Complicated

So I sometimes write about pink cupcakes, crazy drivers, and my petty little annoyances. That’s not what this is about.

Today I was having a conversation with a lady, and my heart broke. I was pretty angry at first, then upset, and now just broken.

She shared with me how hurt she was about her daughter’s situation. She had her daughter out of wedlock when she was still pretty young. She and the guy tried to work it out for years, but they ended their relationship when her daughter was still under 5. He ended up getting married and having a few other kids. She said she was actually impressed with how friendly, kind and gracious the new step-mother appeared to be with this little girl.

Then their new kids came, and things changed. At first it was somewhat subtle, but it’s gotten pretty bad. So bad that the dad only calls his first daughter a couple of times a year…maybe her birthday and maybe Christmas. Naturally, this little girl is more and more uncomfortable spending time with the dad and his new family because she feels like an outsider. They have family jokes, family this and that, and she doesn’t feel a part of it. More and more she feels like an outsider, and now she’s beginning to get resentful. This little girl cried and cried when she found out that her father and family had been in her area…many times and had not gone to see her or even called her. She’s involved in a lot of school activities and has never had her father attend any of those. This lady was pretty upset because she’d recently received a call from the father saying he wanted to pick up the little girl, but he never showed up, and he never called.

My heart breaks for this lady, and it breaks for this little girl. Is it wrong to expect more out of this dad? I don’t know. We have false expectations of people all the time, but for this moment I'd just like the permission to be upset on her behalf. I'd like permission to expect a little more out of the dad.

It breaks my heart that kids have to grow up without one of their parents in the home because of divorce. All of the trauma that can come with that is enough to drive a kid crazy. Then you add on to it step-parents and step-siblings and things immediately get more complicated. That's just how it is - complicated. What gets really complicated is when the kids see less and less of the one parent for whatever reason - distance, ...or whatever, the relationship gets strained. All of it can be sooooo very complicated.

What gets me about this situation is that this kid is expected to act like a mature adult. What I mean is that at some point in the past couple of years, her mom got a call from the dad asking her (the mom) to help because the daughter was becoming jealous of the father's other kids with step-mom. So then if the kid is expected to act like an adult, we can expect the father to act like one too, right? (Yes, this stuff upsets me.)

What really gets to me is how it is that a parent can forget his (or her. I'm using the masculine here only because it's easier, not as the stereotype) child. Can someone really do that - forget about his own child, his own flesh and blood? It sounds silly to say it that way, but I'm trying to imagine it. I'm not a parent, so I can't imagine how difficult some circumstances can be when faced with a tragic separation that involves children. But I really can't understand how a parent can forget his own. Maybe he doesn't forget, but it becomes so complicated that he tries to ignore.

I'm not saying I'm beyond it and that I would never do that. I only hope and pray to God that I wouldn't. I'm human, though, and so is this little girl's father. I'm not excusing anything that he is or isn't doing. I just don't know that there are quick fixes to these situations. Not one of us is perfect, and this only goes to show the consequences of sin. This is what sin does. It robs us of what could be. It destroys marriages, relationships, and families. Sin messes everything up.

When I was listening to this mother tell about her situation, I got mad at first. Mad at the father, mad at the step-parent, mad at the entire thing. (I know there are 2 or more sides to everything, and this is really none of my business.) Then I remembered that 'our struggle is not against flesh and blood...' My response should be love, not only towards this little girl and her mom, but also for the father (although I may not even encounter these people). Hating him isn't going to do anything but harbor bitterness (again towards a situation that has nothing to do with me). Love can mean different things. Love, in some circumstances, could mean we confront with the truth. Bitterness, though, is never love, and neither is resentment.

My heart hurts for this girl who may enter her teen and adolescent years without the presence of her earthly father around. All I can do from here is pray that this would cause her to look to her heavenly Father. All I can do is pray that she not grow bitter but that through the grace of God, she might love and forgive. All I can do is pray that she see the big picture and look beyond our human fallacies to see God's sovereignty guiding her life.