Mom was pretty tired most of the weekend. Usually she gets the most tired on Sunday and stays that way into Monday. By Tuesday her energy picks up, and by Wednesday she usually wants to go to her office. Well, she wants to go everyday, but I try to restrain her as much as I can...not an easy thing to do if you know her at all.
I've now been giving her daily injections...in her stomach...twice daily. A friend and I were talking about how brave cancer patients are. They have to go through all kinds of nonsense, and they just do it. I know, an injection is maybe not the biggest deal, but it is to me. My mom's arm veins are pretty much shot because of scarring from all the blood draws, IV's and whatever else. A shot in my stomach is the last thing I'd want, but she's such the trooper. Even if I hurt her while I'm poking her, she just pretends it's okay.
I must confess something. I used to take pride in eating well. When I say eating well, I mean I was pretty much a fanatic at one point. It wasn't just about eating salads. I went all organic from food to cleaning products and was going towards clothing (hadn't quite gotten there yet). And it wasn't just about organic, it was about...I can't even begin.
When you start reading about what's really healthy, you realize that the television commercials are all lying. You realize that it's all about money for the FDA, pharmaceutical industry, politicians, and food companies. They try to make us believe that fat is bad, cholesterol is bad, and butter is bad. They try to make us believe that homogenized & pasteurized dairy products are good, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is good and wheat bread is good. They also try to make us believe that their drugs are the only cures for diseases. Did you know that it's illegal to say that anything natural is a cure for a disease/sickness because it's not a drug? Do you know why? It's all about the money. Don't get me wrong. I believe there's a place in this world for doctors and drugs. Hello! I'm kinda in the middle of all that right now. Yes, I believe there's a place for them, BUT I don't and will never believe that they are the answer to diseases. I believe in nutrition, prevention and most of all JESUS.
But I digress. I wasn't even trying to go there tonight; I just tend to rabbit trail when I'm really passionate about something...or just because. I just rabbit trail (here I go again). I was going here - I was going to confess to you my terrible, awful, and getting-worse-by-the-day eating habits. Now, I do try to avoid salads and raw vegetables in front of my mom. She loves them but can't eat much of them until her ileostomy is reversed. How cruel would I be to tempt her with a plate full of veggies all the time?
That, however, doesn't mean I need to succumb to chips and sugar-laden juices. That's right - I'm eating chips, sugary juices, and I'm craving cupcakes. There was a time in my life when sugar, hydrogenated oils, and white flour did not fit my lifestyle. I would only consume them on a very rare basis and that was only because I live(d) with a man who will never give up brownies.
Since all this started, I've developed some really frustrating habits. I eat chips. It's not like I'm eating them just because they're around. No, I'm the one who choose to purchase them. I crave BBQ and Sour Cream & Onion Lays or something like that, and so instead of controlling the urge, I guiltily hand the money over to the clerk and try not to think about it beyond that exchange. Oh, but I can't have chips without something flavorful to drink along with them. You think I would at least try do drink the impurities away with water, but no, I can't do that. I HAVE TO drink cranberry juice or, on the rare occasion, a soda with those chips. Cranberry juice isn't that bad, though, right? lol. Nah, it's only doused with sugar and HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and all kinds of artificial gunk.
I've also been eating more fast food than ever in my entire life all put together. There again is the white flour, the disgusting hamburger patties, and yes, FRENCH FRIES. I can just see my arteries falling apart. I can see what it does to my body. I can FEEL what this stuff does to my body, and I DON'T LIKE IT.
But will I do anything about it? Well, I don't know. At this point in my life, I can only do certain things. The question I should ask myself is 'will I do what I can?' Hmmm...
Why do I tell you this? Maybe because I won't feel as guilty about it. Maybe because it's 11:59 PM, and this is how I get when it starts to get late. Maybe just because. Whatever the reason, I just thought you should know that I've been craving cupcakes with pink buttercream icing. I haven't caved yet, but I'm planning to tomorrow. So is that really caving if I'm planning to ahead of time?
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