I'm in the Lord's Army

Whoa! It's been a long time since I've posted anything, and that, my friends, was completely intentional.

I'll just get right to it.

The last year was one of the most difficult seasons of my life. Nathan & I had never planned on me working after we had babies, but it had to happen. After realizing how much we needed to catch up financially after he'd lost his job for a bit back in the day, we knew we had to do it. Funny how things work out. As we were beginning to plan some of this, I received a phone call from an old employer asking if by chance I was looking to work again. I was hesitant at first because of the demands of my position there before. I was reassured that much had changed and that part-time was actually what they were looking for at this time. It all worked out, and I clearly remember my first day leaving Xander...

...his daddy held him as I drove out of the garage, and I didn't even take the time to think about that moment because I knew I'd break down. I'd never ever been away from my baby boy for more than just a little while.

That's kinda how the year went. Nathan stayed with him in the mornings while I went to work, and we all adjusted. But it was hard. Very hard. I couldn't understand why certain things weren't working out the way we had planned and hoped and dreamed.

It was a very frustrating year...but I think even more so because I allowed it to be that way. It was a struggle. A big struggle. It was for a season, though, and for a reason.

One of the main things I realized God was (is) trying to teach me is that whole trust thing. It's very basic. Funny how when I was a teenager and at times things got pretty rough (ask me later), I didn't budge. It was easy to trust. As time has passed, that child-like faith they talk about has slowly wavered, and so I'm placed in this situations in which I can do absolutely NOTHING to 'fix it.' I'm a fix it, do it, get 'er done kind of gal, so when there is no way for me to do that, I go CRAZY. And that happened a lot this past year. Time and time again, it was like something nudging me about this whole trust issue. Thanks, God.

Through that God was also preparing us for the next step. And I just advise you to stop reading if you're anti-military.

Since before we got married, Nathan talked about joining the military. We talked and prayed about it every year afterwards, and well, it just wasn't ever the right timing. Again, if you're anti-military, stop reading now because you'll just say that it's never the right time for that. Anyway, a couple of years ago for the first time ever, neither of us had a reservation about it, but we didn't want to made a decision out of necessity as Nathan had lost his job for a little while. So we sat on that for a couple of years. And as we talked about it through the past year, Nathan realized that this was it. It was time. "If I don't do this now, I'll look back in 20 years and regret it." That was one of the lines he said to me that really showed Nathan's desire to do this.

What had held us back before? Why now? Why the army?

Those are all valid questions, but if you're really interested, just email me. We kept the process mostly quiet because of all of you asking all of those questions. Too many to answer, and honestly, we have peace about this decision. We believe in counsel, but we don't believe we need to answer to the entire world.

So Nathan left a little over a week ago. He'll be in Ft. Sill, Oklahoma for basic training until December. Then he'll continue another year of training in the same place. Funny how all of that worked out as well. We've been able to talk every day since he left, but after tonight, we won't hear from him again for several weeks (no phone but he'll be able to write). In fact, baby boy #2 will arrive without the presence of his daddy. That is the biggest bummer EVER...but it was something we knew was a possibility from the start of it all.

It's amazing how God makes us a certain way and prepares us in advance for the task set before us. It doesn't mean things aren't difficult; but His grace enables us.

I mainly took the year off from blogging because I didn't want to vocalize some of the blah-ness of what was happening within my heart. I do realize that this is what humanizes us, and I'm all about being and open book. There are just times when the sounds of silence are better for us. And I think that, for now at least, that season for me is changing.

I've missed this.

Funky Town

On one side of our family, we have lots of kids of all kinds and ages. On the other side, there are few and mainly boys...well the ones who are around. Recently one family member from the all boys side was saying to me,"Xander's great, but we're still waiting for our girl." This is said to me maybe every month or two, and by this time I'm just really annoyed with it. So rather than gracefully and tactfully shrug it off or respond with, "well, maybe next time," I snap back with, "Well, isn't that just how we all are - ungrateful and dissatisfied with what God gives us?" And I walked away.

And right away I had to point the finger right back at myself.

How often have I wanted more when I have everything I could need and then some? I notice that gratitude has been a recurring theme in my latest blogs. Hmmm. I always thoght I was a pretty grateful person, but it seems the older I get, the easier it is to complain. Not good.

I'll be honest people - it's easy to complain when I'm in Kansas. I just sent someone a text earlier that said "I hate Kansas." Why all this hate? There's good here. Really, there is. And if I really think about it, could it be that I am here for "such a time as this?" I'm not trying to be deep here but maybe just have a little more perspective and appreciation for the situation.

So...with that, thanks, Jesus, for a land of nothing (Kansas) that you can make something out of for us.

Ok, but are all country people this unsociable? Really?

Since You've Been Gone

You're visiting some people off and on during the summer. You've been away for a couple of weeks when upon your return, they say, "It was SOOOO nice not having anyone around."

Think I've worn out my welcome? That would be a yes.

It Washes White as Snow

So I was going to be posting more regularly...then SPLAT! My computer broke. I'm using my phone right now; it's just not the most ideal way to blog. It IS pretty handy, though, isn't it? Who would've thought 50 years ago that you'd be able to do this...get connected to what we call the WWW through a handheld device? Pretty stinkin cool, people. Hey, I'm working on being positive.

Can I just say how incredibly blessed I am to be married to my husband? Just when I was gonna have my weekly complaint venting session, out of nowhere he starts talking about how spoiled we are. "We" was in reference to Americans. We'd had a conversation with a friend who really wants to get married and have babies...but there's no prospect...and Nathan says it's because we've all become too spoiled...because she wants someone who has all his ducks in a row...and then some...someone who makes at least $75k/year, has a house already, paid-for cars, an established career, etc. Nathan says it's marrying for money; she says she's just no spring chicken. Well, there are many more issues we could go into with all that, but he reminded me yet again of how blessed we are.

I can complain about the government, politics, the FDA, Kansas, and this camper, but I've still got it made. I'm not out on the streets begging for bread. Nathan reminded me that in India thousands of people lay on the filthy streets, not having eaten for days. We've witnessed some of the worst poverty in life first-hand. People, children, babies living in some awful conditions.

Yet here I am complaining about laying on an old-school mattress because the crazy springs jab my hips, ribs, back all night long. Some people would give anything not to lay on concrete.

I complain about having lost sleep not only because Xman wants to nurse all night long, but this time because the loud rain on this tin and metal kept waking him...not to mention the wind that shool the thing all night long. Then there are people who don't get shelter from the rain. And there are people who would gladly nurse all night long if they could just have a baby.

I have my health. That's more than probably 6 out of 10 people.

I live a life of luxury compared to millions of people on this earth. So why am I complaining??

Dear Jesus, please forgive me for behaving like a spoiled, rotten child. Cultivating a grateful heart in my children starts with me. Let me not so easily forget how very, very blessed I am.

Dorothy Left

Being in a place that is not my favorite, aka Kansas, tends to bring out some rotten attitudes out of me. And for all you people more spiritual than me - yes, I know, I know attitudes are choices blah blah blah. Whatever. I cave to those attitudes way more here just because we're out in the country. Without people. And it's colder than Texas. And when it warms up finally, there's tornado warnings all the time and stormy weather. And when it's not raining, it's SOOOOOOO windy. And when all that calms down, it's just hot. I don't feel any in-between weather. It went from 50 and 60 degree weather to 80something just like that.

There's also no WFM. Ok so there's a place called Whole Foods. NOT the WFM we're thinking about.

And the farmer's market just sucks.

And I'm sure I could go on and on. Yes, I could.

But I'm choosing to name 2 good things for every complaint I have because really...my complaints are junk compared to what things could be like. I'm a very blessed person. Complaining is for spoiled people.

So being out in the country - 1) lots and lots of pretty foliage that my MIL spends her time taking care of; 2) nothing like this kind of fresh air

The weather - 1) the rain brings about the pretty flowers and that awesome garden; 2) wind...the wind helps when it's super hot.

Food - 1) no WFM, but there's Green Acres, and they have almost all the stuff I would get at WFM...just on a smaller scale; 2) Dillon's Marketplace has an amazing section of Organic Foods, and they even carry sprouted bread. Amazing. I'll even add 3) no big farmer's market, but the one they have has the exact kind of vendors I was looking for.

Now if only they could build a Costco...

It Ain't Me

So apparently I offended someone at my baby shower and just found out about it 9 months later. For real, y'all?? 1) It was sarcasm and dry humor; 2) why now?

Don't people know me? I just say stuff sometimes that I shouldn't, and I'm working on it. I understand why one of my former bosses actually forbade us from using sarcasm. But we're older now, guys. Let it roll off. But anyway, I'm trying.

But seriously, I was pregnant. That should count for something.

Sorry. Please forgive me.

And I'm watching Walk the Line. Joaquin can pull of this voice. Love it. Almost as much as Cash himself.

Things I Know

You know when you're a kid and your sibling gets away with something huge but you get away with nothing? And you ask "How come they can _______?" Then you get a lecture about several things, one being to basically mind your own business because you don't all the circumstances. I must remember that today - I don't know all of the circumstances behind certain people and certain things and whatever. I need to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. There's typically more going on than I'm aware of, and it would be to everyone's benefit if I just act with kindness and with grace. Period.

About That

You know, I used to be really OCD about stuff. About life. About cleanliness. About everything. Got married and calmed down. Then as life happened I learned to calm down more because I realized that I was stressing out the people around me. I'm sure that I still have OCD tendencies and probably always will, but I've really chilled out. It's a good thing. Lately I can't even be around OCD people. That's kind of a problem. See, they stress me out now because I feel like I have to measure up to their OCD standards or whatever. Although I try to say that they have a problem and need to chill out, I'm the one with the problem. Pride, insecurity. The problem is with my insecurity. If I was really comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn't care about trying to measure up to anyone's standards. I thought I was over all that. Comes back to bite me. But I've also realized that as I focus more on doing what I'm supposed to be doing - loving and serving my family and friends - that dies down. Hmmm...

Simplicity

You know, we tend to make life pretty complicated. That and then it can kinda get complicated on us with all kinds of drama. A friend said this the other day.

"Hope, faith and love. If I do nothing else but love deeply and selflessly, it would be a life well lived."

Really, it's that simple. I think Jesus people have complicated spirituality way too much with big words, conventions, and theories. There's always some new movement or theory when really there is 'nothing new under the sun.' There's talk of leadership, vision, passion, and all those other words that are fine in and of themselves. But really all of those things are just fluff. And we use all those kinds of ideas to sometimes make us feel like we're going somewhere, doing something. We have this NEED to be significant. There's nothing wrong with that.

But what about the simplicity of living a simple life? Yes, doing things extraordinarily because of Jesus. But doing them out of love for Him and love for people. THAT makes life significant and extraordinary. Not fancy theories. The fluffies are sometimes necessary because those make the world go round. They bring the drama that causes us to HAVE TO love people in spite of them and us. But really, let's just leave it at that - to love deeply and selflessly.

I Keep AAA in Business

Let's say you locked your keys in your car...with your child in in it. Which of the following would you prefer in that situation?
A)A friend who panicked
B)This friend would analyze the situation very carefully. Great. But in all of the analyzing did nothing. Friend B would want to tell you how great of a mistake it was and how not to do it in the future and how to do this and that and the other. Great. But the problem is still a problem. It hasn't solved anything.
C)This friend would say "I'm praying for you." Friend C would pray. He really would. Then he would preach a sermon about mistakes. He wouldn't ever say "You shouldn't ____," but in fact would be preaching to you. He would call in encouragement. Hmmm...still the problem remains - baby and keys are in car.
D)Friend D runs inside, asks her husband "What should we do? Keys are in car with the baby? Call AAA?" And within seconds is on the phone with AAA. Never scolds. Then insists on waiting out in the cold with you while AAA is on their way. And spends the time chatting it up so that you don't panic.

Well, thank the Lord in heaven above that I have Friend D. I did it. I locked my keys in the car...with a sleeping Xman in it. It actually happened about 3 or 4 weeks ago, but I just forgot about it. I am the reason we pay $51 annually for AAA. I'm notorious for locking keys in cars just because. Well, at that point I hadn't yet renewed our membership so thank goodness my friend had. I was leaving her house, had put Xander in the back and threw the keys into the front seat in a car that doesn't have auto locks. I almost panicked, but I was thankful for several things:
1)My lovely friend who had just renewed her AAA membership.
2)My lovely friend who stayed with me the entire time, though she had dinner to make for 3 hungry kiddos and never complained about any of it. Nor did she make fun of me at that moment. Nor did she scold me.
2)My Xander was already asleep when I put him in there. It wouldn't have been fun had I put him in there half awake. He eventually would've gotten desperate because of the still car and prolly would've cried hard. Thank you, Jesus, that didn't have to happen. I think that would've really stressed me out.
3)It wasn't summertime. We really would've just had to break a window had it been spring or summer.
4)Speedy AAA people who understood there was a baby in the car and were there speedily.

I shared the hypothetical situation because...well, because I'm just venting frustration about some recent situations that have nothing to do with keys being locked in cars.

In all things, we are to respond in love. Now that means different things in different circumstances and with different people. When I locked my keys in my car, I knew what I had done. The minute I shut the back door, I knew. Sitting out there, praying to God that Xander would continue to sleep was enough for me. It was like punishment...not that I needed 'punishment,' but you get what I'm saying. Sometimes the consequences don't need further consequences. A lecture would have done nothing for me. Someone analyzing the situation wouldn't have helped either. What I needed at that moment was action, and that's what my lovely friend did.

When someone is in trouble, a lecture, analysis, prayer majavascript:void(0)y all be helpful. They may all be necessary, BUT everything must be timely. There IS, my friends, a time for everything. When someone messes up, we should be the last to point fingers...to throw stones. At that point most people usually know where they've messed up, and what they need is understanding. They need to know they're not alone. And they need to know that you'll be there no matter what. They need to know it's going to be okay. There will be time for the other stuff later. They just need a little love.

Oh, and I learned something too. So on the back of my Texas DL, there's this number that you're supposed to be able to call if you're out on the road and need help. Well, that basically only works if you're out on a major highway. Glad I never depended on that.

"The higher I go, the crookeder it becomes"

Something I've been thinking about for a long time...

Some time ago as I rode along with a friend, she mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going to allow her kids to play with this other group of kids anymore. I wasn't really in the mood to talk about it because I think I could tell where it was going, but I went ahead and asked why...I mean, these kids were in fact her good friend's kids.

The response - well, those kids are allowed to participate in martial arts, and this other lady, herself, wasn't maybe the most 'spiritually mature.'Oh, and the most important part - she didn't want her kids damaged or tainted by associating with those kinds of children. (Susy rolls eyes.)

So I ask the obvious before she continued, "Wait. What's wrong with martial arts?" And I opened up the can.

Apparently there are churches and religious groups now openly preaching against it because it's a form of violence. According to them, it doesn't promote brotherly love...that when we're supposed to be loving our neighbor, in turn we're walking around thinking, "I can take him. I can take him down...etc." Oh, and martial arts has an Asian spiritual undertone, and Christians should NOT have anything to do with that. LOL

I didn't know where to begin with that because I was so annoyed with it.

Okay, so about the martial arts thing - it's evil, and so we shouldn't participate in it? Wow. This sounds more like someone has a personal problem, and whoever it is needs to deal with it.

Yes, there are forms of martial arts that have spiritual undertones. So that now means we shouldn't participate in it? What about Halloween, which Christian people say is pagan and rooted in evil? Most churches don't condone it. In fact they preach against it, yet offer 'alternative' events and/or activities. So why not with the martial arts or anything else? It's a total contradiction, and I'd love to write more about my opinion, but I really don't feel like taking the time to do it right now.

Moving on.

Okay so about her friend not being 'spiritually mature.' What does that mean anyway? How is she judging that maturity? Will she now ignore anyone who doesn't meet her standards? Give me a break.

So a comment she made was that she wanted to protect her children from being 'contaminated' by these other kids...because they're in martial arts and who knows what else. Our children are given to us by God to raise, and that is one of the greatest responsibilities we will ever have. Part of being a parent is protecting our children, right? Sure. But I believe there's only so much of that we can do. We can stress ourselves out by trying to protect them from all the evils in this world, and we will never succeed. We can only do so much, and the rest is up to the One who gave them to us.

Sure, there are hoodlums I wouldn't want my kids hanging around on their turf. HOWEVER, what happened to raising kids so that THEY are the influence on their peers? We can never raise perfect kids who will have perfect friends who will do perfect things. But what about doing our best possible to train them in the right way so that they know the difference between good/bad, right/wrong so that they can be the ones who speak up and make a difference in the lives of the people around them? What about that?

I understand wanting to be separate from the 'world,' but I don't think it has anything to do with disassociating ourselves with people. I think it has to do with actions, separating ourselves from certain actions.

I'm sure that there are kids I wouldn't want my kids to hang out with in their environments, but hopefully I can provide a place where any and everybody can come. Not just that but a place where people want to be because we welcome with open arms no matter what. We love.

I only HOPE to be that way. I can't say for certain that I will be and that I'll do what I say and how I imagine it. Things never turn out that way. But again, it comes down to how we love people.

There's so much more I could say and write about this, but I'm actually trying to to watch 24 and maybe cook something at the same time so I'm pretty much distracted. I will leave with something a friend wrote that goes so perfectly with my thoughts. She was visiting some dear friends and realized why she missed them so:

"These people loved me when I was slightly unlovable. We were a little rough around the edges when we first met them, and some conservative families would have pushed us away, for fear of 'contaminating' their children. These folks pulled us in and helped smooth us out, confident that the love of Jesus would far outweigh any negative effects we might have on their kids. And it did. We didn't have much in common, and we still don't! It's a diverse group of people, all loving each other right through their hang ups."

Can't we just do that?

Chill Pills

If there's anything I don't like it's wasted opportunities. I've always wanted to be sure that I learned everything I could from each and every situation. Some of that is the over-analytical part of me. This year more than ever I've consciously lived with that notion in my head - learn from this. Let me just say that the pressure is too much. Hmmm. We'll always gain from situations and circumstances, but the pressure I can often put on myself is ridiculous.

I have recently learned a few things...

In the past I was known as the crazy, OCD type A. I was a multi-tasking workaholic who thrived on stress. Bring it on. Looking back I think I felt I had something to prove. People to please. (Insecurity.) I was impatient and expected perfection out of everyone including myself. I had to prove that I could do it all and do it all well. A very close friend once confronted me with, "Who are you trying to prove it to and why?"

Recently I realized that situations which normally would've driven me wild and crazy aren't a big deal anymore. I still freak out with stuff but not the way I used to because...well, because there are more important things in life to drive us crazy. I'm still time-conscious, but I won't be a jerk to you for a week just for getting here 3 minutes too late. I'll only be a jerk to you for a minute or two. :) I'll get over it.

I also don't expect perfection out of you or me. What is perfection anyway and who can achieve it? None of us. It's been done and can't be repeated. For the most part, I've dropped most expectations from both of us, and it's been incredibly freeing. Who are we to unrealistically expect so much out of each other? We end up disappointed, disillusioned and usually hurt.

The solution: Love. Love is all. All is love (I would've made a great hippie). No, but really, we would all be much happier if we lived that concept - love all. No restrictions, no reservations, no requirements.

I have a long way to go. I know that; but it's nice to look back and see that somewhere along the way someone gave me a pill that worked.

So the thing is...

...moving, new beginnings and life itself all just have a bunch of drama. I haven't blogged because of that...because I've been trying to make sense of it all and haven't been able to put it into words.

Back in September our family was faced with some heavy-duty drama that caused things to sorta stop for a bit. One of our family members was harmed, and the entire family was forced into a very difficult situation. We had to learn to forgive when we were deeply wounded. We had to learn what it meant to really forgive someone when it wasn't deserved. Yet, who are we to say who does or doesn't deserve forgiveness? And who are we to withhold forgiveness? I, we, have all been forgiven a great deal, and I believe God allows circumstances like these to force us to deal with ourselves. Where are we? Do we love as He does?

Honestly, I don't think I was personally dealing with the issue very well. At first, it was easy to respond with forgiveness because that's what I've been trained to do. My mind and my heart were automatically there. Then reality set it a bit more and so did time...and my heart began to harden. I began reacting instead of responding, and I wasn't the typical Susy. In a way, I think I was upset with God for allowing weird things to happen at the most inopportune times. However, I also knew deep in my heart that though it didn't seem like it at the time, He could and would bring something truly great out of trash. My growing process seems a bit slow right now, but He's patient. And I know He'll use this for good. He's causing all of us to grow from it. If it's just for me to learn a bit more how to love, then it's worth it. That's what He desires - to refine us.

So that was an attempt to explain three very long months.

On a lighter note, we've received more snow here than I've seen in my life. It started two or three weeks ago with some ice and then a couple of inches of snow. Nathan amused me and helped me with my first real snowman. Then last week, or earlier this week (my schedule is so messed up these days) we had a day of "blizzard-like conditions" for an entire afternoon which produced 8-10 inches of snow (they're still uncertain) and snow drifts up to 3 feet. I was working during the crazy snow storm and watched people attempt driving. At different times you couldn't see across the street and visibility was less than 1/8 of a mile. Why were people driving in it? I have no clue, but it was also incredibly cold, so cold that people's wipers were freezing. It didn't help that they could hardly see to begin with...I'd never seen anything like it. Thank goodness for my amazing husband who came to the rescue and picked me up from work. I've been driving the little piece of Kia, and it just wouldn't have been able to get through because the snow was so deep. Because Nathan loves adventure and actually enjoys driving in this mess, we went to dinner and a movie instead of straight home (where the sane people were). I was just mesmerized by how much snow there was EVERYWHERE. I've seen snow here and there, but never sooo much snow all over the place. Oh...well except when we went to Montana on our honeymoon. Anyway, I'll try to post pictures soon.

Yesterday we had some snow that didn't stick, but it was all okay because we still have plenty of it from the crazy blizzard-like day. Then last night we got another 5 inches. Okay, so I've been all gung-ho about snow because I come from Lake Jackson, Texas, the place that gets snow once every 15 years...and never like this. The part I really don't like about this is having to drive in it. Ugh. My amazing husband came to the rescue once again and followed me to work this morning. He really wants me to get adjusted to it and get comfortable enough to drive in it. Well, it's not so bad. It's just bad when there's people around. Other cars really stress me out, and I just pray, "Oh, Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus..." He hears that.

Pics soon to come.

Peace on Earth

So as I was reading my Biblia the other day, I came upon a verse that caught my attention like never before. Psalm 34:14 says, “Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.”

I've read this Psalm at least several dozen times, but never before has the second part of it hit me the way it did recently - seek peace and pursue it.

I then did a little more research and found a few other verses that speak of seeking after or pursuing peace:

Romans 14:19 – Therefore, let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.
Romans 12:18 – If it is possible, as much as depends on you(emphasis mine), live peaceably with all men.
Hebrews 12:14 – Pursue peace with all people and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord.
2 Tim. 2:22 – Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart

Because God has called us to pursue peace, I’m not only to desire peace with my fellow brother, but I am to seek it, pursue it, and do whatever is in my power to live at peace with all men.

Pursuing peace with all people – not sitting idly on a situation, but chasing reconciliation with all men (especially those with whom I have offense).

In the past if I had any ‘issues’ with people, a lot of the times I would just try to ignore the problem, hoping it would just go away. It never really worked, though. Even if it was years later, God always had a way of unfolding the situation and reminding me of Matthew 5:23-24 – “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”

Simple right? For most people this may not be a challenge, but to Susy it used to be pretty difficult. Why? Well, simply put I can be very selfish and proud – the stems of most evil.

When I’ve been hurt in the past, it has often taken me a while to get over it. My pride allowed bitterness to creep in and steal the peace between myself and the other party. In some cases the other person wasn’t even aware that they had offended me. Then if I encountered that person, oh, I would just have this way of making things seem totally uncomfortable. Ever been on the receiving end of that? Or worse, have you been a Susy? It’s a terrible way to manipulate people and situations, and I’m certainly not proud that I have ever done this. I’m not saying that the hurts were imagined or that the offenses weren’t valid. Feelings, though fickle, are valid because they are ours. My feelings were valid, but I failed to confront situations the right way.

The better way -

do whatever is in your power to pursue peace by communicating the offense, choosing to forgive whether or not an apology is given, and giving way not to bitterness and resentment (which only hold us captive) but to love and peace.

silly people=silly comments, round 2

so my husband can be a pretty funny guy. he's also very simple. it's a nice little balance that it brings to my life. the problem with the simplicity comes when we're ordering coffee at one of our now rare visits to starbucks (the high priced addiction problem is for another blog). my drink usually consists of something nonfat with an extra shot of this and pump of that. really, it's no big deal to me, BUT nathan refuses to order for me if i get (in his terms) complicated. so in fun the other day, he posts this picture comment on my myspace page.



i cracked up because i know how much i actually amuse him. so i was glad to see him amused rather than annoyed by my ordering habits. well, then i get an email from a subject we'll call felix. felix writes me, "...you really should watch the stuff you put on your page. people may think you actually drink and even have problems with pills and things. it could really ruin your reputation...i don't know that i can associate myself with you if you're going be putting up comments like this..."

yes, silly people equals silly comments. if felix actually had any clue about who i am, who my husband is and what we're about, he wouldn't have reason to make this comment. felix has no clue what that was about. now, i do agree that we should watch what we do and say and write because we affect people. our decisions affect those around us. the thing is that felix is so concerned about others' opinions and feels condemned about who knows what, that felix has the need to interfere with things of which he's completely uninformed.

my issue with it was this: let's say i'm actually an alcoholic, and let's say i have pill-popping problems - would felix have cared about that at all? would felix try to come to my rescue? i don't know. felix is too concerned with not getting dirty, that he forgets what he's called to do - love. if i had pill and alcohol problems, that's what i would need more than anything.

we get so caught up in looking 'pure' and clean and perfect that we forget that when Jesus came, He hung out with the people who weren't looking the best. in fact, He hung out with the messed up people.

there was this prostitute woman that was about to be stoned to death. Jesus rescued her. yes, He rescued the dirty, filthy, sinning woman.

we're put on this earth to love and rescue people. we're to pursue each other when we can and love each other like crazy, like there's no tomorrow.

i've been a self-righteous hypocrite before. i've looked at people in their wretchedness and thought i was so much better just because, "...at least i'm not doing what they're doing...at least i'm better off..." that's the selfish attitude that Jesus spurned.

i hope that i can soon love enough to quit the ridiculous judgments that hold me captive to hellish thinking. i hope that i can love you like crazy.

one look at you

I guess the reason I wrote my last blog is that lately I've just become more sensitive to people and their pain. I was watching the news the other day, and I nearly broke down when I heard just a brief 30 second spot on teenage suicide. It just so grieves me to think that people, teenagers, kids can get to a place of hopelessness. If we've lost hope, we've lost it all. Without hope, there's nothing.

I've had some pretty low points in my life. I might have even repeated Job's words to God, "May the day perish on which I was born…Why did I not die at birth? Why did I not perish when I came from the womb?...Why is light given to him who is in misery and life to the bitter of soul who long for death…Your hands have made me and fashioned me…yet you would destroy me…why then have you brought me out of the womb?"

Yes, I've said these words before, BUT never during those times did I think of taking my own life. I have something that others don't have – I've always had hope. At times I may not have had much, but I had some nonetheless. I can't imagine not knowing that there will be light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. There are people without a hint of hope, and that breaks my heart. I may not be able to hug all the hurting people of this world, but I know I can at least touch one. You should try that today – be a lover of people – they are what truly matters.

church, inc...and ignore my grammar (lack thereof)

Some time back I was having a conversation with some people, let’s call them Jack and Jill. Jack was talking to me about church and having rules in the church for order. Now, if you know me, you know how conversations about ‘church order’ can be music to my ears. This conversation, however, was going in a different direction.

Jack started talking about how people should dress at church. At first, I thought he was going to talk about women’s modesty, but he didn’t go there. Instead, Jack was complaining about how ‘casual’ my generation is in how we dress to go to church. He understood that there are seeker-friendly churches for the ‘newbies,’ and he understood people wearing street clothes to church when they first come. Jack went on to say that people should then begin to dress more appropriately. I asked Jack what he meant by ‘more appropriate.’ He meant wearing slacks, suits, dresses, and skirts. Jack said that it shouldn’t be normal for us to wear jeans to church, especially jeans with holes in them. He said, “…and when you go to someone’s house, you obey their rules. If you come to my house, you obey my rules. So if you go to such and such church, you obey their rules. It’s their house…Besides, people should always wear their best when going to God’s house…”

I understand what Jack was saying. I understand that Jack and I were raised differently so therefore we have different world views and opinions. I agree – when I go to someone’s house, I should follow their rules. So what are my issues? Well, first of all, a church isn’t anyone’s house except God’s. Period. Dot. Secondly, a church building is just that – a building. There’s this thing about me being the temple of the Holy Spirit. I think what that means is that I have the Holy Spirit within me and with me all the time. So if I want to pray, does that mean that I have to put on my ‘best clothes’ and then change into whatever I want to wear the remainder of the day? What I if in the middle of my work day I want to ask God for help as I begin a new project? Does that mean I have to change really quickly into my ‘Sunday best’ then change back to my other clothes 60 seconds later? I mean, if I have to wear my ‘Sunday best’ for God on Sundays, what about other days? If I don’t wear my best for Him on other days, then am I not paying enough homage?

Here’s the deal – my best is what I bring to Him every single day. Whether I’m wearing ‘holy’ jeans (no pun intended) or a suit & tie, I don’t know that it really is a big deal to God. (I’m not going to get into modesty here because that’s another blog.) I really don’t think so. I understand that different churches have different…cultures (for lack of better term). What is culturally accepted in a small-town church in the middle of Kansas may be totally different than what is culturally accepted in a church in downtown…L.A. Now, we shouldn’t culturalize the Gospel, but this isn’t gospel we’re talking about here. I’m not advocating going to church wearing something that will totally distract the service.

I guess what I’m getting to is this – love people. It doesn’t matter if I wear jeans to church or the best suit & tie. The church isn’t supposed to be a fashion show. The church is for fellowship and corporate worship. The focus should be God and people, not ties and jackets.

silent no more

vanity, all is vanity. no, i haven't just finished reading ecclesiastes; this is just how it is. i guess i'm just growing more and more tired of this world and what it offers. we get so busy chasing after the things of it, but it's all so meaningless. none of it is worth anything. careers, money, fame, stuff - it's all going to burn one day. when we die, it's really not going to matter that we achieved status quo according to the world's standards. it's not going to matter that i wore really cool clothes today and got a really great haircut and impressed people. nope, it's really not going to matter. my knowledge of the things of this world and any great accomplishments i may think i have will have no meaning. that's all i hear people talk about lately - the temporary. we aren't going to live this life forever. life is but a breath. it's fleeting, so why do we spend so much time on the temporary and insignificant?

accomplishments, clothes, fitness, etc. all have their place. it's all a part of life. it's the obsession and pursuit of these things that is just a waste. it's a waste of time and not just our time, but more importantly - God's time. it's the time He has given us. HIS time. we're given the time to steward. He's graciously given us life and time on earth for HIS purposes. He's also gracious and kind enough to allow us to enjoy it. He creates us for a time and season to accomplish HIS purposes. what's ironic (not really) is that God created us so that we're truly and completely fulfilled accomplishing what HE's called us to do. the reason we go after so much 'stuff' is that we're still looking to fill that void with the 'stuff' that can't fill it.

unfortunately, we quickly lose sight of what really matters and allow our hearts to fall in love with what this world offers. we have become too distracted, and i'm tired of seeing it all around me.

The Solid Rock

Do you ever ask, "Why me?"? I don't know that I ever really asked God about that out loud until recently. You know, it's easy to say 'yes' to Him sometimes, but then we hit some rough seas. The winds and waves come, and we're tossing and turning, wondering what in the world is going on. This seems to happen most often when we're going about our own business serving Jesus, doing the things we know to be doing. We have our days, but then - CHAOS.

Recently it was like I had this conversation with God about it. See, I was going about my merry way when BAM, BAM, BAM from every direction. It was so draining, so complicated, so beyond what I could fix that I literally just wanted to sleep for peace or just sit and stare off into space.

So this conversation went something like this...

Me: Um...could you do something about this? I'm done with.
God: Just follow me.
Me: I've been doing that, and THIS is what I get? I didn't realize that saying 'yes' to you meant THIS. Can't you just fix it, turn it around?
God: Follow me. Take up your cross and follow me.
Me: But I'm seriously tired. I'm worn out. I can't do it.
God: Come to me when you are weary and tired. I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light. .
Me: But you won’t change the situation?
God: Let me work on YOU and change YOU. I’ll take care of the rest in my timing, but for now, follow me. No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later, you will see how it has produced righteousness and peace in your life.
Me: But what did I do to deserve this?
God: You said ‘yes.’ I don’t waste anything. I will use it ALL. I love you, so will you trust me and surrender to my love?

And that’s kinda where I left it. THIS is love? I’d hate to know what God’s anger is then.

This happened all in the middle of a night during which I woke up and couldn’t sleep. I woke up singing “On Christ the solid Rock I Stand” over and over. I can say that and mean it because when situations and circumstances in my life have been shaky, when the word around me was falling in apart – He was my Rock. He was all I had, and He was ALL there. When I called on Him, He was there. Never was there a moment in which He left me. During the most lonely times (and boy, were they ever lonely), HE was faithful.

So now I’m in an unknown place – a placed I never imagined. I mean, c’mon, has He seen my resume – what I’ve done, what I can do? I’ve come to see that none of that matters. And I honestly have no idea why me. I mean, ‘onward Christian soldier’ – I’m a doer, I’m a go-getter, I’m not one to be held back…especially because of other people. No, they can stay behind.

…but His will is that I follow Him. Today that means I allow Him to change me. Today that means I submit to His ways and leave mine behind. Today that just means that on Him I stand.

So instead of asking "why me?" I'll say, "Thank you that it's me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for not leaving me as I am but for loving me enough to change me."

And I sing the song by Edward Mote:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ the solid Rock, I stand -
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In ev'ry high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ the solid Rock, I stand -
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Rules, Rules, Rules

I've said it before, I'm a rules girl. I like rules because they set the boundaries for me. They set the expectations. You tell me what the rules are, and I know what's expected of me and how to perform. Without them, I can get a little lost and frustrated because I don't know if I'm performing up to your expectations.

Of course, this was great for my mom when I was growing up because I was a pretty good kid for the most part. The problem came in when I accepted and loved people for how they’ve followed the rules and met the standards and expectations I placed on them. If I followed the rules and they hadn’t, I was better, and I treated them like I was better. Sad? Yes. Did that pride ever cause me to fall? All too hard.

Lately it seems God is forcing me to face my demons one way or another. The past month for me has been one stressful month in trying to find my way through some issues. There’s now way God was going to allow me to ignore them this time, so He, in His faithfulness as a loving Father, has allowed different situations to overwhelm me so that I come to the end of myself.

Last week I really needed to hear from Him. It didn’t matter what, but I needed to just know…know that He would in fact speak to me.

…and that He did.

I opened my Bible early one morning and immediately closed it. I then spoke to Him out loud, “Take me where you need to…I NEED to hear you.” I was prompted then to divert from my scheduled reading from the gospels to Galatians.

Boy, was I freed up!

I spent over an hour reading it and then re-reading some key verses over and over. I’ve never read and understood Galatians the way I did that morning.

Quick overview – Paul is writing to the churches in Galatia about grace. Basically they had gone from the gospel of grace that he preached to them back to the ‘other gospel’ of law. They were becoming slaves again to ritualism when Christ had set them free and were now under grace rather than the law.

This is what the Lord was speaking to me about – being free under His grace rather than a slave to law, to rules. I’m not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Christ. As Galatians says, if my righteousness comes through the law, through works, then Jesus died in vain.

I had ‘fallen from grace’ and was attempting to be justified by the law.

“Stand fast therefore in the liberty for which Christ has set us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage,” says Galatians 5:1. I always thought this verse was talking about freedom from sin. Although that’s true in a sense, this is talking about being free from the bondage of living under the law.

I realized last week that I had again been living in bondage of the law. I had been attempting to be ‘justified’ by works and performance rather than by the grace of God. At the same time, I had been accepting and loving others by that same standard. It’s no wonder then that I’d felt so frustrated and trapped. I couldn’t measure up to the standard nor could anyone else. I was a slave.

So where is freedom and how do I attain it? Well, Jesus attained it for me. All I have to do is walk in it. I can walk in freedom from the law by walking in the spirit. Paul said that the law is fulfilled in this – loving my neighbor. Love is the fulfillment of the law, and I can be free to love people regardless of what they do or how they do (performance) because we’re no longer under bondage of fulfilling useless requirements.

The fruit of walking in freedom, walking in the spirit, is love, joy, peace patience, etc. Now I’m free to love people for who they are rather than by what they do, and I’m free to receive unconditional love.

What a relief this has been to me! What freedom I’ve received! I can be free to be me, and you can be free to be you.

Now you know why I’ve been absent for a while. I’ve just been ‘stuck’ (for lack of better word) reading Galatians over and over, gaining new understanding of God’s grace towards us.

It’s crazy too because I’ve read Galatians I’m sure hundreds (??) of times and knew it but never really KNEW it.

So thank God that His Word is truly living and active. It has the power and life to convict us specifically when and where we need it.

I challenge YOU to live daily in the grace and freedom Christ has provided us.