Update 4.7.08

Our visits with the doctors today were very...interesting...??

Mom first had an appointment with a skin doctor. She developed several (about 5) spots on her body in mid-February. The radiation people couldn't figure out what it was. They thought it had something to do with the chemo. The chemo people thought it was some kind of fungal or bacterial thing like ringworm. During one of our trips to the emergency center, one doctor thought it was ringworm and another didn't have a clue. So they decided my mom should see the skin doctor just in case...just in case what? They were basically checking for skin cancer. Well, she is free and clear of that. The thing about 'rashes' is that there can be like a gazillion forms of them, and so the doctor was honest and told us it wasn't anything to worry about and to put such and such cream on it.

The surgeon - it seemed there was some sort of misunderstanding. See, the surgeon came in and immediately started telling us that Mom can't go into surgery in her condition, that she needed to be on her own, and he was very insistant about these things, the bottom line being that she doesn't have enough protein to heal afterwards. She would be at extreme post-operative risk for infection and all kinds of problems. We knew all of that. I was actually quite concerned that he would be soooo concerned. I mean, I thought Mom was on her way to getting stronger, etc. According to the other doctor, she was headed in the right direction. Well, then the doctor says something like, "...so, we can't go into surgery this Thursday or next Thursday, whichever one it was..." I guess at some point they had scheduled Mom to have surgery, but we had never been told about the date. See, when she was admitted to the hospital both times, her doctor kept the surgeon abreast of everything that was taking place. The surgeon was well aware of Mom's condition; they had just forgotten to remove the surgery date from her schedule. So the surgeon came in thinking that we were thinking she'd go into surgery this week or next. We weren't thinking that at all. In fact, we knew that it would still be several more weeks. All that to say that we were relieved to know that the surgeon's major concern was trying to go into surgery now. We definitely know that's not possible.

He did say this - mom needs to eat. In order for her to be surgery ready, she needs to be eating on her own and eating WELL. That doesn't mean eating good-for-you food. It means she needs to gain weight and be at a place where she's not being sustained nutritionally by the TPN. Yes, she must start slowly, but she must start now. She still has to do the soft diet thing for now, but she has to just do it. He wants her eating all day long rather than meals.

So this is how I ask that you pray:
Pain - Yes, I've said the pain is pretty much under control. What's painful for Mom now is 'passing' the food (having a BM). She can feel the food going through her intestines, and that's the painful part. So pray that they (he intestines) would heal completely, and that she wouldn't be fearful of eating because of the pain that she'll have later.
TPN - We need to wean her off of this. It'll be a slow process, but it must be done. In the meantime, we don't want her to have any kind of infection from the TPN. That's one of the main concerns when it comes to the TPN - infection. Our bodies were not meant to be fed this way, and the doctors don't like to keep patients on these longer than they have to because of the somewhat high risk of infection.

I think that's it for now. Oh, good news - Mom gained one whole pound since they weighed her at the hospital last Wednesday. Considering she had not eaten hardly anything at all since that time, it's great news. We want this to continue!

I like pictures, so I'll try to do better with posting more. I just don't feel right about taking pictures when Mom's not feeling well. I mean who wants a camera in their face when feeling awful? I have, however, been able to take a few here and there. Hope you're enjoying them.

This is Mom showing off her new haircut, color, and how she sports around her food (the nightly TPN).


This is the medical supplies we use to connect the TPN and change her dressing.

More Pics

This is Mom on March 14 after being hospitalized for a week. You can't tell in this picture, but from the waist down she was so swollen that she was larger than me.



This is Friday, March 21 during her 2nd hospitalization. My brother was taking Mom for a daily walk.


This is Mom with Tia Janet on March 24 just before being released (2nd hospital stay).


Mom with one of our favorite nurses, Moly (yes, only one 'L').


Tio Phillip giving my mom a pedicure.

Finally - Pics

Here are a few pictures that I've been meaning to post...

This is Mom on her last day of radiation (March 5) with 2 of the radiation specialists. The bell that you can hardly see is the one she got to ring to celebrate the completion. I didn't capture that moment, but at least I got this one.


This was this first time my mom got to see Tia Estrella after her stroke. The reunion.


Last day of treatment...what a journey...

Update 4.6.08

So most of the time no news is good news. That's basically what it's been this past week...for the most part.

Mom's appointment with the doctor last Wednesday went pretty well. He said that her nutrition levels are going up, and her blood work was progressively looking better and better. He was very happy with what he was seeing. Awesome! He also said Mom could SLOWLY begin trying soft foods. She would be the only judge of what would or wouldn't work. Unfortunately, I think we were a bit aggressive with the soft foods, and we took a step back on Thursday. Because of that she didn't want to try anything Friday. Saturday (yesterday) she was completely out of energy all day long. She has been much better today. Her energy picked up, and we can tell that she definitely feels better than she did yesterday.

Mom's pain is at a minimum now ...that is until she eats. When she eats it still doesn't hurt the way it used to. Her stomach, we believe, is digesting things well because now she just hurts when she has to 'pass' the food...in other words have a BM. That is still terribly painful, and it's not the kind of pain that her pain meds will help. So, of course, this keeps her from eating. She's still receiving the TPN during the night, so we don't have to worry about her nutrition. The challenge is that she is hungry. For the first time since November or so, Mom has actually gotten her appetite back (which was actually one of our prayer requests). Well, maybe that's not what she needed so much. Sometimes it's so hard with this stuff from a day to day basis. So...she has her appetite and wants so badly to eat. At night when we lay down to sleep, her stomach will growl and growl from hunger. It's really hard when we're sitting down to eat...I hate putting food in my mouth knowing that she can't. Ugh. I wanted to go on a liquid diet with her, but for ceartain health reasons, I cannot do so at the time. I don't know if we should pray now for her appetite to leave until after her surgery...what to do...

Tomorrow we meet with the surgeon, who should be able to give us more of an idea on a date for the surgery. I don't think he'll give us an actual date. I think he has to wait for her intestines to completely heal and for her to gain weight. That could be a while. He may not, however, so I'm definitely looking forward to what he has to say.

I leave for Kansas on Wednesday and will return on Sunday or Monday. I'm mainly going to see Nathan and then to get a few of my things...if you haven't heard yet, he and I have decided to make the move. Yep, we are moving down to the Houston area. We don't know exactly where to yet, but it'll be somewhere close to Mom. I definitely couldn't be much help to her 987 thousand miles away from her, so we've decided that this is the best place for us at least for now. Kansas has been good, but I'm super excited about being close to this side of the family again. So I'll be picking up a few things this coming week. As for the rest of the move...we have no clue yet when all of that will happen, but all in its time.

Before I go, I just want to say how incredibly grateful I am. You know, things aren't easy. Life itself isn't easy, and going through this with Mom has been the hardest thing in my life as of yet. There are days that seem gloomy, dark, and downright depressing. Why depressing? To be honest, I just wonder. I wonder why. I wonder why in the world God would allow this. I know that He's so well capable of just making it all stop, much more just ease some of the 'stuff' that has come along with the complications. To be even more honest, I do my best to stay positive, but sometimes I don't do the best. Sometimes I'm pretty bad at it. Sometimes I'm really weak. So with all that said, I just want to say again that I'm grateful because in spite of the apparent 'darkness' that may be around us, there is light. There are blessings all around us, and I don't want to miss out on what I can learn in each and every situation.

I'm grateful for a husband who so selflessly is willing to pack up and move down here so that I can be close to my mom (and the rest of my family, of course, but my mom being the focus right now). I'm grateful for a husband who spent so much time with me on the phone the other night, reminding me of the light, reminding me that we live be faith and not by sight. I'm so awful - even when I remind him of his weakness(es), he doesn't even dwell on that. He reminds me that this earth is only temporary, and that what counts is the eternal. He reminds me to look up rather than down or around here on this earth.

I've always been a pretty optimistic person, but lately I don't really know what's gotten into me. The thing is that I don't want to be that person who focuses so much on the negative that she can't see the great things that are happening. I'm not that kind of person naturally, and I don't want to become that. So I leave with this - be thankful, Susy, for what you have. Things could be so much worse in so many ways. Thank Him that you are alive one more day to experience His goodness.

Update 4.1.08

So I lied when I said I would post something yesterday. Even though things have slowed down for us, it's still difficult to find the extra time and even energy to blog. I do have some pictures I want to post and will do so soon.

The past couple of days have been pretty good days here. Mom has asked for her pain medicine less and less, but she constantly thinks of and wants some solid food. We're hoping that during her doctor's visit tomorrow, he'll let her go on a few solids or at least blended food. Mom has lost more weight. Yesterday she weighed in at 89 lbs. Yikes! We are all eager for her to eat some real food to gain a little weight. The TPN isn't designed to add weight to her body, but losing it is something that is unexpected, so we'll see what the doc says tomorrow. The pharmacist in charge of Mom's TPN called today to see how things were going, and said that he'll wait to hear from the doctor about increasing the calorie count in her bag.

So back to solid food - yes, we'd like for Mom to be able to have some, but we also know that we must be very cautious about it because if the inflammation in her intestines hasn't gone down, solid food will just mean pain, pain, pain trying to go through them. She gets gas from all this stuff (I know, tmi), and even just gas is terribly painful for her.

How to pray:
-positive news from the doctor about the intestinal inflammation
-rest - Mom still gets up almost hourly, and so our rest is somewhat disturbed. I'm still having trouble going back to sleep once we're up. It seems mom still has 'weird' dreams. I can't figure out of it's the pain medicine or...what.

Thank you all for you love and prayers. You encourage me so much!

3.30.08

I had some questions and emails regarding the PICC line and TPN, so this is to inform about it a little.

Because Mom's intestines need to heal, the docs don't want her to eat any solid foods. She's on a liquid diet. She's receiving nutrition intravenously through a line that goes from her arm to her heart. Everything she needs is in it. We have to hook her up every night, and it runs for about 12 hours. The bag is actually called TPN, total parenteral nutrition. The TPN is delivered with an infusion pump. Thank goodness it's not as big as the machines at the hospital. This is a little machine that fits in a backpack type bag with the TPN, and it's not difficult for Mom to carry.



A great nurse came the first night to show us how to do it, and the second night a different nurse showed up who relied more on us than we on her on the usage of the line.

So every night we take out the TPN from the fridge around 6:30 or 7 PM. An our or so later, we put the gloves on, inject some vitamins into the bag, flush the lines, clean this, clean that. purge this, and then finally connect the line. The line is just above her inner elbow on the left arm. Because it's something that goes directly into her blood, and because there's like an actual hole where the line goes in and stitches holding it in place, everything has to be clean, clean, clean.

They also certified me at the hospital on how to change the dressing. That part they're more paranoid about because the line and the area where it goes in is actually exposed. Everything has to be not just clean then, but it must be sterile. There's this whole process with that too. Stink! I should have gone to nursing school. At least I've done it a couple of times now (the dressing change), and I'm not so paranoid about that one now. The dressing can't get wet, dirty or anything like that. So when it's time for a shower, we have to cover it completely. At the hospital they used plastic wrap and taped it really well. A nurse in a dressing change class mentioned that one of her patients used the Glad Press & Seal. I don't know how it works on plates, but it sure works on skin and on itself. We use a few of those and then tape just to make sure nothing leaks in, and so far that's been great.

What else with the PICC line? ...Oh, Mom does have to make frequent (hourly) trips to the bathrom at night, so rest at night isn't the best. She is able to go right back to sleep, so that's awesome. Usually I'm the only one that has sleep issues after waking up. I'm not sure why, but I try to fit in a nap during the day to make up for it.

There can be complications with the TPN and the PICC line so please pray that we have none of these. So far so good, and we want to keep it that way.

Pictures tomorrow...

Update 3.28.08

So I know I said I would update yesterday, but time got away from us. That happens these days. Thankfully, things have slowed down, and my mom's health is headed in the right direction.

Okay, so I'll try to pick up where things left off last week. Be ready - this will be a long one :)

Tuesday - The fam showed up, and I left the hospital for a couple of days to rest and refresh. After being with Mom 24/7 for over a month, not seeing her for 2 days was kinda hard. I wanted to see in person how she was doing. The family was great at keeping me updated, and their reports were this: pain is under control, she's looking better, feeling better, no vomiting or diarrhea, and the external swelling is getting better.

During the time I was gone, my mom did have what I consider a major procedure - the docs placed a picc line from her arm to her heart through a vein to give her the nutrition she needs. They figured out that her bowels (intestines) are still VERY inflamed. After she was released from the hospital the prior week, they had told her she needed to eat, eat, eat to heal. Well, that was the problem. She was eating, but her bowels were so swollen that the food wasn't getting through very well. That was causing much of the pain. The intestines were so swollen that only liquids could get through easily; anything else was getting stuck...trying to get anything solid through would indeed cause a ridiculous amount of pain. So they now ordered a picc line, through which she would get all of her nutrition. They also restricted her diet to clear liquids. She's to 'eat' (drink clear liquids) only for pleasure since her nutrition is coming through the line.

So once they started that and she had passed the solids already in her body, she began to improve. When my brother & I returned on Friday to spend the day with Mom...I just can't begin to tell you the difference we saw in her. The external swelling had gone down, her pain was in control, and she was smiling - that was the biggest deal to me.

Family stayed with her once again on Friday night.

I returned to the hospital Saturday morning to take over the duties again seeing as the plan was for her to be discharged on Monday. We did have a bit of a bad pain episode on Saturday night, and for a bit I began to really get discouraged. I told my brother something like, "...I think it's me...when I'm around, she's in pain and all this crazy stuff happens. When I leave, she does so well...I may need to watch from far away..." Of course, I knew it wasn't true, but you start to doubt truth and believe all kinds of lies sometimes when things look really ugly. Okay, maybe you don't, but my human nature did show itself on those rough, rough days.

What took place that night was the same thing as before - food trying to get through the bowels. Some doctor at one point had told my mom that it was okay for her to go on a 'soft food' diet, meaning they were allowing solids. Well, this was a day that neither one of her main docs was around. It never should have happened. As soon as the solids were (very painfully) through the intestine, she was much better. So back on the clear liquid diet once again. The downside to it - for the first time in months, my mom has an appetite...but she can't eat. Ugh! Note to self: NEVER take eating for granted.

Easter Sunday was a pretty good day. Of course, she was very tired, but overall she was okay. We're all super happy about the picc line because it means my mom is getting exactly what she needs, which she probably didn't even get before all of this. The downside to it is that she wakes about every hour or so to use the bathroom (from the liquids going in). So not only did that keep her up, but as soon as she would begin falling asleep after coming back to bed, the nurses were in to check vitals or give her meds. So annoying...but I know it's their job.

Monday (release day) I could tell Mom woke up feeling ...not as great as Sunday. My aunt, Janet, came early to help during the discharge, and she, too, could tell Mom wasn't doing so well. After our own process of elimination, we narrowed it down to this one pill they were giving her - a 'bowel motivator.' It's this dumb 'lil pill that they said was so the bowels wouldn't just be sitting there. You know what, though? We were reading the literature on it, and it says something like, "...if you have any intestinal obstruction or tumor...DO NOT TAKE." HELLO! After she was able to release some of the pressure caused by the pill later that day, Mom did much better. We left the hospital in the early evening and headed to my uncle Phil and aunt Janet's place. We'll actually be staying with them until the surgery. They have a one level house that is way more comfortable than the trailer, and my mom said it was time to come here.

So what's happening now?

Through the course of the week, Mom has looked better and better each day. Her swelling is completely gone now - GREAT NEWS! The only downside to that is how skinny she is. She has in fact lost some weight (is at 94 lbs), and you can tell it. Tia Janet, though, gave her a new haircut today that filled her face out (doesn't look as long and skinny). Her eyes also don't look as dark from being 'sunken in.'

Mom had a doc appointment on Wednesday, during which he showed us a chart basically of her nutrition level just before, during and after her treatments. I was shocked to see how low she got before actually improving. She bottomed out almost at the lowest number on the chart. She's not yet back to normal, but she has improved by leaps and bounds and mountains and skies. If I get a chance to one of these days, I'll scan and post the chart.

Why was her nutrition so low? Practically speaking it was the chemo and radiation treatments. More specifically...there was a lot wrong, but one of the main things was her extremely low albumin level. Google albumin to read about how important that protein is for our bodies. At the hospital they gave my mom some albumin intravenously, and you could see the difference in her body almost immediately. When I figured out how albumin works, I realized why her swelling wouldn't go down.

So today we went out to run and errand and to see my aunt Estrella (who by the way is doing much better for those who have asked about her). We stopped for ice cream on the way back, and yes, Mom had a little. It was sherbet, and she's allowed a little. She didn't even eat a 1/4 of the child-size cup, but she'd also eaten some hard candy earlier. Since she hadn't really consumed much sugar, we believe it was the cause of some nausea (which until now had been pretty silent for days) she felt later on in the day and in the early part of the evening.

I can't think of much else right now...it is getting late, and good sleep can be a luxury these days. :) Not to worry, though...

Thank you all so very much for praying and keeping up with us as we journey through this chapter. I think I failed to mention how God answered our prayers in terms of:
- healing of the sores in Mom's mouth
- external body swelling - completely gone
- pain - this has been pretty well managed. They say she'll have a bit of pain until after the surgery, but on a scale of one - then, they'd like to keep it between one and three. Mom's pain has remained in the one and two category for the most part. There are times when it rises some, but it's usually brief, and we're narrowing down the causes.
- energy level - Mom has been moving around like I haven't seen in a LONG time. We're cautious with her, taking her recent fall into consideration, but she's up and around and walking a bit now.
- appetite - it's almost sad that Mom's appetite is back because she can't eat solid foods yet. She's craving, yes CRAVING many things, and it's hard to tell her no. Sure, she could cheat, but the thought of the pain that comes with food going through the inflamed bowels keeps her from it. Let me say it again: NEVER take eating for granted...

...much less...

...so many things...there are so many things we, I, take for granted on a daily basis. This journey has caused me to appreciate so many everyday things - eating, drinking, walking, LIVING without pain, being able to sleep not just on my back but in so many different ways, being able to sleep period, brushing my teeth without all kinds of painful sores, sitting, a body that functions properly, using the facilities painlessly, so much more. I think daily, I'm reminded of at least one more thing that I take for granted and should appreciate more.

Thank you, Lord, for my good health. I thank you that in spite of the challenges my mom is having, You love her and have never, ever left her side through all of it. You care about her more than anyone here on this earth, and I believe you hurt when she does. I don't understand why certain things happen to certain people. I don't understand all of this...I don't know that I understand any of it. BUT I do know that You are faithful. Your ways are higher than ours, so I won't attempt to understand all of it. Help me to learn what I should. Help my mom on a daily, hourly, momentary basis. I thank you for the grace you give her every single day to walk through this fire. Please help those we love who are also battling and fighting the fight of their lives - you know of whom we speak. In Jesus name, amen.

...but when I get to heaven, I think I'll still have a few questions for ya...

I am so sorry that it has taken me 9 million years to respond to emails and inquiries about mom. I will update thoroughly tomorrow, but for now I wanted all of you to know that she's doing much better. Mom is out of the hospital and is feeling way better.

Details tomorrow...

Update 3.19.08

Sunday - Mom progressively felt worse

Monday - We couldn't manage Mom's pain. We paged the doctor several times and ended up at the ER when his directives weren't working.

They admitted her and began the testing.

So far this is what we know - the scan showed 'obstructions' in the loops of her intestine, the obstructions being the inflammation and the tumor. She had a 'pic' (sp?) line put in her arm for nutrition and will have it until after the surgery. At first they said no to food, then they changed their minds to allow soft, bland foods, but they may change their minds again. They seemed to have managed her pain so far, and that's awesome news. The swelling in her body is still there, but it seems to be getting a little better.

Yesterday with all the drama, our AMAZING family showed up. Almost all of the brothers and sisters who live nearby came to help as well as my brother, and it was such a relief to me. They booted me out and are taking turns staying with her through out the day. I was becoming quite the emotional mess lately so it's a good thing for me to get away as hard as it is to leave my mom. I didn't want to leave, but I know I can't be much help to my mom if I'm not strong myself. It's hard for me to watch people in pain...and my mom...seeing her that way is almost unbearable sometimes.

So I heard that Mom had a pretty good night once her pain was managed. They sedated her in order to put in the pic line, and the family says she's doing okay.

I'm so very thankful for a family who pulls together and pitches in when we most need it. Thank you guys so very much! Last night there were like over 10 people in one little itty bitty room...but you know what? It was strength to my mom to see her brothers, sisters, and her kids right there with her. She's still thinking of others instead of herself - meaning she asked them all to make sure I was okay and to take care of me yada, yada - just like her.

So I'm sorry I haven't updated this, but I just haven't been able to do it the past couple of days.

Thank you all for your prayers, emails, text messages. They encourage me more than you know. If I don't answer my phone, it's only because I'm on it, away from it, or I just can't at the time.

I'll try to post some specific prayer requests soon.

Update 3.15.08

Guess who got to come home? That's right - my mom! Well, home being the travel trailer at the RV park, but it beats being at the hospital. We've been there since midnight Saturday, and it's good to see the sunshine and hear the birds sing.

Mom is doing a little better. She is still swollen, but we finally got a good explanation from the chemo doctor as to why she's so swollen and why it'll take time (a couple of weeks probably) for the swelling to go down completely. See, the treatments deplete quite a bit of nutrition, etc. from the body. Mom's protein is quite low not only because of the treatments, but also because for a week or two she could hardly eat. Then there was the vomiting and 'd.' The doctor said that what she needs to do right now is eat, eat, eat. Yes, she needs protein, but more than that she just needs to eat high calorie foods. Her diet is still limited because of the diarrhea. She can't eat much fiber or milk products. The milk products part is bad because those are the easier ways for her to get protein. Yogurt had been one of our best friends, but she has to limit that for now.

She's on some pretty potent medicine for the pain and also to control the diarrhea. Too many BM's mean dehydration but not enough is constipation. Of course, the medications all have their side effects so we're trying to manage that as well. It's all a huge balancing act.

We're thankful that the mouth sores are almost completely healed. That means Mom will have an easier time eating. That's awesome! The swelling is SLOWLY but surely going down. It'll be a a while still for her to come back down to normal, but little by little we think it's getting better. It's funny - my mom is almost my size now. She's so tiny normally that seeing her this way (as long as she doesn't feel bad) is almost kinda cute. For the first time ever, she has some hips. We're thinking she weighs about 110 or more. The bad thing about this swelling is that the swelling does hurt sometimes. In fact, last night her back was hurting from it pretty bad. This morning, we walked outside for a few minutes (enjoying the Houston weather before it hits 85).

Mom is still eating better and better every day. She had a plain junior cheeseburger last night. Hey, fast food right now is a-okay since we're trying to bring up her calorie count. Oh, another awesome thing - twice this week my mom was actually hungry. She hasn't actually been hungry since November or so. She eats because she has to, but she's just never hungry. Well, twice this week she was, and that's AMAZING news. Thank you, God!

How to pray:
-appetite - pray that Mom's appetite grow more and more
-swelling - pray that this continue to go down QUICKLY. Again, it'll take care of so many things, and she'll actually be able to eat a big bowl of fruit - something she's been craving for a while
-pain - that this contine to ease. She hasn't asked for as many meds for that today, so that's a good sign.

That's it for now. I thank God every day for all of you who are praying for my mom. Your prayers really work when we are just worn and drained. THANK YOU!

Update 3.13.08

It's been an up and down day, but mostly it's been a bit rough. The swelling from the fluids has my mom not just miserable but also in pain. As of tonight, no more pain medicine through the IV; we're down to the patches and a couple of different types of pills.

Um...I'm kinda tired so I'll make this a short one.

Please pray for:
-the pain to be managed better
-rest, rest, rest, without pain
-inflammation to go down - this will take care of a number of issues
-mouth sores to heal
-energy level to rise

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, emails, etc. Just when things seem to be too difficult, we receive a word of encouragement, a Scripture, or something that just revives us. When the Lord lays any of that on your heart, don't hesitate to email me. His Word is LIFE.

Update 3.12.08

Monday - Mom was still feeling pretty bad from the prior day. Her small intestine, though very inflammated, has no infection. That's a great thing. Now it's just waiting on it to return to normal. Until it does, we're to expect diarrhea. The urinary tract infection is being treated with antibiotics. Her legs began to swell quite a bit because of all of the fluids they were giving her. She wasn't releasing them so they had to put in a folie, a urine catheter overnight to release some of the fluids and pressure. If it's not one thing, it's another, huh?

Tuesday - Mom felt better than Monday. They removed the folie (sp?), and she was doing okay on her own. Her legs and body were quite swollen up to her waist. We're doing all the things they say to do - elevating her legs and talking walks. Oh, better appetite.

Wednesday - The doctor wanted to release her, but they decided against it because they needed to wean her off the pain medication they were giving her and transition to an oral med. They gave us a plan of how they'll do this. Up until this afternoon, she was feeling very well. In the morning, her legs weren't quite as swollen as yesterday, but they started pumping her with more fluids for fear of dehydration (the whole small intestine and diarrhea thing). Her legs and waist are big again, and she wouldn't even mind it except that it becomes uncomfortable and then even painful. So she had that kind of pain as well as the abdominal pain she's been having. The process of weaning her off of one thing and getting her onto another is...still going. Mom ate really well this morning and at lunch. Her mouth sores prevent her from eating 'hard' foods, but we're finding our way through it. She used some of that numbing stuff, but even that has it's ups and downs. Until she tires of them, poached eggs, linguini alfredo, and yogurt are our good friends.

So here's how you can pray:
Pain - pray that we learn how to manage this between today and tomorrow so that if she's released tomorrow, the transition is painless. Pray that the mouth sores (from chemo) will be healed so she can actually eat the things she wants (now that she actually wants to eat more).
Protection - pray that neither of us catches any of the hospital bacteria 'stuff.' She cannot afford to deal with anything else, and if I get sick, it puts me out of the picture. She needs care right now 24/7 so that would ...not be a good thing.
Peace - there are so many details that would take too long to go into, but things can get frustrating at times. This little problem can cause that, and that can cause the other thing, and the cycle can literall make someone crazy. Pray that we continue to lean on Jesus.
Rest - we really need some sleep. The crazyness of the infection and the inflammated intestine are enough to disturb our sleep every couple of hours at night. Then there are the doctors and nurses who need to check this or that. It's exhausting.
Inflammation & infection - pray that the intestine and bladder are healed QUICKLY.

The good news is that from here things should get better. That's what we're believing so please stand with us.

Update 3.9.08

*sigh* I haven't written updates lately because we have been in and out of the hospital and ER since Thursday. Not long after I wrote the last update on Thursday, my mom was reaching for something, her left leg gave out, and she fell. Thank the Lord she didn't hurt herself. Her leg wasn't numb, it didn't tingle, it didn't hurt - it just wouldn't hold her weight...her mere 100 lb body (and that's only from the IV fluids). After many, many tests, an MRI, a CT scan and hours at the ER, we were eventually told that her leg was weak because the radiation had gone to some nerves in that area. They also said it wouldn't be permanent damage. We were there from about 2 in the afternoon until 3:30 the next morning.

The next day we had a regular appointment during which we let the radiologist know what happened the prior day. He was not at all convinced about the reason for her fall...or the reason we'd been given, so he ordered another MRI, more blood work, and urine samples. At this point, we were going on pretty much zero sleep so my poor mom was beyond exhausted. My aunt Janet and Ivonne came to help, and honestly, it was just a huge relief. Many have offered to help...sometimes I just don't know how they can...I guess I just needed to see their faces because I broke down upon sight of them. My mom was feeling pretty cruddy by this point, and I was getting more and more...frustrated (if that's the word) because of my inability to help her more. I just didn't know what to do.

When we finished the MRI, we were supposed to go to a dermatologist appointment to see about some non-chemo and non-radiation spots that were showing up on her body, but once the doctor saw how tired she was, he sent her home. OH, but not before letting us know that she had a bladder infection - thus the fever and new abdominal pain.

We both crashed when we got to the travel trailer...only to wake to a fever (she had the fever, not me). It was over 102, so Janet and Ivonne stayed quite a while to help me get the fever down. They also helped me by cleaning up and even taking our laundry.

Yesterday (Saturday) my brother and his family came over from morning until after 5. They also helped us quite a bit. During that time, my mom didn't feel terrible, but she didn't necessarily feel well. Things progressively got worse. My mom is something else...she tried and tried to make herself feel well. She ate a little, she drank as much as she could without getting nauseated, she took her pills, and she just tried. She woke up about hrs after we'd been sleeping to use the restroom, and as soon as she tried to lay back down, she vomited oh so much. She was in pain again (the patches and pills weren't working), and...she was just miserable. This time, she didn't have to be convinced to go to the ER; this time she asked us to take her. So off we went around 1:30 in the morning.

More blood, more X-rays, and another scan. Around 5 in the morning I took a nap, while Louis accompanied her to do the scan. That took forever, of course, but it was well worth it. My brother and Naticia came once again to help out (thanks Rach for keeping the kids!). What did they find? Well, the bladder infection wasn't just a bladder infection. She has an intestine infection. See, the areas where she was receiving radiation are expected to be swollen, but the other parts aren't. They found a swollen loop that shouldn't have been, and that's because there's an infection. At that point, they decided to admit her - a HUGE relief to all of us. We've been doing our best to manage the side effects of the chemo, radiation, and all the pills she's taking...and the side effects that come with the pills and the side effects to those...it's a never-ending cycle when it comes to drugs. Honestly, though, it has become beyond overwhelming to keep track of this stuff because now there were new pains that we couldn't treat and new symptoms. Now we could finally get the professionals to deal with what we're completely unable to manage ourselves.

So that's where we are now - in a room where my mom can be treated by people who can help. The chemo doctor came and got involved while she was at the ER, and he's closely monitoring her along with her surgeon (future surgeon) and other doctors. The staff here have continued to be great. The only downside to being here is that they constantly wake her up to check her vitals and other stuff, so she gets woken up quite a bit. Yet, it's something I had already started doing with her at home to keep track of her fever, and it's so much better here because they can finally treat the problem.

Three trips to the ER in one week for my mom...her little body is starving for rest, so pray that she be able to get that. That lil body is also in need of nutrition, which she'll be able to get more little by little here.

What's next? We'll be here for at least 48 hours, after which the doctors will reassess her condition.

How is she? Better. I've never seen my mom look the way she has the past couple of weeks, and writing this update is almost reliving some of it. I don't like it. It broke me, and it continues to break my heart. I've never gone through anything more trying or that causes me to doubt so much or that causes my heart to literally fall to pieces every 5 minutes. This isn't just my mom; next to Nathan she's my best friend. She's this angel for whom I care with my whole heart - watching her go through this hellish storm is...a reminder of how much I need Jesus. In the midst of her pain, my mom comforted me (while I'm supposed to be doing that for her) and said, "As much help as you and others have been to me, I know I couldn't make it without the Lord. I know He is right here with me." And she means that. When she is feeling miserable and in pain, I hear her crying out, "Help me, Jesus. Help me now..."

It would be so easy to give up on Him. I mean, where is He when she's in pain? Where is He, and why doesn't He just put it to an end? I mean if He is who He says He is, can't He just make it all stop now? I think He can. But why doesn't He? I don't know. I don't know that I'll ever know or understand Him and all His ways. I just know that He's worthy anyhow. My mom reminded me the other day to love God not because of what He does but because of who He is. I mean, we love people, or should love people because of them, not for what they do for us. The book of Hosea is somewhat about that - loving someone in spite of what they may or may not do. God loves us that way, and I'm challenged to love Him because He is I AM.

There's this song I love and fell in love with when I first heard it because it challenged me to do just that - love the Lord completely even though I haven't seen Him (emphasis added at the end mine).

I have found exceeding joy,
Jesus answered when I called
this Name that has saved me,
pure love that embraced me.
Mercy, grace, eternal life.
Bought from darkness to His light.
While lost in my sin, He
raised me and made me live.

My soul magnifies the Lord,
my heart joys in God my Saviour,
for He lifts the lowly,
He's done great things for me.
I will sing, praising evermore,
He is mighty and Holy is His Name.

I will lift my head up high,
praising Jesus through each trial.
Though I have not seen Him,
I love Him completely.

Copyright 2002 Miriam Webster/Hillsong Publishing

Update 3/6/08

It's just before 11, and here we sit, lay, and rest. Yesterday was a great day. It was a very long day, but it was great nonetheless. My mom had a doctor's appointment in the morning, so we headed out and finished up with that and bloodwork just before noon. On our way out, my mom wanted to stop at the hospital cafeteria to get some Chick-fil-a nuggets - crazy, huh?! She hasn't really had much of an appetite so that was music to my ears. She only ate a couple of them, but that was okay. I think the grease and honey mustard got to the sores she's now getting in her mouth. I could tell she was getting tired so we headed home.

We had a few hours before her last treatment, so she laid down for a nap. Upon waking, though, she had a fever, and although it was a low-grade fever, we needed to let the doctor know. There was a bit of miscommunication, and they thought she had a 103 fever, so we rushed over. After realizing it wasn't so high, they let us know what to do in the future.

On our way to the radiation area, she was surprised by some of the family who showed up to celebrate her last treatment with us. The biggest surprise was my aunt Estrella, who recently had her stroke. Their family is actually moving down from Oklahoma, and my uncle brought her to see my mom for the first time since the stroke. It was awesome! I'll post pics of their reunion soon.

So she did her last treatment and rang the bell. She still had some fever from earlier, but from the excitement, I don't think it was really bothering her. What a great moment for all of us.

Unfortunately that wasn't the end of the day for us. My mom still had to get some fluids through IV so off we went. By the time we finished all of that, it was nearly 10, and my poor mom was exhausted. We still had to travel from one building to the other, wait for the car and drive home. At least the valet people kept us laughing. It's been good to see my mom smile and hear her laugh. After a terrible week (last week), it's very relieving and such a joy to see her smile.

We have doctors' appointments tomorrow and Monday. We will continue to stay in Houston at least through next week so that we can be near the hospital for the appointments and in the case my mom should need to visit for any reason. We expect the side effects to come to a peak in the next few days but then to subside little by little.

This morning my mom had a little fever, but it has since gone, and we are going to take it nice and easy today. For breakfast I got a little creative in making a peach smoothie for her. She's still limited in what she eats, and fresh fruits are out, but that's where creativity comes in...not something I'm a natural with, but at least it came this morning. I added a little protein powder to it, and she ended up drinking the entire thing!

I know the battle isn't nearly over, but I'm grateful for the victories we've had already. For a while, every day may continue to be a fight. I know, though, that He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. The victory is already ours, and we're just walking in His grace according to His will.

Update 3/4/08 - another one

We just got home from the hospital about 20 minutes ago. *yawn?* My mom had fluids through IV scheduled at 5, and they take 3 hours to finish. She started at exactly 6 pm, and we finished around 9:20. Well, we were in one building, and to walk to the building where you have to park, it takes a good 20 minutes...walking at a regular speed. Since my mom is too weak to walk much, she's been using a wheelchair, and it would've taken us FOREVER. The great thing is that they have little 'shuttles' (oversized golf carts) so getting to the building wasn't a problem...um, but they finish their rounds at 8:45 pm. We could've walked it, but unfortunately my mom has had way too many bowel movements today (all the 'D'), and there's no restroom on the way to/from...

...well, security called a van that drove us to the building, blah blah. We're kinda worn today. I say that knowing that my mom is BEAT. I have nothing about which to complain.

So yeah - the doctors want her to have at least one bowel movement per day but no more than 3. Today we're already above 9. Thank goodness she was scheduled for fluids because otherwise she'd be dehydrated already. If it continues, though, we'll have to make another trip to the ER. You know, the ER is not something I dread. In fact, it's almost comforting because they can help my mom in ways that we cannot. Of course, we do our best to avoid that, but I'm glad it's there if we need it.

And (yeah, I know it's not grammatically correct to begin my sentences this way) let me just take this time to say how great it is that 99% of the hospital staff has been amazing. And it's great that we just give them my mom's lil patient number, and they know pretty much EVERYTHING about her. They can pull up her labs at any moment, etc etc. Their system allows the kind of efficiency that Susy believes belongs everywhere in the world.

Okay, so as I finish this and you read it...hopefully we'll be on our way to my mom's last radiation treatment. She just finished some yogurt with protein powder, and is working on her liquids. Let's pray for no ER!

Tomorrow she rings the bell!

Update 3/4/08

Let me just tell you that I have a resilient and strong mother. She's the most courageous and the strongest woman I know. What makes her strong? She relies on God for help rather than these crazy medicines, and she's faithful to praise Him even in the worst of times.

Last night was a bit long. At 2 a.m. she woke up to use the facilities and ended up being there quite a while (Mom, if you ever read through these, I'm sorry to tell about all this, but it helps people know how to pray). Finally around 3:30 she laid down only to get the hiccups (that's right) for a while. She actually had the hiccups about 4 times yesterday. She was finally able to doze off right after 6 this morning. The great thing - no pain!

As the day has progressed, she has eaten better and has taken liquids better. She got very nauseous and had a tiny bit of vomiting just after we returned from the hospital and before she ate, but she felt much better after wards. She's laying down, napping, and at 5 we go back to the hospital for an IV of fluids to prevent dehydration.

So it's set in stone - tomorrow is the last day of treatments! I can't wait to see my mom ring the bell at the radiation entrance/exit that announces she has finished. The side effects will be here for a couple of weeks still, and the radiation will continue to work for another month. BUT we have something for which to look forward. We will continue to stay in Houston at least through next week to be near the hospital in case we should need anything. We'll meet with the chemo doctor tomorrow and the surgeon on Monday. The surgeon should let us know when she'll have a scan to see the results of the radiation on the tumor and to determine the plan of action for the surgery.

On our way to the hospital this morning, my mom thanked God for all the people who are praying for her. Then she started singing - she was praising God, and hands down it was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. My 'eye faucets' couldn't hold it in, and I cried all the way to the hospital. Your prayers strengthen us, so from the bottom of my heart - thank you.

THANK YOU, LORD!

one more for the day

As I type, my mom has just fallen asleep with a bit more nutrition in her system and without evident pain. The meds are working, and most importantly, Jesus has answered our prayers. He has relieved and eased the pain. For His name's sake, He has shown Himself faithful. Whether or not He comes in our timing or our way, He will answer.

Tonight we ask God, our Father for rest. May we all rest, not just physically, but in every way - knowing that He is sovereign and in control. He will work things out according to His will. To that, we surrender and lean on His grace and arms to hold us up when we can no longer do it ourselves.

Update 3/3/08

I'm so sorry I haven't updated this in a couple of days. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster here.

Saturday - By saturday morning, the 'lil morphine lollipop had kicked in, and my mom got to feeling better. My brother's family all came over and spent most of the afternoon with us. It was great to see my mom feeling better. She even ate a little bit of turkey with her crackers. Then came the evening...

...she started with the stomach cramping again, so we tried little bits of the lollipop. She woke up several times in the night with the pain, and the morsphine lollipop was hardly working. Apparently the morphine patch wasn't either. It had kicked in at some point on Saturday evening, but apparently it wasn't strong enough.

Sunday morning - pain, pain, more pain. My mom wasn't able to eat but a couple of spoonfuls of yogurt. Then immediately the pain would come. She couldn't drink either. She could eat the crunchy Sonic ice, but only little bits at a time. We tried another morphine patch but knew it would take 12 hrs to kick in. Around 4 pm we noticed she had fever. She was in the fetal position because of the pain. I don't remember experiencing anything this gut-wrenching. My heart was beyond broken, and we just didn't know what to do.

Well, that's what ER's are for. We got to the ER around 4:30, and she was admitted immediately. Her potassium was low, but at least not as low as it had gotten before her last trip to the ER, as was her magnesium. So they set up the IV with potassium, magnesium, and an antibiotic in the case of an infection. Since her body is immune-compromised right now, it can't fight infections by itself. They wanted to take a precaution in case the fever was from an infection. Then they hooked us up with a different kind of morphine. This stuff worked. You know, I'm all about natural stuff, but I have NEVER EVER been more thankful for medical technology. Thank you, Jesus! So after whatever the name of the stuff they gave her went through the IV, my mom was already feeling better.

They did run all kinds of blood tests and xrays. All came back a-okay. You know what was really incredible? The radiation doctor showed up when he heard she had been admitted. We see him weekly, but it's not his responsibility to show up in these situations. Most of the time they're not even aware until later. Not only did he come, but he came! It was a huge deal to us, and let me just take this time to say how incredible he is. This doctor is going to get extra little blessings in heaven for his kindness towards us.

Okay, so everything came back fine, but they wouldn't release my mom until her potassium had gone back to normal. They have to pump it very slowly so that there's no heart damage. The radiation doc looked at all of the tests himself and then talked to us.

The fever - he believes it was a 'tumor' fever - the tumor breaking down a little bit - GREAT NEWS! He said that could also be the reason for the severe stomach cramps. Yes, low potassium can cause muscle spasms, but it's not typically the stomach, and it wouldn't be that bad. So in his words, "I'm so sorry I can't give you a definite answer on the abdominal pain. Medical technology is imperfect, and I'm sorry we can't give you the cause; BUT at least we can take care of the symptom, AND we've made sure it wasn't any obstruction or anything of concern..."

His empathy, honesty, and care really encouraged us.

GREAT NEWS AGAIN - instead of the 6 radation treatments my mom had left, he's taking it down to 3! That means that Wednesday of this week will be the last of it. I'll explain on another blog more of the details of the science of why she couldn't stop at 22 treatments but can stop at 25. She'll still feel the most serious side effects for about 10 days after the last treatment, but the radiation itself will keep working for another month or so. Unless something changes today, Wednesday is the last of this radiation nonsense. THANK YOU, GOD!

Today - the pain is in control, and we're just gonna keep using the magic lil pill along with the morphine patches. They seem to do the trick together.

*relief*

I can't begin to explain how awful it was to see my mom in so much pain. Unlike her daughter, she can take quite a bit. I know when she complains about pain, it's serious. So when she moans and groans from it, ugh...again, I don't think my heart has ever hurt so much.

BUT our faith remains in Jesus. We have been comforted by Him through your love and prayers. I can't express my thanks to you for your love for me and my mom. I need you and thank you for standing with me/us through all of this. God is greater than any sickness or disease and will show Himself strong and faithful.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

Update 2/29/08 - Modern medicine is pricey

Last night was quite a night. With the diarrhea and the stomach pain, my poor mom couldn't rest well.

My mom's pain today got progressively worse. Her stomach hurt so bad she could hardly eat. We did get to see the doctor, who gave her Rx for pain. One of the prescriptions won't kick in for about a day or so, but the other did. Yes, at about 10:30 tonight the pain began subsiding. As we got ready for bed, though, we learned that her stomach didn't take it well - vomiting. It was only once, but enough to deplete her of the nutrients she so needs right now. That 'lil pain lollipop killed the pain at a price. Pray that the vomiting will stop - too much more will land us in the ER.

We decided to stay in Houston this weekend rather than make the drive to El Campo.

I think that's all for now.

Update 2/29/08

This was a pretty tough day. It's kinda difficult to explain it all without taking all eternity, but just pray for my mom's health. She was in some pretty awful pain this morning. Let me just be blunt - the diarrhea, radiation (in that very spot), and everything just has her raw, bleeding, and feeling as is she's being jabbed with a knife. Using the facilities is something we probably don't think twice about. The pain got way too intense today, so we tried to see the doctor when we went for the daily treatments. Unfortunately, he was no longer there for the day, but his PA was paged, and she gave us a prescription for something that she said would help with the pain. It hasn't so far, so mom is currently trying to sleep it all off. We do have an appointment tomorrow , so please pray that they'll be able to do something, anything to relieve this.

There are 7 more treatment days, and we're counting down like never before. Monday, March 10 is the day...it can't get here quickly enough! She'll still have the effects of this for 1-3 weeks afterwards, but at least at that point it'll be 'downhill.'

Humanly, we are at the end of ourselves. I can't help my mom with this pain, and she can't help herself. We are at a place in which we are relying completely and totally on God. We know that He is MORE than able to help as He has done so much already. We also know that His grace is sufficient. So please help me pray for my mom. Sometimes I feel like I ask God the same thing over and over, and then I feel like I've run out of things to pray. Lately I've just been saying, "help." I ask Him for healing, life, help, strength, grace, peace, comfort...I ask for Him.

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

Update 2/27/08

Well, today was a better day than yesterday. My mom did have stomach pain/cramping, but it wasn't as bad as it was yesterday. We had to make a trip to El Campo for some paperwork for which she had to be physically present. The trip would normally take a little over an hour, but it took 2 today. We had to stop several times to use the facilities. She was exhausted when we returned, but it's something that had been hanging over her head so it's a HUGE relief that it's dealt with for good.

I think the emotions of everything have just been building with us so we had a bit of a cry together on our way back because we were relieved and just...emotional about everything that's taking place. So you know what my mom said? She said, "Thank you, God, for being so so good to us. You are so good, so good."

Just as Job said, "...though He slay me, yet will I trust Him..." That's what my mom was doing today. In the midst of her pain, she thanked God for His goodness. God is worthy of our praise in the good times and the bad, and he deserves the praise because of who He is, not what He does. So as Hebrews 13:15 says, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise.

Wonderful, merciful Savior, precious Redeemer and Friend;
Who would have thought that a Lamb could rescue the souls of men?
Oh, You rescue the souls of men.

You are the One that we praise, Your are the One we adore.
You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for,
Oh, our hearts always hunger for.

Update 2/26/08 - You had a bad day?

Today was kind of a bad day for my mom. She woke up with such little energy that little things, like blow-drying her hair, were draining. It's fun playing hair, but I don't necessarily care for the circumstances.

We made it to the hospital an hour after my mom's first appointments were supposed to begin, but it was just a slow morning. Fortunately, the doctors, nurses, and staff at MD Anderson are incredible, patient, and understanding. They just took us in a bit later. I'm such a freak about promptness and all that, but it's so nice to know that the people here are so understanding about the circumstances.

The doctor let us know that my mom's condition is normal. The side effects are just kicking in more as they had expected they would. They said the awful cramping could be caused by a couple of things. Basically, things are as they should be, and they just encouraged my mom to "hang in there." They know it's easier said than done, so they're careful to listen to everything we have to say and answer all of our questions.

In humor, my mom asked the doctor if she could kinda just take a permanent break from the treatments. Of course, he said no. The treatment has to run its FULL COURSE for it to achieve the desired results. And what are those results? To shrink the tumor and stop any kind of spreading of the cancer. These experienced professionals are giving her the 'dosage' the tumor needs and that her body can handle. I say that knowing that her body is frail, and they know that as well. They know her body will take a 'beating,' but they're monitoring all of it carefully.

I say all of that because I was 'reprimanded' at one point for not asking the doctors to decrease her dosage and for not getting enough information as to the progress. Um, the thing is - we've asked them all of those questions. They continue to let us know that, again, this has to run its FULL COURSE. Believe me, I would love more than anything to stop all of it right now, but I can't do that. People (not doctors I might add) have also recommended all kinds of treatments to my mom and how this can do that and whatnot. You know what? Those may or may not work. What we're doing now is the same. HOWEVER, this is the course of action chosen, and my mom is trusting that God will guide her and help her through each and every step. I know people mean well, but I guess I'm sharing this just so that all know kinda where we are.

Touchy, huh? Sorry...weird phone calls.

Okay, so back to today - as we were leaving the hospital, my mom suddenly hunched over in pain from stomach cramps. A kind nurse (on her lunch break) quickly came to us, helped get my mom to a chair, and went out of her way to get a wheelchair. How does one stay strong in a time like that? Well, again, the cramps are somewhat normal. Specifically the doc said it could be from too much imodium or a reaction of something she was eating...combined with the chemo and radiation. The pain subsided and was even gone within 5 or 10 minutes - thank you, God. My mom was able to eat a little (the menu choices for her are dwindling quickly), and then she napped for about 2.5 hrs. This evening she felt a bit better, but she on and off just feels yuck. That's the only way I know to describe it right now.

So please pray that this cramping nonsense will stop. The other stuff is bad enough. This added to it is just not ...good. Oh, my mom has last 2.2 lbs this past week, so pray that she'll be able to eat a little better to maintain her weight and her potassium (they've put her on potassium so that she doesn't have to worry about even coming close to being low).

I mentioned yesterday that she had 9 treatments left, but we were a day off. She had 10 left, and as of TODAY she has 9.

I've been singing the first verse of this song over and over, meditating on it and making it mine. It's my comfort when things look so wrong...

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Update 2/25/08

Well, thank God that my mom only has 9 more treatments to go. That's right - we only have the remainder of this week and then next week. Unfortunately, they say that she'll still have some of the major side effects from this stuff 3-4 weeks after it's over. Either way, at least we're counting down.

My mom is pretty much a trooper when it comes to pain and discomfort. She's always been that way. That's why I know that when she says, "I really don't feel well..." and asks for help...I know it's serious.

This morning was pretty rough for her. If it was pure discomfort, it would be one thing, but to see her in pain is quite another. She was sick this morning (I don't like to post some of the details because they gross some people out. If you're interested in knowing how to pray more specifically, just email me) and slept as long as she could before getting up to get ready to head to Houston. I waited until almost everything was packed to wake her. That's so hard - having to wake her up to take meds or whatever else. She had little energy and just wanted to lay down. Shocking?! *sigh* If you know my mom, you know that laying down and resting is just something she doesn't do. The fact that she wanted to lay down was a sign of how fatigued her body was.

We made it to Houston with time to eat lunch AND time for her to take about an hour nap before her treatment. After her treatment, we sometimes try to go to the store or something just so she's not inside all day (she can't be out in the sun right now). Well, today, she didn't even want to wait in the car while I ran in to get some water. She just wanted to lay down. So we came to the travel trailer, and she started to nap again.

My uncle Phil and aunt Janet came this evening to visit for a little while. It's so good to see family, and it's so kind when they have the time to come by. Everyone has so much going on with, and we definitely don't expect anyone to come all the way out here to visit. It's a great surprise when they do.

You know what was good medicine? My mom's laughter. She was talking to my aunt Estrella (who, by the way, is progressing amazingly), and they had a little laugh. That little bit, though, cheered us both. A spoonful of laughter makes the medicine go down...or something.

So that was our day. The evening was a bit better than the morning, but this is definitely taking its toll. My mom prayed today, "Jesus, please help me. I can't do this on my own, but I can if you help me, so please just help me today...and please help..." It broke me. I try my best to be strong for my mom and keep the tears to myself, but today it was hard. Her trust is in Him, who is our ever-present help in time of need.

My hope is built on nothing less
thank Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

Thank you!

Friends and family - thank you for your continued prayers for my mom. We may not understand how prayer works, but it does. Thank you, also, for your calls, text messages, etc. to us. We really appreciate them. I haven't been able to respond to some of the calls and voicemails, but I know you understand. I can't tell you how much it means to know that you're thinking of and praying for us. You strengthen me. I may not get back to you for a while, but know that I so appreciate and love you.

Update 2/24/08

Friday - my mom got to come home once again for the weekend, and that night was pretty uneventful. She was tired so it was good for her to be able to just rest in her own home.

Saturday - well, yesterday was not the best day. Not only was my mom fatigued, but she had stomach pain and had challenges when it came to using the facilities. Of course, that just wears her out more, so she spent the day laying down on the sofa.

Today has been okay. She woke up feeling a little better but still very tired. She's still having other challenges, but it's not as bad as yesterday. She's sleeping right now as I type.

It's heartbreaking to watch my mom's energy decline and even more so her health from the side effects of the treatments. I'm thankful that she only has 2 more weeks of treatments. That's right - 10 more weekdays, and this phase will be over! Then we wait several weeks and allow her body to recover before the surgery. So in the meantime...we pray. I ask God to relieve her of the symptoms, and I ask Him to give her the grace to endure what comes.

Update 2/21/08

Tomorrow we get to go home. After my mom's 8:30 appointment in the morning, we head home for the weekend...well, her home. Home to me is...well, it's strange...when I speak to the people in Kansas about 'home,' I'm speaking of my Texas roots and vise versa. That saying, "home is where the heart is," I guess I understand that a bit better. My heart is with my family, and that is home to me. I miss Nathan so much. I have a really great husband who has given me the freedom to come and go and be with my mom as much as I think is necessary. I just really miss him.

So back to my mom - both yesterday and today she had relatively 'good' days. The doctors continually express how well she's doing considering the circumstances. One of our main tasks now is to keep my mom's diet where they want it, meaning she must eat a specific amount of calories, protein and a minimum amount of fiber each day. With the help of fitday.com, tracking things isn't that bad (we use fitday to keep track of her nutrition and calorie intake not a weight-loss journal for her). Getting my mom to actually at over 1300 calories every single day is a different story. She does like to eat, but for several months hasn't had appetite. Her meals are also very small, so I'm doing my best to get her to snack. The fun thing is that she gets to snack on high-calorie foods that we healthy people wouldn't normally eat on a regular basis.

My aunt, Estrella, has also had some pretty good days (today & yesterday). She has more and more movement with her left limbs, and she was even able to walk a little today (with help, of course).

Every day is a new day. We don't know what it will bring - trouble, hardship, joy, strength...none of us know. I do know this - God's mercies are new every morning. He's here in our victories as well as our sorrows. We must come to a place in which we're able to thank Him in each and every circumstance. We must thank Him in the sunshine, and we must thank Him in the storm. If we knew no dryness, how could we love the rain?

Update 2/19/08

Up until yesterday afternoon, my mom was feeling pretty well. During a doctor's appointment, though, she ad to excuse herself to use the facilities. The doctor said that this is just around the time when the side effects get worse.

So mom is now on a low-fiber, higher-protein diet. One of the main side effects of radiation (sorry to gross you out here) is diarrhea, and they want to control that as much as possible. So everything they say to eat to avoid cancer, my mom can't eat right now; while she can and MUST eat all the things we would typically avoid in a healthy lifestyle.

In addition to her blood test yesterday, they did another test to see if mom has a bladder infection. Yesterday she was in quite a bit of pain (different from the stomach pain she experiences). Because it was a culture they took, it will be a couple of days before they know if it was an infection they must treat. Let's pray it's not!

Today mom's stomach has been under control thus far. She's not used to eating so much protein, so her stomach felt pretty heavy after lunch.

Today is also a better day for Tia Estrella. In spite of her physical challenges from the stroke, she called my mom today to find out how she was doing. They said my aunt has actually been moving her left side a bit, and that's awesome news. The Lord is faithful.

With Fam

This is my mom, me, Ivonne (aunt/sister), Cara (niece). It was so nice of them to come see us on Valentine's Day.


...and with Allison and Jacob (da broda's kids), who came to see us on the weekend.


Thanks, fam, for coming to keep us company! And thanks to the fam who did come but aren't pictured and those who went to see Tia Estrella.

Update 2/17/08

So during the week we stay in Houston at an RV park that's about 1o minutes away from MD Anderson. I've been meaning to take pictures, but last week was pretty hectic. I'll do that soon. I think I've mentioned it before, but in case I haven't, most of the people staying at the park are also there for treatment at the hospital. It's amazing that this little place is right in the middle of Houston. It's definitely been a blessing to us as my mom's house is actually over an hour away from the hospital.


(Mom and me on Valentine's Day)

If my mom has been feeling well enough during the weekends, she wants to come HOME. We're grateful for the convenience of the RV Park, but there's just no place like home. My mom is used to open spaces, and even though the RV we're using is decent sized (not huge, but not tiny), she feels cramped and chlostrophobic by the end of the week. We came home on Friday after her last treatment and doctors' appointments and will head back tomorrow morning since her treatments are later in the day tomorrow.

Today she wasn't as tired as she was yesterday, but I have a feeling she will be by the time the night is over. She's been working on 'work' stuff, and I'm pretty sure it wears her down. The thing about my mom is that she doesn't know how not to work. She can't just sit still. I can't remember a time when she could just sit and enjoy a movie. She'd grab something to do or would end up falling asleep. She is, however, trying to be wise about how much to do. She understands that there's more stress on her now with all that's happening with her sister. She's trying to make sure she takes care of herself because she knows that's what she needs to do. My mom is the helper of her family. Well, there are others, but my mom was the one who was there when anyone needed anything. By anyone and anything I really mean that. She's used to jumping and doing when there's a crisis. At this point she knows she can't do anything for her sister or anyone else unless she's well herself.

As for my aunt, she's doing okay. There seems to be a problem with her vision in her left eye, but we believe she'll be out of ICU as early as tonight. The family is thinking about having her transfered to Houston because there are family members here who can all help care for her and help with their little girl. We're all hoping that can take place soon.

Update 2/16/08

This past week was definitely a roller-coaster. Healthwise - my mom experienced some side effects from her treatments, but overall we're thankful that it wasn't worse. She's about 1/3 of the way into it, and THAT'S awesome news. That means she's COMPLETED 1/3 of this phase. Her energy declined and her nausea increased as the week went along, and her comfort level was just up and down. I think news of my aunt's health definitely took a toll on my mom, but even THAT could've been worse. My mom just knew that she really needed to 'deal' with the situation rather than allowing the stress of it make her sick. Stress and any kind of virus or sickness will only slow the progress of her treatments.

Speaking of my aunt (her name is Estrella by the way, which means star in Spanish)...well, it turns out that she had a major stroke, and it's a COMPLETE miracle that she's still with us. The stroke caused some brain damage, wich in turn is causing paralysis in her left arm and her left leg. She has, however, been able to move her left toes. She is still heavily sedated, but the doctors did remove oxygen (so she is breathing on her own), and they also removed her feeding tube. Because she's still been sedated, she's been pretty out of it. She has spoken with the family who is there and even over the phone with my mom for a brief moment. We don't think she's aware of how she got to the hospital. There was quite a bit of trauma, and the matter is more delicate and complicated than I can explain at the time, but I do ask that you say a prayer for her as you pray for my mom.

Please pray for:
My mom's nausea and stomach to stay settled, especially during these stressful days.
My mom's energy level.
My mom's appetite - she gained 1 lb last week, but lost it at the end with all the crazyness. She HAS to eat and does because she can't do her treatments otherwise, but she's NEVER hungry. She's tiny as it is so losing weight is NOT an option.
Yes, we know to expect reactions to the treatments. I mean, all kinds of poisons going into anyone's body will wreak havoc. We know to expect the nausea, diarrhea, etc.; HOWEVER, we also know that God has already been gracious in subsiding some of the side effects, and we want that to continue.
Please also pray for my aunt, Estrella, and her health. I will update on her as much as I am able to do so.

Update 2/14/08

This has been one very long and crazy day. We were woken up around midnight last night by the phone. One of my uncles (my mom's brother) was calling to let us know that one of my aunts (my mom's older sister) had been life flighted to the hospital.

To make a very long story and a very long day short, my aunt had a couple of strokes and some injuries due to the strokes (we believe), and she was undergoing surgery all night long as well as earlier today. The surgeries were successful, but the doctors are still finding damage to her body, and...well, we're all trying to wrap our minds around some of the details leading up to it all. She's under heavy sedation, and they don't intend on waking her for a day or two still. There's a lot we're still trying to figure out right now. In the meantime, we're all concerned about her husband and their little girl, who we call Sweet Pea. Little Sweet Pea is 10 years old, and I'm sure so very confused about her mommy being as sick as she is and all of it happening so quickly and the way it did.

Upon hearing the news, my mom wanted to take off and be by her sister's side, but of course, that's out of the question right now. Fortunately, other family members are on their way to help. We don't know many details, but we do know that God spared the life of my aunt at this time for she could've had worse damage than what she already has. Things could've been much worse.

My mom hardly slept last night, and I was just concerned that the added stress would really aggravate her already weak stomach. She did have more nausea and stomach pain today, but she's doing better at this hour.

We (my mom & I) had some really sobering conversations today. Well, they were sobering, but they were really great. I learned a lot more about my family, my history, etc. I've always admired my mom for all of the sacrifices she made for me and my brother (and so many other people). I've always known she was a fighter. More than ever I am grateful for a mother who has faught so hard against so many odds for her family. I've said it before - she's one of the most selfless people I know. She resembles Jesus and His love more than anyone I know. Is she perfect? No (to me she almost is, though). Only Jesus is perfect. He's done a great work of grace in Her life, and I'm glad to be able to witness it. It wasn't that my mom spoke highly of herself during our conversations; it was that she humbly admitted her weaknesses and spoke so well and highly of others. She doesn't talk about love and forgiveness but humbly lives it.

Mom Update 2/13/08

Yesterday was a good day. Last weekend wasn't the greatest for my mom, but the past couple of days have been better. THANK GOD! My mom is in fact experiencing side effects from the treatments, but they could be worse, and for that we're all so very thankful.

It never ceases to amaze me how incredible my mother is. We were at the hospital yesterday (since she has daily treatments, we're there at least once a day), and there was a girl probably about my age or a bit younger. We had seen her earlier in a different area with a lady who appeared to be her mom, but the girl was alone this time. We were sitting in the radiation waiting area...the girl was sitting facing us a few chairs down. All of a sudden she gets up, throws her magazine and phone on the floor, and jets to the bathroom to vomit. I felt awful that her mom wasn't there and just wanted to go hug her, but it was a single person bathroom AND I didn't know how she would take it. I mean, some people like to deal with things on their own and don't want other people, especially srangers, to interfere. Of course, my mom's heart really went out to her as well, so she just got up, knocked on the bathroom door, and just helped the girl.

I was so relieved when my mom did that. I know if I was going through something like that and didn't have my mom with me...I don't know what I would do actually. *sigh* It turns out this young lady's treatments began one day before my mom's, but the side effects are really getting to her. The reason her mom wasn't around was because she went to the pharmacy to pick up some nausea medicine.

I don't do well at the hospital. I try to be normal and not let it show, but my heart just breaks because every single day I see these people who are walking through some pretty horrific ordeals. Every single day that they wake up, they have to face this terrible disease and wonder what reactions from the disease or treatments their bodies will have to deal with...either this day, this hour, or this moment. They are very brave people.

My mom is a very brave woman. I hear her thank God throughout the day because she knows her symptoms from chemo and radiation could be worse. God has been good to us. Yes, she's dealing with some physical side effects (nausea, diarrhea, headaches, weird appetite or none at all, light-headedness, etc.), but she says that things could be worse, and she praises God for his grace to endure whatever comes her way.

When I saw some of the cancer patients at the hospital yesterday, I really started praying that my mom wouldn't get this or that or the other. Is that selfish? I felt very selfish, but I just don't want her body to experience all of that.

As we sat down to eat dinner last night, my mom prayed, "Thank you, Lord, for another good day. Thank you that my body is still doing so well, but please help ____ and ____ who aren't. Help those people who aren't..."

It's a reminder to me not only to pray for my mom, but also for the other people around who aren't doing the best. She also reminds me not to forget to thank Him for His goodness. Yes, He has been good, and is good, and He will give us all the grace to endure what may be.

Mom Udpate 2/10/08

I flew into Houston today, and it was SOOOO good to see my mom! She wasn't feeling the best today, but she certainly didn't let it keep her down. After visiting with family for a little while, we grabbed a bite to eat and are now getting ready for bed.

I'm certainly glad that she doesn't have treatments on the weekends because it gives her body a little bit of time to recuperate before resuming on Mondays.

That's it for now.

Update 2/8/08

I hate that I've been awful with updates about my mom, but unfortunately, circumstances beyond my immediate control have prevented me from doing so.

My mom started treatments last Thursday, January 31. Fortunately it was only for 2 days, and then the weekend, during which she has breaks. This week has been up and down for her.

I was planning on going to Texas on Feb 17, but that has changed, and I will now head down there this Sunday, Feb 10.

More to come...

Update 1/25/08

My mom was released from the hospital on Sunday, Jan 19. She returned on Wednesday for the results and treatment analysis.

The treatments will begin on January 30. That day she'll meet with the chemo team, and that afternoon they will begin the chemo/radiation combination treatments. She'll have 28 consecutive days of treatment except for Saturdays and Sundays. She'll have to stay in Houston close to the hospital so that the docs can monitor the side effects and 'reactions' to the treatments.

She'll be staying in a friend's motor home in a nice RV park close to the hospital. It's way more cost effective than hotel or the MD Anderson housing.

Here's an excerpt from an email my mom sent out: "...with everything that has happened in the last weeks all we can say is that we thank God that He has been so good to us! He has open the doors in the place that He wants us to be, and we know that we are in His hands and that everything that happens to us is for good..."

I'm so thankful for a mom that has the big picture in mind. Sometimes things may not look 'good' on the outside looking in, but we know for certain that God has our best in mind. We may not think it's the best, but only He knows the why's of the what's.

2nd update - 1/19/08

My mom is still in the hospital this morning. Her potassium was very low so they hooked her up to several bags. They should be allowing her to go home sometime today.

Update - 1/19/08

My mom spent all day at the hospital on Wednesday, and she was exhausted. She then had to return on Thursday afternoon and Friday morning for more. They ran an extra test yesterday, an ultrasound that would tell how deep into the lining (wall) of the colon the tumor spread.

I didn't get a chance to talk to my mom yesterday after all of it because she was still "under" when I called. Louis (her husband) let me know they'd call on their way home. The call I received was not what I expected to hear. She had to be rushed back to the emergency room because she didn't take well to whatever they did to her. She was very sick, and they had to hook up an i.v.

This is what they do know - the tumor did go through the wall of her colon and got to some lymph nodes. That means they'll have to do chemo and/or radiation before the surgery to remove the 4 inches. I don't know yet when they'll begin this process.

When they do the surgery, she'll have to go in 3 days beforehand to do all the prep. The surgery itself will take 4-6 hours, and she'll have to stay in the hospital for a week. Then she'll have to stay in Houston as close to the hospital as possible in case something should happen.

If they can save her rectum, she'll have a temporary "bag" for about 6 weeks. If not, she'll have a permanent one.

I haven't heard from her this morning to know how she's doing, but I'll update as soon as I know something.

Thank you for your prayers.

Gotta Love 'Em

I don't know many people who enjoy them - tests that is. My mom is pretty tired of them, and I'm tired of them for her, but I know they're for the best...I think. So her new specialist at MD Anderson (the Cancer Center of Texas and one of the nation's best cancer treatment centers) will be running further tests on my mom this coming Wednesday, January 16 and also Friday, January 18. She'll be there all day on the 16th and for a few hours on the 18th. Not only will they run some of the tests that they've already completed (they like to have 2), but they'll have additional examinations to...do something...whatever it is doctors do.

Then on January 23 the oncology team will meet with her to give her the date of the surgery and instructions on further treatment, etc.

That's all we know for now.

It's great to have a mom with a sense of humor during these "ugh" times. She was telling me that she asked God that if He decided to heal her supernaturally to also please take away old scars from previous surgeries, stretch marks, wrinkles, etc. Isn't she cute?

Thanks again for your prayers. We appreciate you.

My Mom

I wasn't sure what to title this blog because as I begin to write it, I'm not quite sure where I'll be going with it.

So we found out just before Christmas that my mom has colon cancer. A specialist from Houston should be calling her within the next couple of days to schedule surgery, during which they'll remove 10 cm from her colon. It hasn't spread further, and that's a great thing! One sorta major complication is that (and sorry if I disgust you with the details...it's just how it is) her rectum is only 5 cm from where they'll be cutting, and they may not be able to save it. If that happens, basically she'll have to walk around with a bag the rest of her life. The doc said that technology is so far advanced that there is another option to the bag...but for now we're just praying that it'll all work out.

I'm sorry if I haven't responded to emails, etc...just been a bit preoccupied with this. I ask that if you're reading this that you pray for my mom and her health. I'll try to update it as much as possible and when I hear anything.

Personally...I'm just heartbroken that my mom has had to go through so much as it pertains to her health. She's been such a trooper through everything else...but I just want her to have a break. I do know, however, that God is in control. He's got the whole world in His hands, remember? Really, though, I know that He cares about her even more than I do (and that's a whole lot), and I just have to trust she's in His hands.

So the thing is...

...moving, new beginnings and life itself all just have a bunch of drama. I haven't blogged because of that...because I've been trying to make sense of it all and haven't been able to put it into words.

Back in September our family was faced with some heavy-duty drama that caused things to sorta stop for a bit. One of our family members was harmed, and the entire family was forced into a very difficult situation. We had to learn to forgive when we were deeply wounded. We had to learn what it meant to really forgive someone when it wasn't deserved. Yet, who are we to say who does or doesn't deserve forgiveness? And who are we to withhold forgiveness? I, we, have all been forgiven a great deal, and I believe God allows circumstances like these to force us to deal with ourselves. Where are we? Do we love as He does?

Honestly, I don't think I was personally dealing with the issue very well. At first, it was easy to respond with forgiveness because that's what I've been trained to do. My mind and my heart were automatically there. Then reality set it a bit more and so did time...and my heart began to harden. I began reacting instead of responding, and I wasn't the typical Susy. In a way, I think I was upset with God for allowing weird things to happen at the most inopportune times. However, I also knew deep in my heart that though it didn't seem like it at the time, He could and would bring something truly great out of trash. My growing process seems a bit slow right now, but He's patient. And I know He'll use this for good. He's causing all of us to grow from it. If it's just for me to learn a bit more how to love, then it's worth it. That's what He desires - to refine us.

So that was an attempt to explain three very long months.

On a lighter note, we've received more snow here than I've seen in my life. It started two or three weeks ago with some ice and then a couple of inches of snow. Nathan amused me and helped me with my first real snowman. Then last week, or earlier this week (my schedule is so messed up these days) we had a day of "blizzard-like conditions" for an entire afternoon which produced 8-10 inches of snow (they're still uncertain) and snow drifts up to 3 feet. I was working during the crazy snow storm and watched people attempt driving. At different times you couldn't see across the street and visibility was less than 1/8 of a mile. Why were people driving in it? I have no clue, but it was also incredibly cold, so cold that people's wipers were freezing. It didn't help that they could hardly see to begin with...I'd never seen anything like it. Thank goodness for my amazing husband who came to the rescue and picked me up from work. I've been driving the little piece of Kia, and it just wouldn't have been able to get through because the snow was so deep. Because Nathan loves adventure and actually enjoys driving in this mess, we went to dinner and a movie instead of straight home (where the sane people were). I was just mesmerized by how much snow there was EVERYWHERE. I've seen snow here and there, but never sooo much snow all over the place. Oh...well except when we went to Montana on our honeymoon. Anyway, I'll try to post pictures soon.

Yesterday we had some snow that didn't stick, but it was all okay because we still have plenty of it from the crazy blizzard-like day. Then last night we got another 5 inches. Okay, so I've been all gung-ho about snow because I come from Lake Jackson, Texas, the place that gets snow once every 15 years...and never like this. The part I really don't like about this is having to drive in it. Ugh. My amazing husband came to the rescue once again and followed me to work this morning. He really wants me to get adjusted to it and get comfortable enough to drive in it. Well, it's not so bad. It's just bad when there's people around. Other cars really stress me out, and I just pray, "Oh, Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus..." He hears that.

Pics soon to come.