff to do) for her to return and doctor's appointments like every other day it seems. Anyway, then this morning I received a promising email about a possible permanent home for the cats. I can't tell you how relieving it is to us! I hated the thought of the SPCA.

Oh, and by the way, the surgeon's PA says that Mom is looking really great. Sure, she lost a little weight, but it was nothing compared to before, and she's just progressing so well. SERIOUS WOW! We're super excited about how she's doing and crazy thankful for it and for your prayers.

I'll try more later...

Need A Kitty?

This was Mom and me yesterday. We've been spending a lot of time outside in the little park areas by the Rotary House and the hospital. It gets pretty old being cooped up in one place, so we found a place where we've been spending most of our time. We sit or lay on the lawn chairs, eat, sleep, talk, whatever. Yes, the Texas heat it making its way, but with the breeze, it hasn't been too bad.

Mom has been doing more and more walking, but we're trying to find the balance of walking to get better and walking a marathon. Yes, the doctor ordered the walking, however, we know that resting is another part of healing.

On Tuesday Mom will get her staples removed...all 30 or 31 of them, and afterwards we can go home. She's not looking forward to the staple removing, but she's ready to be home. We were planning to go straight to her house, but there are logistical issues we need to work out. For one, their AC broke at some point while we were away, and the lovely people the insurance called haven't showed up to repair it. The other major 'issue' (or 2) is that of her cats. I had mentioned before that although my mom is really attached to her kitties, it's just better all around to find someone to adopt them. They had a taker at one point, but the person backed out...and on a side note here, can I just say how frustrating that is? "Swear to your own hurt and change not." God thought it was so important that we keep our word, that He put that in the Bible. I know, I know, I've done it - I've backed out on stuff when I'd given my word, but hopefully that was 10 years ago and have since learned not to do that. If you give someone your word on something, just do it. Swear to your own hurt and change not.

So back to the cats - they're Siamese kitties - a brother and sister. At first my mom wanted to keep them together, but it's really not a big deal now. My mom was especially attached to the girl kitty. She goes and lays on her lap when Mom is working in her office and lays with her on the couch. The boy cat isn't as sweet and doesn't always care for new people, but it just takes him time. After being around me just a few days, he wanted to come around.

Anyway, if you or anyone you know want a couple of kitties, let me know. If they're not gone soon, they may have to go to the SPCA. That may not be so bad, but it would traumatize them I'm sure. They've gotten so used to being spoiled by my mom...it's sad to think of them going off to the SPCA. I've always had a special place in my heart for animals...even cats.

P.S.

This was Mom and me as we were leaving the hospital. The lady who took the picture obviously doesn't photograph for a living, but at least we got something.

We Have the Path Report

You know, since the beginning of this ordeal, it's been very hard to accept difficult days after we've had good days. It was easier to understand when Mom was in the middle of treatments and things seemed to get worse. Afterwards, though, I imagined things would get better...only to have her hospitalized twice. Now my mind automatically thinks every single day should be better. Not so today. It wasn't necessarily a bad day; it was just not as good as yesterday and the day before. Mom was in a bit more pain, and honestly, sometimes it's hard to stay upbeat when things aren't great. It's hard for me to accept because I'm 'Susy sunshine' - I've been a positive person for the most part. I'm optimistic. I want everything and everyone to just be happy-go-lucky all the time. When it's not so, it can be challenging for me not only to understand but to deal with it.

Anyway, all that to say that it wasn't a bad day, but we've had better. That's just how it is sometimes, and it's during those times that we have to look beyond the present circumstances and to...what? Off of ourselves and to God, who has our lives in His hands. He knows the why's of the what's. He orchestrates everything according to His will and for our good. Why He allows ugh stuff sometimes is beyond us, but this is for sure - He does and will use it all. Nothing goes to waste.

On a really great note - we got the pathology report from the entire removed tumor, or tissue area. The surgeon's PA told us over the phone, which is something she says she rarely does, but we've become really close to her and (she) didn't mind telling us.

The report says something like this (oh, and we'll get a written one on Tuesday, after which I'll be able to give a better report) - what was removed was now just scar tissue. It had the complete treatment effect. Three additional levels of testing revealed no more tumor cells were there, no more cancer cells. Eighteen lymph nodes were removed with the margin, and ALL of them returned negative for tumor (cancer). ALL margins were negative.

So what that says is that the treatment did what it was supposed to - not only did it shrink the tumor, but it basically just left it as scar tissue. It was dead. There were no living cancer cells. And the margins from what he removed had no cancer.

Friends, that's AMAZING news. Isn't my God good?

Out

Mom was released from hospital today to the Rotary House - the MD Anderson Hotel. We got here around 1, checked in, ate lunch, walked around and then napped for almost 2 hours. I need to get going, but I'll write more tomorrow.

Mom is feeling okay. She's had a bit of nausea since yesterday, but we're trying to keep in under control.

I Might be a Boring Daughter

Mom has been doing awesome! Yesterday was a great day and today has been almost just as great. She had a little nausea today, but other than that, things are going well. We're only waiting on the ostomy nurses to help us again with changing the bag, and then we're good to go. Mom is walking, walking, walking, and she's drinking, drinking, drinking - water and juice. Her magnesium and potassium waver a bit, so they recommended she sip on broths and stuff. She loves soup, but she doesn't necessarily like sipping them instead of water. So I'm trying my best to encourage her to 'snack' on soup and crackers. Of course, with nausea none of us like to eat anything. Overall, though, Mom is making great progress.

I'm trying to find ways to entertain Mom during the dull moments. Now that she's feeling so well, I'm trying to keep her out of bed as well because if her surgeon sees her in it, he'll get on to her. So we walk, eat, read (for the first time in my life reading is getting old), watch some TV...do crosswords...today I was packing up our stuff...it's really the only day that has been like this. Other days there are nurses, docs, people. When she wasn't feeling well, she would sleep. I thank God for the 'down' time though. It just means things are going really well. THANK GOD!

Tubes Be Gone

In spite of the 'pain' challenges that we've had, it's been awesome to see the victories we've had. One of those is the removal of the tubes. Day to day, one more tube or the like has been removed from Mom. As of right now, she is no longer hooked up to anything, including the Foley catheter. The only thing that's left is the epidural. The epidural isn't actually hooked it up to anything. The doctors just haven't removed it.

This morning they began the weaning process and are transitioning Mom from the epidural to oral medication. She walked quite a bit already and is allowed to eat whatever she desires. The only thing she has to be careful with is raw fruits and vegetables. She has an appetite and is still tolerating food really well. Let's pray this continues.

I was telling Mom earlier how proud of her I was for fighting so hard to get well. I mean, if I had this huge, long cut in my abdomen and knew I would be in pain from walking, I wouldn't do it. I think I'd be one of those people who just lays in bed. She knows it's the way to heal, though, and she's going above and beyond what the doctor ordered. Sure, it wears her out, but she does it anyway. Sure, it causes pain, but she does it anyway. Mom is determined to get well. So anyway, I was telling her how proud of her I was, and she wouldn't take the credit. She just said, "Thank God. Thank the Lord He is helping me so much. He is so good to me."

And it's true. God is so good to us. I complain so much about so many things when really I have nothing about which to complain. Nothing. Nothing compared to the blind man down the hall who is recovering from surgery and depends on the nurses to help him walk around. He does it without complaint and with so much joy. I have nothing to complain about compared to little Anya, who has been battling Leukemia since last June and has to deal with all of the crazyness of the side effects from treatment. I have nothing to complain about compared to so many people, including my mom. Yet, she feels like she can't really complain and doesn't.

Soft Diet

Mom is on a soft diet now and has tolerated her food very well. Tomorrow morning they will give her oral medication and turn the epidural off. If all goes well and her pain is managed, they will remove the epidural. Physical pain is junk. Yes, Mom's pain is manged for the most part, but it stinks that it has to be there at all.

She walked quite a bit today. It was probably twice as much as yesterday. All the walking definitely drained her, so hopefully she can sleep well and for a while tonight. We've both been waking up around 3 when the nurses do labs and all that stuff (though they check on her vitals throughout the entire night), and we have a difficult time really sleeping afterwards. We doze off here and there, but real sleep from 3 on isn't really real.

One of the doctors who works with Mom's surgeon told us that they want to release her on Monday. As long as things go as planned tomorrow, we'll head across the street to the Rotary House, where we'll stay for another week so the doctors can keep a close eye on her.

Today was better, and we'll take that. My prayer request continues to be that her pain is eased and that she continues to progress at this pace. She's doing awesome considering the kind of surgery she just had. I thank God that He's given us so many victories already. Mom is right on target, and I couldn't ask for more. Please pray also that the side effects of the stuff she's on wouldn't be so crazy. Mom forgets so much stuff, and it really bothers her. These drugs would make any of us loopey. Hopefully it'll be better with the oral meds.

Thank you, again, for your prayers. God knows ahead of time what we need. He can take care of it without us; however, he asks us to pray, and I thank you for doing that because we couldn't make it without you.

Where is the Meat?

Mom was dozing off at some point and woke up asking where the roast was. She makes me laugh.

Mom walked again and had just gotten into bed when her surgeon came to see her. He gives her a really hard time about being in bed, and I know it gets to my mom a bit. He does it in humor but also to encourage her. What can I say? He's a surgeon.

The pain is still semi-managed. If mom sits or lays still, she's okay. The whole moving around thing is still terribly hard on her incision and whatever all was messed with during surgery. Yes, she's doing better, and we're thankful for that. We just want to see less and less pain with more and more progress. Dr. Skibber is well pleased with mom's improvement and said she may be on a soft diet tomorrow. Tonight she ate some apple sauce and yogurt. She tolerated them pretty well.

So now I pray for a good night for us and a better day tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.

Tapioca Pudding

Last night Mom had a pretty good night. I really loved our overnight nurse because she was so attentive. Mom slept a good 5 hours without waking. After 3 a.m., though, the nurses and people were in and out. We finally ended up turning the lights on around 6 I think. Shortly after 7 AM, Mom got up to walk, and it was good. She had an easier time than yesterday and went around the nurses' station twice. She then sat in a chair for a while just to stay out of bed and tried walking again. This time it wasn't so good. She ended up in pretty bad pain and had to go back to bed after a bit.

We then had a few visitors, which was awesome! The doctor said that key to Mom's recovery is a lot of cheerleading. The phone calls, visits, etc. are all very encouraging to her.

We just returned from another walk that wasn't as easy as the first this morning, but it was definitely not as bad as the second one. Mom is so brave to get up and keep trying after experiencing the pain she has. She's pretty stinkin amazing! I'm truly blessed to have a mom who is such a fighter in every way. She's fighting for her life, and I couldn't be more proud of or thankful to her for never throwing in the towel.

Please continue to pray that her pain is not just controlled, but that it is also eased. Jesus knows a kind of pain that none of us have ever imagined, so I know that He has compassion on her. It's a comfort to know that He really relates to our circumstances. His grace is sufficient.

Oh, one more thing - Mom is now on a full liquid diet, which includes yogurt and pudding. She has already tried a few bites of pudding and some jello. It's all good so far. It's common after a surgery like this to have nausea and vomiting because the insides, especially the intestines have been sleeping. So far so good.

Is It Morning or Night?

11 PM - That's what Mom asks when she wakes up from a nap. When her pain goes up to where the pump isn't working, the nurse will give her this burst of other stuff, and usually it puts her to sleep. We (I) have to work on waking her up to walk. The pain control is for her to get up and walk. She has now walked a total of 4 times today, and that's good. The nurse also wants Mom to sit in the chair rather than lay in bed because it keeps blood flowing, etc.

All of the staff here has been great. Yes, we have some favorite nurses (it's hard not to), but at times, it's like they all become our favorites. Our night nurse is all about thinking positive. All of the nurses are, but this nurse tells Mom constantly stuff like, "...you're not weak, don't be scared, the pain will go...you're not weak...positive, positive, positive..."

So now I just ask that you pray that this pain will stay under control. The first 72 hours, the time period for the worst of the pain, is coming tomorrow. I'm definitely hopeful that truly the pain is subsiding even now and will continue to do so.

Oh, another quick prayer request - actually this is 2 - Mom and her husband have been trying to sell their home and move from El Campo to Lake Jackson to be closer to the rest of the family. So far, nothing has happened with that. Sure, it would be in the middle of all this, but it'd be really great to be closer to the family than way out there while she's recovering and also going through another phase of chemo in the next few months. Please pray that their home sell soon.

Lastly...Mom has been trying to get rid of her 2 cats. She loves those cats, but in the long run, it'll be way better for her not to have the cats around. They've been on their own since February basically, and that makes us sad. Don't worry - she's not cruel; someone has been checking on them, feeding them, cleaning out the litter, and all that good stuff. They're good cats, but again, in the long run, it's better that she not have that worry. We thought they had found a home, but it hasn't worked out and may not. Mom wanted to keep them together, but th more she thought about it, the less important that was as long as they both went to good homes. So if you know anyone who'd like a cat or two, let me know.

This is Mom the day of the surgery...well, during the evening sometime after she was in a room.


This is tonight. Notice the tubes have been removed and how much better she's doing.

Into a Different Room

5:45 - Mom sleeps. She has been moved to a permanent room (out of ICU basically). Her goal is to walk 3 more times today (she's walked twice). We tried about an hour ago, and that didn't go so well. Her pain shot up like crazy, and we had to work hard and watch her agonize trying to get back in bed. The nurse gave her something that worked pretty quickly this time, so that's good. In the past, it took a while for that to work, so I'm hoping this means progress.

The ostomy nurses came to see us earlier to give us our first lesson emptying and changing the bag. All this medical stuff fascinates me more and more every day. I think I should have been a surgeon. I don't think I could do the nurse thing, but cutting and stapling people - that might be fun.

After a bit mom will have to wake up to try the walking thing again. As her surgeon came and told us earlier - the goal of total pain control is so that she can get up and move around, not sit or lay in bed. That can lead to many problems.

Can I just say how grateful I am to you? If you're reading this, most likely you are praying for us, and that means EVERYTHING! We know we're not in this alone, and that really is what keeps us all 'hanging in there.' I'm so grateful to have the friends and family I do who are so great to stand by us when we need it. THANK YOU for your love!

She Walks

10:15 AM - Last night was a bit rough to a point. Actually, yesterday was a bit rough. There were several issues when it came to pain control. Mom has developed a tolerance for some of these narcotics because she has needed so much even just recently. The problem with giving her large doses of this and that is that her already low blood pressure could drop even more. The third major issue with the pain was it seemed the epidural was only reaching the right side of her body. When they did pain tests, it was the left that was the worst. They wanted to just move the catheter a tiny bit, but Mom's blood was too thin, and the doctors didn't want even a little bleeding.

The solution - while waiting for the plasma to thicken Mom's blood, she was given a couple of different pain meds, Between the hours of 7 and midnight, we had the pain management people in the room at least 3 times administering all kinds of stuff. Once her blood was finally thick enough, they moved the catheter just slightly. From about 11 PM to 3 AM Mom slept pretty soundly. At 3 the nurses came in and out and this and that.

So far so good today. Her blood pressure did drop way low (systolic # in the 60's and diastolic in the 40's), but the nurses and doctors are all on top of it.

Mom got up and sat in a chair again for quite a while. Then she wanted to try walking. We went around he nurses station one time, and she did quite well. She was hunching the left side of her body down a little so we kept reminded her to try to straighten up. Overall, though, she did really great. Of course, all of that this morning and the disturbed sleep made her pretty tired. She dozed off a bit earlier as we were getting ready to use the spirometer.

Mom should be moved into a room at some point today. The pain doctors who have worked with us reassured me that they will continue to monitor her closely here and when we move to a room as well.

Please pray:
-for the pain to really be managed and to be eased. They told us the first 72 hours would be the worst. I look forward to the acute pain leaving, but in the meantime, pray that pain would continue to be manged.
-for Mom's blood pressure not to drop as she continues to use the epidural.
-for continued overall healing.

8 PM - Pain management - so hard I'm sure, but why can't they just giver her a shot to make it all go away? I wish it was that easy. Not only is low blood pressure an issue but so is the fact that Mom has become immune to a lot of pain meds from having to take them the past few months. We'll see what the pain management team has to say tonight.

The issue during the past several hours has been pain control. Mom's pain was managed this morning, but her blood pressure was dropping too low for the doctors to comfortably continue the same regimen. While they were adjusting, Mom's pain got way bad for a while. It then came down, but it would spike again. It was like that for a while. So far it's been managed for a good little while.

The surgeon even came in at one point. He asked why they hadn't made more of an effort to get Mom up. Hello! His big hurry is that laying in bed too long after this kind of major surgery without getting up isn't...good. The way to heal is to get up and out of bed. His words - walk, walk, walk. He had mom take off her incision bandage on her own. It took her a good 5 minutes because she had been in a bit of pain, but she did it. We got to see her incision for the first time, and according to them it looks good. It's pretty long - not 12 inches, but maybe 8...?? I'll measure later.

An ostomy nurse came in to just talk to us and said that Mom's output means she's progressed and ahead of the game. She also said that pain management for the first 3 days (but especially the first 2) after surgery can be really difficult. She encouraged Mom to constantly use her pump and to let someone know immediately if she wasn't getting relief. The past 40 minutes have been okay.

How to pray -
- Pain Management - We're still working on this, so pray that we find Mom's personal prescription for this quickly.
- Continued protection from infection
- Recovery
- Nausea - They've removed a tube from Mom's nose that was connected to her stomach. It drained stomach acid that kept her from vomiting. It's gone...

...and they want to get her up to a chair now...gotta go...

Drugs

The pain management team came in and are making some tweaks to the epidural. They'll be reducing the anesthetic and will increase the opiates/narcotics. Increasing the anesthetic will only make Mom's already low blood pressure drop more, and they don't want to do that. Increasing the narcotics won't affect the blood pressure in that same way. I'm really glad they're keeping such close tabs on this. The anesthesiologist is very pleased with how Mom is doing.

Our nurse for the morning, Cecelia, will be giving Mom some plasma to help her blood to thicken/clot. Mom was bleeding a little longer than normal, and the plasma should help with that. Later on they'll determine whether or not she should have a blood transfusion.

A Good Night

Mom had a good night. Her pain was under control, and at one point she even went several hours without using the pain pump. She's awake now and is remembering a few things and people from yesterday. She was a bit disoriented upon waking, asking if it was 6 a.m. or 6 p.m., but that's completely normal. Between 3 and 6 this morning, the nurses were in just doing their thing, changing the epidural med bag, the IV, etc, so our rest was a little disturbed. Otherwise, though, we both slept pretty soundly.

Dr. Chang, one of the operation docs, came in to tell us they're going to keep a close eye on Mom's bloodwork. In her terms, it was a little 'out of whack,' and they want to draw more labs to see what it's about. They had to infuse some vitamin K last night, and her hemoglobin is low. They'll just continue to watch this carefully and will take the necessary steps to adjust her needs.
Good news - her temperature did go down. Mom has been good about using the spirometer when she's awake. The next goal is to get her out of bed and in a chair. Dr. Skibber's orders are walk, walk, walk, get out of bed, bed, bed. Mom actually asked to walk around 6:30 this morning without being prompted to, but she changed her mind. She is definitely tired of being in the same position, so pretty soon I'm sure we'll attempt getting her out of bed.