Vital Signs

Mom is now in the post-operative recovery room. Her pain is definitely being controlled. It's funny - she'll wake up, ask what time it is, and pump the paid meds. A while ago she asked if it was time to go yet. Then she looked around and realized where she was. Hey, as long as the pain is under control, she can say all those silly things. They really amuse us every time we hear them. Anyway, a doctor from pain control came in to check on things and did her tests. Because Mom's blood pressure has always run low, they don't want to increase certain medications, but they'll adjust the speed at which they're infused. The blood pressure thing can be tricky. Sure, the beeping thing could potentially be annoying, but I love the fact that these machines can constantly monitor everything.

Tomorrow they'll move her to another floor into a permanent room where she will stay for the remainder of the week. I got to take a peek at her ileostomy, and let me tell you - technology and medicine have come a long way. Who ever would've thought to cut your small intestine, turn it so that it's coming through to the surface of your skin, turn it inside out, voila?! I mean, really, who thought to do that? God is pretty genius to give us such great minds and creativity.

Mom's temperature was rising a bit ago. It's almost at 101, so they really want her to use the incentive spirometer (the breathing tool) every hour to bring it down. The spirometer prevents fluids from staying in her lungs.

Okay, so how to pray:
-Pain - The management team seems to be monitoring it closely, but pray that it continues to improve with time
-Health - Yes, pray for overall health, but especially in the hospital as bacteria can definitely breed here. Pray Mom doesn't get any infections.
-Blood Pressure - As I sit and write this, Mom's blood pressure is going up and down. I notice how low it goes because the lil alarm goes off every time. It rises immediately, but please pray that this wouldn't become an issue. It's gone off quite a bit in the past 10 minutes so the nurses are keeping a close watch on all of it.
-Recovery - Tomorrow Mom has to begin walking. They'll get her up quite a bit, and the surgeon said this is what she must do to recover. Pray that we're able to do this.

Thank you all again!

Pain, Pain Go Away

So a couple of hours ago they realized that my mom's pain wasn't being controlled very well at all. She was pretty much in agony, and I'm very surprised they even let me in to see her then. Let me just say that nobody should have to see anyone experience that much pain. Let me also say that nobody should have to suffer or watch someone suffer from this thing called cancer. The thing is that we live in this crazy, sinful world in which there are ridiculous diseases and sicknesses. There's nothing we can do about that. But I'm just glad that we have this incredibly merciful Savior who gives us the grace to live in such a place.

...but back to what I was saying...the pain control wasn't really control at all. I don't think 'manage' is even a term to use for it. So they've decided to do this thing called epidural analgesia. Basically a catheter is just next to Mom's spinal cord giving her a bunch of stuff - to numb her abdominal area and some opioids as well. Even though it wasn't technically visiting hours, they let me in to see her after the procedure for the catheter just so I'd be more at ease (after having seen her in so much pain). During visiting hours the rest of the family went in for their chance. It's cute - the things people say when they're out of it, like "Thank you for praying and for your parents..."

Now is the road to recovery from this. Please pray that the pain will continue to be manged for real and that her recovery would be a speedy, speedy, SPEEDY one. Did I mention speedy? Yes, we're in a hurry for her to be better.

Friends, I appreciate all of you. I was such the nutty basket case this morning, and I really appreciate you gals who listened while I boo-hoooooooooooood and sent the most pessimistic text messages. God is the God of peace and keeps those in peace whose mind is stayed on Him because they trust in Him. I'm learning to do that like never before.

The Longest Four Hours

At around 12 noon, Dr. Skibber came out. He had finished the surgery and said everything went as well as could be expected. He did save the rectum (sorry, more TMI), so she won't require a permanent 'bag.' That was my mom's biggest worry. The best news is that the cancer hasn't spread to any other organs. She does have some 'permanent' scar tissue in her small intestine from the prior crazy surgery and from the radiation. That, Dr. Skibber said, is the case with anyone who's had abdominal or intestinal surgery. Yes, there could be minor issues with that, but it's nothing major. He let us know yesterday that if there was a significant amount of scar tissue or damage there, that he would cut it. It wasn't necessary, so that's good.

We still won't be able to see her for another 1-3 hours. She'll remain in the hospital for about a week and across the street for another week.

Hmmm...I think that's basically it for now. Thanks bye.

Too Much Rice Pudding

So I've been in bed pretty much all day. Yesterday we celebrated Mother's Day for my Granny at my uncle Chris' house, and I must have eaten a bit too much of something. I woke up at 1:30 this morning feeling really nauseated, but when I tried to make it come out so I could feel better, there wasn't much there. TMI, I know. So all day today, I've had stomach issues and fever. NOT good.

Today we were supposed to be packing. Tomorrow morning we have to be at the hospital at 8 for surgery prep stuff. We then planned on spending the night in Houston just down the street from the hospital because Mom's surgery will be first thing on Tuesday morning (though we don't know exactly what time yet). What a way for Mom to spend Mother's Day - packing because I couldn't really muster up enough energy to help her. When my brother and his family came to see Mom, I did ask my SIL to help me at least pack my stuff so my mom wouldn't have so much. Thanks, Naticia!

I make it sound like it was a bad day for Mom...it really wasn't. I just felt bad because she had to tend to me somewhat. She did have great visitors, though, which helped keep her mind off stuff.

I don't know if I'll be able to access my blog tomorrow or before her surgery. After the surgery Tuesday, I'll do my best to post as soon as I can. In the meantime, here's how to pray:

-Peace - Mom hasn't had the best time with surgeries before, so understandably, she's a bit nervous about Tuesday.
-Surgery - Pray that all goes even better than expected, no complications
-Health - Pray that whatever it is I had today would be completely gone and that my mom won't have a hint of it.

I know there are other things, but I'm sure you can think of them better than I can at this moment. Thank you all!

Abiding and Waiting

This hasn't been the greatest week for Mom. She had some vomiting a couple of times due to a diet coke and then attempting a salad. She has still been eating well, but because of the vomiting and a little diarrhea, she's lost weight. This morning she wasn't even hitting 95 lbs. In order for her to heal properly post-surgery, she has to be at a point in which she's strong (maintaining weight, no vomiting, etc.). We go in on Monday to do pre-operative tests and such, and if things remain this way, I have a feeling the surgeon will postpone. He doesn't want to put her in a situation of complications after the surgery.

It can be very discouraging to have this kind of issue so close to the date of the surgery. I wonder what in the world I'm doing wrong, what I could've done to prevent it, blah blah. The thing is - I think we're all doing the best we can considering the circumstances. All else is out of our hands. We have to just put our trust in God for the timing of everything.

Mom is also trying to sell her house. She lives about an hour and a half away from the rest of the family, and it's no longer convenient. The reason she and her husband moved out there anyway no longer exists, so they're trying to sell it quickly and move closer to the rest of the family. So far nothing has happened with it, and that can be discouraging as well. After Mom's surgery we want to be at her house...but it's so far from everyone should we need more help...so if any of you are looking for a 4 bedroom house in El Campo, feel free to email me :)

What else has been going on? Hmmm...I've been learning lessons...well, sorta. You know, I used to be this constant 'machine.' What I mean is that when challenges came up, I just took is as they came. I responded well because I had to; I felt like I was in these positions that required that of me. And there's this thing about abiding - the John 15 thing about abiding in the Vine. We can't bear fruit if we're not abiding in Him.

During the past year I've faced the most difficult challenges of my life. It's been one major thing after another. Lately I've been reflecting on my response to each of those challenges, and I'm understanding a bit more how John 15 applies to my life right now. See, when I was abiding (staying connected and in the Word), responding to situations with a right heart and attitude just happened. When I wasn't 'abiding,' my heart hardened, and I quickly reacted instead of responding.

I'm thinking of a particular situation our family had to face last September that really rocked me. I was doing well with it at first, but then I started to drift a little. Slowly my heart hardened, my attitude changed, and I got angry and bitter about the whole thing. So I decided I didn't care anymore and acted and did things that just weren't me. Don't worry - I didn't do anything crazy. I just acted in a way that was out of character for me. Thank God for great husbands who love us through our nonsense. Nathan just listened, loved, and tried to be as understanding as he could. He also loved me enough to tell me the truth about my attitude and heart and all that. Was there good reason for me to be so upset and angry and stuff? Sure, but it was my response that wasn't the greatest.

So now here I am in the yuckiest situation ever - watching my mom deal with the most ridiculous sickness. I hate it, and yeah, it makes me angry. When the symptoms of this stuff arise, I admit that I have to work really hard at directing my anger. The little things can get to me just as bad as the big things. Like today, it's hard not to be discouraged about my mom's weight loss. It means a setback. It could mean postponing her surgery. But really, what I need to do is chill out and look a little further. So what if her surgery is postponed? Sure, we want to more forward, but premature surgery could be bad news in the long run. So what if we have to wait a little longer? It just means mom will be better off. It means waiting, but waiting isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's what we do with the waiting time. Wait on Him. That's what I have to do daily. Wait on Him and see what He has in store.

Achy Breaky Body

So I know I'll get emails and responses to this about me not having enough faith and blah blah blah, but can I just say that I don't want to get old and be all sick and stuff all the time?

Relief. It's out.

I've been wanting to say that, but I haven't because of the responses I know I'll get.

The thing is that I know it's not about that. I know that it's not just older people who get sick. I'm also not just speaking of my mom. I know that it's not in my hands. Sometimes it's just frustrating.

So then without even knowing what I'm thinking, my husband texts me John 9:1-4...Scripture I used to refer to often.

Update 4.27.08 - We Have A Date!

So Mom was originally supposed to meet with the surgeon tomorrow, but we met with him Friday, and he gave us a surgery date - MAY 13! Mom is nervous but way ready to move on with this, so she asked him if he could go ahead and just do it right then and there. Uh, no. He did say, however, that after she was finished with Friday night's TPN, she wouldn't need anymore since she is able to eat so well on her own now. (That's awesome news by the way)! He also ordered for the PICC line to be removed tomorrow - yay! They had thought about keeping the line in for post-surgery, but it does increase the risk of infection so we're all glad they're removing it.

As most of my blogs have been, I know this is TMI, but it's amazing news so I don't care. About a week ago, Mom had the first painless BM she's had in a LONG time. From then to now, they haven't all been painless, but at least it's not like they were even a month ago. She has also been eating complete meals. She was up to 98.8 lbs Friday (exactly 1 lb lower than her original weight...weight upon entering treatments), and tonight she was right at 99. They say that she'll lose about 10% of her body weight after surgery, so we're trying to pile on the weight right now. I'd like to take it to 110, but in 2 weeks...I don't think that's possible for my mom. Let's see if we can get it to at least 102-104. The only downside to trying to fatten her up is that it's getting to the rest of us. By the rest of us I mean me. You know what, though? I can't complain. My mom would give anything to be able to gain a good 10 lbs.

Okay, so Mom's last surgery was supposed to be this procedure that they do all the time - a complete hysterectomy. Well, it ended up going very badly, and they kinda messed up her bladder quite a bit...a lot. She had issues with that for months and months, and to this day there are things that could go wrong with it. Medical stuff seems to wreak havoc on her body because she is so small and her body kinda frail. With that history, Mom is understandably nervous about this surgery.

The surgery involves some major procedures. Yes, they'll remove about 4 inches from her colon (not much compared to how long it is). They'll then do what's called an ileostomy - uh...basically the surgeon takes a part of the small intestine outside of her skin (like where you and I can see it), and her waste goes into this pouch. Okay so many of you have probably seen this stuff, but I hadn't so I thought it was pretty crazy when I saw pictures (you should definitely Google if you haven't seen this before).

So the ileostomy is temporary as long as they're able to save her rectum (again TMI). If they are, she'll have the bag for the 6-8 weeks of recovery and also for the post-op chemo (post-op meaning post operation, not optional). The type and length of time of the chemo will depend on more pathology reports from the removed tumor. Yes, they already did biopsies, etc. Yes, MD Anderson knows what they're doing when it comes to biopsies. I was asked the other day how it was that they don't know already about the tumor. Uh, yes, the already know, and they've done the biopsies. They just have to do more to test every part of it and things that are just too difficult to explain. Blah blah. So then they'll let us know for sure exactly what kind of chemo Mom will need. She'll do that for 6 weeks to 6 months. We'll see. They want to keep the ileostomy in for that length of time, and then remove it after the chemo...another surgery.

Yes, we have more and more ahead, but we take it one day and one step at a time. Right now we're focusing on sleeping. My aunt Janet has a procedure to remove some pre-cancerous tissue from her breast tomorrow morning, and we'll be up around 4 am. (Please say a lil prayer for her. Yes, we're glad they caught this so very early, but any surgical procedure gets a bit nerve-wracking...especially when the word 'cancer' is involved...whether its pre or whatever.)

Okay, so friends, family - I can't thank you enough for your prayers for my mom. We really do appreciate you so very much. We couldn't make it without you. We need you. I need you. Thank you for your emails, text messages, voice mails, calls, everything. I know I haven't responded to much, but it's not because I don't care. Time gets to be limited, but I'm doing my best during these days in which my mom feels so much better. Again, thank you from US. I tell my mom about all of the people praying for her (some of whom I'm sure I don't even know), and she is overwhelmed with thanks. So, THANK YOU.

Update 4.24.08

Wow. Well, I do apologize for my delay (once AGAIN) in responding to emails, texts, phone calls, and all other forms of communciation. I did make it to Kansas, and I did make it back...the following Monday (Apr 14) for my mom's appt.

So on to business - Mom had an appt with her oncologist yesterday, and he said things are going well. He wants to begin weaning her off of the TPN since she's eating so well on her own and gaining weight (up to 98.6 lbs).

From the time we left the doc's office yesterday to now, we've been receiving calls from his office, the pharmacist (who determines exactly what Mom's TPN requirements are), the surgeon, um...and I'm sure other medical people I can't think of at the moment. The bottom line is, they're all working together to figure out when to remove the TPN, AND (drum roll please) they say that she's pretty much ready for surgery and want to go ahead and schedule it. They've given us a tentative date, and we'll meet with the surgeon tomorrow morning so that he can see for himself how ready Mom really is. He'll let us know.

Oh, one of the calls from earlier today was to let us know that after Friday night's TPN, she no longer needs it. As for the PICC line, I'm really not sure when they'll remove it.

So...before Mom's appt, we went with my aunt (with whom we're staying at the time) to the doc, and she has DCIS, pre-cancerous tissue in her breast. She'll have surgery Monday, so pray that all goes well and that they remove every single bit of it. My aunt, Janet, may have to undergo radiation as well...but we'll see.

...and just a lil something ...Mom, Naticia (my SIL), and me a couple of weeks ago:

Update 4.9.08

Yesterday was a relatively good day for Mom. It was a tiring day for her, but other than that it went well. In 'went well' I'm mainly referring to her eating. She ate little bits of food throughout the day, and we were all so well pleased by how her body was responding. I think this means she's healing well on the inside, and we'll just continue this trend until we're able to wean her off of the TPN. The TPN pharmacist spoke with her yesterday and did stress going slowly so that she wouldn't take any steps back, and he also let us know that we need to keep track of all of her intake including liquids. He just needs to be able to adjust the TPN accordingly (of course, they'll also adjust it according to her weekly lab results).

Later on this morning I'll also head to Kansas for a few days to pick up some clothes and a few other things. It's a bittersweet morning because I'm so looking forward to seeing my hubby...yet...I don't like leaving Mom even for a few hours, much less several days. I know she'll be fine; I'm just used to being with her all the time.

Playing Nurse

Getting the vitamins ready...


Connecting this to that...


Flushing and connecting Mom...

Update 4.7.08

Our visits with the doctors today were very...interesting...??

Mom first had an appointment with a skin doctor. She developed several (about 5) spots on her body in mid-February. The radiation people couldn't figure out what it was. They thought it had something to do with the chemo. The chemo people thought it was some kind of fungal or bacterial thing like ringworm. During one of our trips to the emergency center, one doctor thought it was ringworm and another didn't have a clue. So they decided my mom should see the skin doctor just in case...just in case what? They were basically checking for skin cancer. Well, she is free and clear of that. The thing about 'rashes' is that there can be like a gazillion forms of them, and so the doctor was honest and told us it wasn't anything to worry about and to put such and such cream on it.

The surgeon - it seemed there was some sort of misunderstanding. See, the surgeon came in and immediately started telling us that Mom can't go into surgery in her condition, that she needed to be on her own, and he was very insistant about these things, the bottom line being that she doesn't have enough protein to heal afterwards. She would be at extreme post-operative risk for infection and all kinds of problems. We knew all of that. I was actually quite concerned that he would be soooo concerned. I mean, I thought Mom was on her way to getting stronger, etc. According to the other doctor, she was headed in the right direction. Well, then the doctor says something like, "...so, we can't go into surgery this Thursday or next Thursday, whichever one it was..." I guess at some point they had scheduled Mom to have surgery, but we had never been told about the date. See, when she was admitted to the hospital both times, her doctor kept the surgeon abreast of everything that was taking place. The surgeon was well aware of Mom's condition; they had just forgotten to remove the surgery date from her schedule. So the surgeon came in thinking that we were thinking she'd go into surgery this week or next. We weren't thinking that at all. In fact, we knew that it would still be several more weeks. All that to say that we were relieved to know that the surgeon's major concern was trying to go into surgery now. We definitely know that's not possible.

He did say this - mom needs to eat. In order for her to be surgery ready, she needs to be eating on her own and eating WELL. That doesn't mean eating good-for-you food. It means she needs to gain weight and be at a place where she's not being sustained nutritionally by the TPN. Yes, she must start slowly, but she must start now. She still has to do the soft diet thing for now, but she has to just do it. He wants her eating all day long rather than meals.

So this is how I ask that you pray:
Pain - Yes, I've said the pain is pretty much under control. What's painful for Mom now is 'passing' the food (having a BM). She can feel the food going through her intestines, and that's the painful part. So pray that they (he intestines) would heal completely, and that she wouldn't be fearful of eating because of the pain that she'll have later.
TPN - We need to wean her off of this. It'll be a slow process, but it must be done. In the meantime, we don't want her to have any kind of infection from the TPN. That's one of the main concerns when it comes to the TPN - infection. Our bodies were not meant to be fed this way, and the doctors don't like to keep patients on these longer than they have to because of the somewhat high risk of infection.

I think that's it for now. Oh, good news - Mom gained one whole pound since they weighed her at the hospital last Wednesday. Considering she had not eaten hardly anything at all since that time, it's great news. We want this to continue!

I like pictures, so I'll try to do better with posting more. I just don't feel right about taking pictures when Mom's not feeling well. I mean who wants a camera in their face when feeling awful? I have, however, been able to take a few here and there. Hope you're enjoying them.

This is Mom showing off her new haircut, color, and how she sports around her food (the nightly TPN).


This is the medical supplies we use to connect the TPN and change her dressing.

More Pics

This is Mom on March 14 after being hospitalized for a week. You can't tell in this picture, but from the waist down she was so swollen that she was larger than me.



This is Friday, March 21 during her 2nd hospitalization. My brother was taking Mom for a daily walk.


This is Mom with Tia Janet on March 24 just before being released (2nd hospital stay).


Mom with one of our favorite nurses, Moly (yes, only one 'L').


Tio Phillip giving my mom a pedicure.

Finally - Pics

Here are a few pictures that I've been meaning to post...

This is Mom on her last day of radiation (March 5) with 2 of the radiation specialists. The bell that you can hardly see is the one she got to ring to celebrate the completion. I didn't capture that moment, but at least I got this one.


This was this first time my mom got to see Tia Estrella after her stroke. The reunion.


Last day of treatment...what a journey...

Update 4.6.08

So most of the time no news is good news. That's basically what it's been this past week...for the most part.

Mom's appointment with the doctor last Wednesday went pretty well. He said that her nutrition levels are going up, and her blood work was progressively looking better and better. He was very happy with what he was seeing. Awesome! He also said Mom could SLOWLY begin trying soft foods. She would be the only judge of what would or wouldn't work. Unfortunately, I think we were a bit aggressive with the soft foods, and we took a step back on Thursday. Because of that she didn't want to try anything Friday. Saturday (yesterday) she was completely out of energy all day long. She has been much better today. Her energy picked up, and we can tell that she definitely feels better than she did yesterday.

Mom's pain is at a minimum now ...that is until she eats. When she eats it still doesn't hurt the way it used to. Her stomach, we believe, is digesting things well because now she just hurts when she has to 'pass' the food...in other words have a BM. That is still terribly painful, and it's not the kind of pain that her pain meds will help. So, of course, this keeps her from eating. She's still receiving the TPN during the night, so we don't have to worry about her nutrition. The challenge is that she is hungry. For the first time since November or so, Mom has actually gotten her appetite back (which was actually one of our prayer requests). Well, maybe that's not what she needed so much. Sometimes it's so hard with this stuff from a day to day basis. So...she has her appetite and wants so badly to eat. At night when we lay down to sleep, her stomach will growl and growl from hunger. It's really hard when we're sitting down to eat...I hate putting food in my mouth knowing that she can't. Ugh. I wanted to go on a liquid diet with her, but for ceartain health reasons, I cannot do so at the time. I don't know if we should pray now for her appetite to leave until after her surgery...what to do...

Tomorrow we meet with the surgeon, who should be able to give us more of an idea on a date for the surgery. I don't think he'll give us an actual date. I think he has to wait for her intestines to completely heal and for her to gain weight. That could be a while. He may not, however, so I'm definitely looking forward to what he has to say.

I leave for Kansas on Wednesday and will return on Sunday or Monday. I'm mainly going to see Nathan and then to get a few of my things...if you haven't heard yet, he and I have decided to make the move. Yep, we are moving down to the Houston area. We don't know exactly where to yet, but it'll be somewhere close to Mom. I definitely couldn't be much help to her 987 thousand miles away from her, so we've decided that this is the best place for us at least for now. Kansas has been good, but I'm super excited about being close to this side of the family again. So I'll be picking up a few things this coming week. As for the rest of the move...we have no clue yet when all of that will happen, but all in its time.

Before I go, I just want to say how incredibly grateful I am. You know, things aren't easy. Life itself isn't easy, and going through this with Mom has been the hardest thing in my life as of yet. There are days that seem gloomy, dark, and downright depressing. Why depressing? To be honest, I just wonder. I wonder why. I wonder why in the world God would allow this. I know that He's so well capable of just making it all stop, much more just ease some of the 'stuff' that has come along with the complications. To be even more honest, I do my best to stay positive, but sometimes I don't do the best. Sometimes I'm pretty bad at it. Sometimes I'm really weak. So with all that said, I just want to say again that I'm grateful because in spite of the apparent 'darkness' that may be around us, there is light. There are blessings all around us, and I don't want to miss out on what I can learn in each and every situation.

I'm grateful for a husband who so selflessly is willing to pack up and move down here so that I can be close to my mom (and the rest of my family, of course, but my mom being the focus right now). I'm grateful for a husband who spent so much time with me on the phone the other night, reminding me of the light, reminding me that we live be faith and not by sight. I'm so awful - even when I remind him of his weakness(es), he doesn't even dwell on that. He reminds me that this earth is only temporary, and that what counts is the eternal. He reminds me to look up rather than down or around here on this earth.

I've always been a pretty optimistic person, but lately I don't really know what's gotten into me. The thing is that I don't want to be that person who focuses so much on the negative that she can't see the great things that are happening. I'm not that kind of person naturally, and I don't want to become that. So I leave with this - be thankful, Susy, for what you have. Things could be so much worse in so many ways. Thank Him that you are alive one more day to experience His goodness.

Update 4.1.08

So I lied when I said I would post something yesterday. Even though things have slowed down for us, it's still difficult to find the extra time and even energy to blog. I do have some pictures I want to post and will do so soon.

The past couple of days have been pretty good days here. Mom has asked for her pain medicine less and less, but she constantly thinks of and wants some solid food. We're hoping that during her doctor's visit tomorrow, he'll let her go on a few solids or at least blended food. Mom has lost more weight. Yesterday she weighed in at 89 lbs. Yikes! We are all eager for her to eat some real food to gain a little weight. The TPN isn't designed to add weight to her body, but losing it is something that is unexpected, so we'll see what the doc says tomorrow. The pharmacist in charge of Mom's TPN called today to see how things were going, and said that he'll wait to hear from the doctor about increasing the calorie count in her bag.

So back to solid food - yes, we'd like for Mom to be able to have some, but we also know that we must be very cautious about it because if the inflammation in her intestines hasn't gone down, solid food will just mean pain, pain, pain trying to go through them. She gets gas from all this stuff (I know, tmi), and even just gas is terribly painful for her.

How to pray:
-positive news from the doctor about the intestinal inflammation
-rest - Mom still gets up almost hourly, and so our rest is somewhat disturbed. I'm still having trouble going back to sleep once we're up. It seems mom still has 'weird' dreams. I can't figure out of it's the pain medicine or...what.

Thank you all for you love and prayers. You encourage me so much!

3.30.08

I had some questions and emails regarding the PICC line and TPN, so this is to inform about it a little.

Because Mom's intestines need to heal, the docs don't want her to eat any solid foods. She's on a liquid diet. She's receiving nutrition intravenously through a line that goes from her arm to her heart. Everything she needs is in it. We have to hook her up every night, and it runs for about 12 hours. The bag is actually called TPN, total parenteral nutrition. The TPN is delivered with an infusion pump. Thank goodness it's not as big as the machines at the hospital. This is a little machine that fits in a backpack type bag with the TPN, and it's not difficult for Mom to carry.



A great nurse came the first night to show us how to do it, and the second night a different nurse showed up who relied more on us than we on her on the usage of the line.

So every night we take out the TPN from the fridge around 6:30 or 7 PM. An our or so later, we put the gloves on, inject some vitamins into the bag, flush the lines, clean this, clean that. purge this, and then finally connect the line. The line is just above her inner elbow on the left arm. Because it's something that goes directly into her blood, and because there's like an actual hole where the line goes in and stitches holding it in place, everything has to be clean, clean, clean.

They also certified me at the hospital on how to change the dressing. That part they're more paranoid about because the line and the area where it goes in is actually exposed. Everything has to be not just clean then, but it must be sterile. There's this whole process with that too. Stink! I should have gone to nursing school. At least I've done it a couple of times now (the dressing change), and I'm not so paranoid about that one now. The dressing can't get wet, dirty or anything like that. So when it's time for a shower, we have to cover it completely. At the hospital they used plastic wrap and taped it really well. A nurse in a dressing change class mentioned that one of her patients used the Glad Press & Seal. I don't know how it works on plates, but it sure works on skin and on itself. We use a few of those and then tape just to make sure nothing leaks in, and so far that's been great.

What else with the PICC line? ...Oh, Mom does have to make frequent (hourly) trips to the bathrom at night, so rest at night isn't the best. She is able to go right back to sleep, so that's awesome. Usually I'm the only one that has sleep issues after waking up. I'm not sure why, but I try to fit in a nap during the day to make up for it.

There can be complications with the TPN and the PICC line so please pray that we have none of these. So far so good, and we want to keep it that way.

Pictures tomorrow...

Update 3.28.08

So I know I said I would update yesterday, but time got away from us. That happens these days. Thankfully, things have slowed down, and my mom's health is headed in the right direction.

Okay, so I'll try to pick up where things left off last week. Be ready - this will be a long one :)

Tuesday - The fam showed up, and I left the hospital for a couple of days to rest and refresh. After being with Mom 24/7 for over a month, not seeing her for 2 days was kinda hard. I wanted to see in person how she was doing. The family was great at keeping me updated, and their reports were this: pain is under control, she's looking better, feeling better, no vomiting or diarrhea, and the external swelling is getting better.

During the time I was gone, my mom did have what I consider a major procedure - the docs placed a picc line from her arm to her heart through a vein to give her the nutrition she needs. They figured out that her bowels (intestines) are still VERY inflamed. After she was released from the hospital the prior week, they had told her she needed to eat, eat, eat to heal. Well, that was the problem. She was eating, but her bowels were so swollen that the food wasn't getting through very well. That was causing much of the pain. The intestines were so swollen that only liquids could get through easily; anything else was getting stuck...trying to get anything solid through would indeed cause a ridiculous amount of pain. So they now ordered a picc line, through which she would get all of her nutrition. They also restricted her diet to clear liquids. She's to 'eat' (drink clear liquids) only for pleasure since her nutrition is coming through the line.

So once they started that and she had passed the solids already in her body, she began to improve. When my brother & I returned on Friday to spend the day with Mom...I just can't begin to tell you the difference we saw in her. The external swelling had gone down, her pain was in control, and she was smiling - that was the biggest deal to me.

Family stayed with her once again on Friday night.

I returned to the hospital Saturday morning to take over the duties again seeing as the plan was for her to be discharged on Monday. We did have a bit of a bad pain episode on Saturday night, and for a bit I began to really get discouraged. I told my brother something like, "...I think it's me...when I'm around, she's in pain and all this crazy stuff happens. When I leave, she does so well...I may need to watch from far away..." Of course, I knew it wasn't true, but you start to doubt truth and believe all kinds of lies sometimes when things look really ugly. Okay, maybe you don't, but my human nature did show itself on those rough, rough days.

What took place that night was the same thing as before - food trying to get through the bowels. Some doctor at one point had told my mom that it was okay for her to go on a 'soft food' diet, meaning they were allowing solids. Well, this was a day that neither one of her main docs was around. It never should have happened. As soon as the solids were (very painfully) through the intestine, she was much better. So back on the clear liquid diet once again. The downside to it - for the first time in months, my mom has an appetite...but she can't eat. Ugh! Note to self: NEVER take eating for granted.

Easter Sunday was a pretty good day. Of course, she was very tired, but overall she was okay. We're all super happy about the picc line because it means my mom is getting exactly what she needs, which she probably didn't even get before all of this. The downside to it is that she wakes about every hour or so to use the bathroom (from the liquids going in). So not only did that keep her up, but as soon as she would begin falling asleep after coming back to bed, the nurses were in to check vitals or give her meds. So annoying...but I know it's their job.

Monday (release day) I could tell Mom woke up feeling ...not as great as Sunday. My aunt, Janet, came early to help during the discharge, and she, too, could tell Mom wasn't doing so well. After our own process of elimination, we narrowed it down to this one pill they were giving her - a 'bowel motivator.' It's this dumb 'lil pill that they said was so the bowels wouldn't just be sitting there. You know what, though? We were reading the literature on it, and it says something like, "...if you have any intestinal obstruction or tumor...DO NOT TAKE." HELLO! After she was able to release some of the pressure caused by the pill later that day, Mom did much better. We left the hospital in the early evening and headed to my uncle Phil and aunt Janet's place. We'll actually be staying with them until the surgery. They have a one level house that is way more comfortable than the trailer, and my mom said it was time to come here.

So what's happening now?

Through the course of the week, Mom has looked better and better each day. Her swelling is completely gone now - GREAT NEWS! The only downside to that is how skinny she is. She has in fact lost some weight (is at 94 lbs), and you can tell it. Tia Janet, though, gave her a new haircut today that filled her face out (doesn't look as long and skinny). Her eyes also don't look as dark from being 'sunken in.'

Mom had a doc appointment on Wednesday, during which he showed us a chart basically of her nutrition level just before, during and after her treatments. I was shocked to see how low she got before actually improving. She bottomed out almost at the lowest number on the chart. She's not yet back to normal, but she has improved by leaps and bounds and mountains and skies. If I get a chance to one of these days, I'll scan and post the chart.

Why was her nutrition so low? Practically speaking it was the chemo and radiation treatments. More specifically...there was a lot wrong, but one of the main things was her extremely low albumin level. Google albumin to read about how important that protein is for our bodies. At the hospital they gave my mom some albumin intravenously, and you could see the difference in her body almost immediately. When I figured out how albumin works, I realized why her swelling wouldn't go down.

So today we went out to run and errand and to see my aunt Estrella (who by the way is doing much better for those who have asked about her). We stopped for ice cream on the way back, and yes, Mom had a little. It was sherbet, and she's allowed a little. She didn't even eat a 1/4 of the child-size cup, but she'd also eaten some hard candy earlier. Since she hadn't really consumed much sugar, we believe it was the cause of some nausea (which until now had been pretty silent for days) she felt later on in the day and in the early part of the evening.

I can't think of much else right now...it is getting late, and good sleep can be a luxury these days. :) Not to worry, though...

Thank you all so very much for praying and keeping up with us as we journey through this chapter. I think I failed to mention how God answered our prayers in terms of:
- healing of the sores in Mom's mouth
- external body swelling - completely gone
- pain - this has been pretty well managed. They say she'll have a bit of pain until after the surgery, but on a scale of one - then, they'd like to keep it between one and three. Mom's pain has remained in the one and two category for the most part. There are times when it rises some, but it's usually brief, and we're narrowing down the causes.
- energy level - Mom has been moving around like I haven't seen in a LONG time. We're cautious with her, taking her recent fall into consideration, but she's up and around and walking a bit now.
- appetite - it's almost sad that Mom's appetite is back because she can't eat solid foods yet. She's craving, yes CRAVING many things, and it's hard to tell her no. Sure, she could cheat, but the thought of the pain that comes with food going through the inflamed bowels keeps her from it. Let me say it again: NEVER take eating for granted...

...much less...

...so many things...there are so many things we, I, take for granted on a daily basis. This journey has caused me to appreciate so many everyday things - eating, drinking, walking, LIVING without pain, being able to sleep not just on my back but in so many different ways, being able to sleep period, brushing my teeth without all kinds of painful sores, sitting, a body that functions properly, using the facilities painlessly, so much more. I think daily, I'm reminded of at least one more thing that I take for granted and should appreciate more.

Thank you, Lord, for my good health. I thank you that in spite of the challenges my mom is having, You love her and have never, ever left her side through all of it. You care about her more than anyone here on this earth, and I believe you hurt when she does. I don't understand why certain things happen to certain people. I don't understand all of this...I don't know that I understand any of it. BUT I do know that You are faithful. Your ways are higher than ours, so I won't attempt to understand all of it. Help me to learn what I should. Help my mom on a daily, hourly, momentary basis. I thank you for the grace you give her every single day to walk through this fire. Please help those we love who are also battling and fighting the fight of their lives - you know of whom we speak. In Jesus name, amen.

...but when I get to heaven, I think I'll still have a few questions for ya...

I am so sorry that it has taken me 9 million years to respond to emails and inquiries about mom. I will update thoroughly tomorrow, but for now I wanted all of you to know that she's doing much better. Mom is out of the hospital and is feeling way better.

Details tomorrow...

Update 3.19.08

Sunday - Mom progressively felt worse

Monday - We couldn't manage Mom's pain. We paged the doctor several times and ended up at the ER when his directives weren't working.

They admitted her and began the testing.

So far this is what we know - the scan showed 'obstructions' in the loops of her intestine, the obstructions being the inflammation and the tumor. She had a 'pic' (sp?) line put in her arm for nutrition and will have it until after the surgery. At first they said no to food, then they changed their minds to allow soft, bland foods, but they may change their minds again. They seemed to have managed her pain so far, and that's awesome news. The swelling in her body is still there, but it seems to be getting a little better.

Yesterday with all the drama, our AMAZING family showed up. Almost all of the brothers and sisters who live nearby came to help as well as my brother, and it was such a relief to me. They booted me out and are taking turns staying with her through out the day. I was becoming quite the emotional mess lately so it's a good thing for me to get away as hard as it is to leave my mom. I didn't want to leave, but I know I can't be much help to my mom if I'm not strong myself. It's hard for me to watch people in pain...and my mom...seeing her that way is almost unbearable sometimes.

So I heard that Mom had a pretty good night once her pain was managed. They sedated her in order to put in the pic line, and the family says she's doing okay.

I'm so very thankful for a family who pulls together and pitches in when we most need it. Thank you guys so very much! Last night there were like over 10 people in one little itty bitty room...but you know what? It was strength to my mom to see her brothers, sisters, and her kids right there with her. She's still thinking of others instead of herself - meaning she asked them all to make sure I was okay and to take care of me yada, yada - just like her.

So I'm sorry I haven't updated this, but I just haven't been able to do it the past couple of days.

Thank you all for your prayers, emails, text messages. They encourage me more than you know. If I don't answer my phone, it's only because I'm on it, away from it, or I just can't at the time.

I'll try to post some specific prayer requests soon.

Update 3.15.08

Guess who got to come home? That's right - my mom! Well, home being the travel trailer at the RV park, but it beats being at the hospital. We've been there since midnight Saturday, and it's good to see the sunshine and hear the birds sing.

Mom is doing a little better. She is still swollen, but we finally got a good explanation from the chemo doctor as to why she's so swollen and why it'll take time (a couple of weeks probably) for the swelling to go down completely. See, the treatments deplete quite a bit of nutrition, etc. from the body. Mom's protein is quite low not only because of the treatments, but also because for a week or two she could hardly eat. Then there was the vomiting and 'd.' The doctor said that what she needs to do right now is eat, eat, eat. Yes, she needs protein, but more than that she just needs to eat high calorie foods. Her diet is still limited because of the diarrhea. She can't eat much fiber or milk products. The milk products part is bad because those are the easier ways for her to get protein. Yogurt had been one of our best friends, but she has to limit that for now.

She's on some pretty potent medicine for the pain and also to control the diarrhea. Too many BM's mean dehydration but not enough is constipation. Of course, the medications all have their side effects so we're trying to manage that as well. It's all a huge balancing act.

We're thankful that the mouth sores are almost completely healed. That means Mom will have an easier time eating. That's awesome! The swelling is SLOWLY but surely going down. It'll be a a while still for her to come back down to normal, but little by little we think it's getting better. It's funny - my mom is almost my size now. She's so tiny normally that seeing her this way (as long as she doesn't feel bad) is almost kinda cute. For the first time ever, she has some hips. We're thinking she weighs about 110 or more. The bad thing about this swelling is that the swelling does hurt sometimes. In fact, last night her back was hurting from it pretty bad. This morning, we walked outside for a few minutes (enjoying the Houston weather before it hits 85).

Mom is still eating better and better every day. She had a plain junior cheeseburger last night. Hey, fast food right now is a-okay since we're trying to bring up her calorie count. Oh, another awesome thing - twice this week my mom was actually hungry. She hasn't actually been hungry since November or so. She eats because she has to, but she's just never hungry. Well, twice this week she was, and that's AMAZING news. Thank you, God!

How to pray:
-appetite - pray that Mom's appetite grow more and more
-swelling - pray that this continue to go down QUICKLY. Again, it'll take care of so many things, and she'll actually be able to eat a big bowl of fruit - something she's been craving for a while
-pain - that this contine to ease. She hasn't asked for as many meds for that today, so that's a good sign.

That's it for now. I thank God every day for all of you who are praying for my mom. Your prayers really work when we are just worn and drained. THANK YOU!

Update 3.13.08

It's been an up and down day, but mostly it's been a bit rough. The swelling from the fluids has my mom not just miserable but also in pain. As of tonight, no more pain medicine through the IV; we're down to the patches and a couple of different types of pills.

Um...I'm kinda tired so I'll make this a short one.

Please pray for:
-the pain to be managed better
-rest, rest, rest, without pain
-inflammation to go down - this will take care of a number of issues
-mouth sores to heal
-energy level to rise

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, emails, etc. Just when things seem to be too difficult, we receive a word of encouragement, a Scripture, or something that just revives us. When the Lord lays any of that on your heart, don't hesitate to email me. His Word is LIFE.

Update 3.12.08

Monday - Mom was still feeling pretty bad from the prior day. Her small intestine, though very inflammated, has no infection. That's a great thing. Now it's just waiting on it to return to normal. Until it does, we're to expect diarrhea. The urinary tract infection is being treated with antibiotics. Her legs began to swell quite a bit because of all of the fluids they were giving her. She wasn't releasing them so they had to put in a folie, a urine catheter overnight to release some of the fluids and pressure. If it's not one thing, it's another, huh?

Tuesday - Mom felt better than Monday. They removed the folie (sp?), and she was doing okay on her own. Her legs and body were quite swollen up to her waist. We're doing all the things they say to do - elevating her legs and talking walks. Oh, better appetite.

Wednesday - The doctor wanted to release her, but they decided against it because they needed to wean her off the pain medication they were giving her and transition to an oral med. They gave us a plan of how they'll do this. Up until this afternoon, she was feeling very well. In the morning, her legs weren't quite as swollen as yesterday, but they started pumping her with more fluids for fear of dehydration (the whole small intestine and diarrhea thing). Her legs and waist are big again, and she wouldn't even mind it except that it becomes uncomfortable and then even painful. So she had that kind of pain as well as the abdominal pain she's been having. The process of weaning her off of one thing and getting her onto another is...still going. Mom ate really well this morning and at lunch. Her mouth sores prevent her from eating 'hard' foods, but we're finding our way through it. She used some of that numbing stuff, but even that has it's ups and downs. Until she tires of them, poached eggs, linguini alfredo, and yogurt are our good friends.

So here's how you can pray:
Pain - pray that we learn how to manage this between today and tomorrow so that if she's released tomorrow, the transition is painless. Pray that the mouth sores (from chemo) will be healed so she can actually eat the things she wants (now that she actually wants to eat more).
Protection - pray that neither of us catches any of the hospital bacteria 'stuff.' She cannot afford to deal with anything else, and if I get sick, it puts me out of the picture. She needs care right now 24/7 so that would ...not be a good thing.
Peace - there are so many details that would take too long to go into, but things can get frustrating at times. This little problem can cause that, and that can cause the other thing, and the cycle can literall make someone crazy. Pray that we continue to lean on Jesus.
Rest - we really need some sleep. The crazyness of the infection and the inflammated intestine are enough to disturb our sleep every couple of hours at night. Then there are the doctors and nurses who need to check this or that. It's exhausting.
Inflammation & infection - pray that the intestine and bladder are healed QUICKLY.

The good news is that from here things should get better. That's what we're believing so please stand with us.

Update 3.9.08

*sigh* I haven't written updates lately because we have been in and out of the hospital and ER since Thursday. Not long after I wrote the last update on Thursday, my mom was reaching for something, her left leg gave out, and she fell. Thank the Lord she didn't hurt herself. Her leg wasn't numb, it didn't tingle, it didn't hurt - it just wouldn't hold her weight...her mere 100 lb body (and that's only from the IV fluids). After many, many tests, an MRI, a CT scan and hours at the ER, we were eventually told that her leg was weak because the radiation had gone to some nerves in that area. They also said it wouldn't be permanent damage. We were there from about 2 in the afternoon until 3:30 the next morning.

The next day we had a regular appointment during which we let the radiologist know what happened the prior day. He was not at all convinced about the reason for her fall...or the reason we'd been given, so he ordered another MRI, more blood work, and urine samples. At this point, we were going on pretty much zero sleep so my poor mom was beyond exhausted. My aunt Janet and Ivonne came to help, and honestly, it was just a huge relief. Many have offered to help...sometimes I just don't know how they can...I guess I just needed to see their faces because I broke down upon sight of them. My mom was feeling pretty cruddy by this point, and I was getting more and more...frustrated (if that's the word) because of my inability to help her more. I just didn't know what to do.

When we finished the MRI, we were supposed to go to a dermatologist appointment to see about some non-chemo and non-radiation spots that were showing up on her body, but once the doctor saw how tired she was, he sent her home. OH, but not before letting us know that she had a bladder infection - thus the fever and new abdominal pain.

We both crashed when we got to the travel trailer...only to wake to a fever (she had the fever, not me). It was over 102, so Janet and Ivonne stayed quite a while to help me get the fever down. They also helped me by cleaning up and even taking our laundry.

Yesterday (Saturday) my brother and his family came over from morning until after 5. They also helped us quite a bit. During that time, my mom didn't feel terrible, but she didn't necessarily feel well. Things progressively got worse. My mom is something else...she tried and tried to make herself feel well. She ate a little, she drank as much as she could without getting nauseated, she took her pills, and she just tried. She woke up about hrs after we'd been sleeping to use the restroom, and as soon as she tried to lay back down, she vomited oh so much. She was in pain again (the patches and pills weren't working), and...she was just miserable. This time, she didn't have to be convinced to go to the ER; this time she asked us to take her. So off we went around 1:30 in the morning.

More blood, more X-rays, and another scan. Around 5 in the morning I took a nap, while Louis accompanied her to do the scan. That took forever, of course, but it was well worth it. My brother and Naticia came once again to help out (thanks Rach for keeping the kids!). What did they find? Well, the bladder infection wasn't just a bladder infection. She has an intestine infection. See, the areas where she was receiving radiation are expected to be swollen, but the other parts aren't. They found a swollen loop that shouldn't have been, and that's because there's an infection. At that point, they decided to admit her - a HUGE relief to all of us. We've been doing our best to manage the side effects of the chemo, radiation, and all the pills she's taking...and the side effects that come with the pills and the side effects to those...it's a never-ending cycle when it comes to drugs. Honestly, though, it has become beyond overwhelming to keep track of this stuff because now there were new pains that we couldn't treat and new symptoms. Now we could finally get the professionals to deal with what we're completely unable to manage ourselves.

So that's where we are now - in a room where my mom can be treated by people who can help. The chemo doctor came and got involved while she was at the ER, and he's closely monitoring her along with her surgeon (future surgeon) and other doctors. The staff here have continued to be great. The only downside to being here is that they constantly wake her up to check her vitals and other stuff, so she gets woken up quite a bit. Yet, it's something I had already started doing with her at home to keep track of her fever, and it's so much better here because they can finally treat the problem.

Three trips to the ER in one week for my mom...her little body is starving for rest, so pray that she be able to get that. That lil body is also in need of nutrition, which she'll be able to get more little by little here.

What's next? We'll be here for at least 48 hours, after which the doctors will reassess her condition.

How is she? Better. I've never seen my mom look the way she has the past couple of weeks, and writing this update is almost reliving some of it. I don't like it. It broke me, and it continues to break my heart. I've never gone through anything more trying or that causes me to doubt so much or that causes my heart to literally fall to pieces every 5 minutes. This isn't just my mom; next to Nathan she's my best friend. She's this angel for whom I care with my whole heart - watching her go through this hellish storm is...a reminder of how much I need Jesus. In the midst of her pain, my mom comforted me (while I'm supposed to be doing that for her) and said, "As much help as you and others have been to me, I know I couldn't make it without the Lord. I know He is right here with me." And she means that. When she is feeling miserable and in pain, I hear her crying out, "Help me, Jesus. Help me now..."

It would be so easy to give up on Him. I mean, where is He when she's in pain? Where is He, and why doesn't He just put it to an end? I mean if He is who He says He is, can't He just make it all stop now? I think He can. But why doesn't He? I don't know. I don't know that I'll ever know or understand Him and all His ways. I just know that He's worthy anyhow. My mom reminded me the other day to love God not because of what He does but because of who He is. I mean, we love people, or should love people because of them, not for what they do for us. The book of Hosea is somewhat about that - loving someone in spite of what they may or may not do. God loves us that way, and I'm challenged to love Him because He is I AM.

There's this song I love and fell in love with when I first heard it because it challenged me to do just that - love the Lord completely even though I haven't seen Him (emphasis added at the end mine).

I have found exceeding joy,
Jesus answered when I called
this Name that has saved me,
pure love that embraced me.
Mercy, grace, eternal life.
Bought from darkness to His light.
While lost in my sin, He
raised me and made me live.

My soul magnifies the Lord,
my heart joys in God my Saviour,
for He lifts the lowly,
He's done great things for me.
I will sing, praising evermore,
He is mighty and Holy is His Name.

I will lift my head up high,
praising Jesus through each trial.
Though I have not seen Him,
I love Him completely.

Copyright 2002 Miriam Webster/Hillsong Publishing

Update 3/6/08

It's just before 11, and here we sit, lay, and rest. Yesterday was a great day. It was a very long day, but it was great nonetheless. My mom had a doctor's appointment in the morning, so we headed out and finished up with that and bloodwork just before noon. On our way out, my mom wanted to stop at the hospital cafeteria to get some Chick-fil-a nuggets - crazy, huh?! She hasn't really had much of an appetite so that was music to my ears. She only ate a couple of them, but that was okay. I think the grease and honey mustard got to the sores she's now getting in her mouth. I could tell she was getting tired so we headed home.

We had a few hours before her last treatment, so she laid down for a nap. Upon waking, though, she had a fever, and although it was a low-grade fever, we needed to let the doctor know. There was a bit of miscommunication, and they thought she had a 103 fever, so we rushed over. After realizing it wasn't so high, they let us know what to do in the future.

On our way to the radiation area, she was surprised by some of the family who showed up to celebrate her last treatment with us. The biggest surprise was my aunt Estrella, who recently had her stroke. Their family is actually moving down from Oklahoma, and my uncle brought her to see my mom for the first time since the stroke. It was awesome! I'll post pics of their reunion soon.

So she did her last treatment and rang the bell. She still had some fever from earlier, but from the excitement, I don't think it was really bothering her. What a great moment for all of us.

Unfortunately that wasn't the end of the day for us. My mom still had to get some fluids through IV so off we went. By the time we finished all of that, it was nearly 10, and my poor mom was exhausted. We still had to travel from one building to the other, wait for the car and drive home. At least the valet people kept us laughing. It's been good to see my mom smile and hear her laugh. After a terrible week (last week), it's very relieving and such a joy to see her smile.

We have doctors' appointments tomorrow and Monday. We will continue to stay in Houston at least through next week so that we can be near the hospital for the appointments and in the case my mom should need to visit for any reason. We expect the side effects to come to a peak in the next few days but then to subside little by little.

This morning my mom had a little fever, but it has since gone, and we are going to take it nice and easy today. For breakfast I got a little creative in making a peach smoothie for her. She's still limited in what she eats, and fresh fruits are out, but that's where creativity comes in...not something I'm a natural with, but at least it came this morning. I added a little protein powder to it, and she ended up drinking the entire thing!

I know the battle isn't nearly over, but I'm grateful for the victories we've had already. For a while, every day may continue to be a fight. I know, though, that He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. The victory is already ours, and we're just walking in His grace according to His will.

Update 3/4/08 - another one

We just got home from the hospital about 20 minutes ago. *yawn?* My mom had fluids through IV scheduled at 5, and they take 3 hours to finish. She started at exactly 6 pm, and we finished around 9:20. Well, we were in one building, and to walk to the building where you have to park, it takes a good 20 minutes...walking at a regular speed. Since my mom is too weak to walk much, she's been using a wheelchair, and it would've taken us FOREVER. The great thing is that they have little 'shuttles' (oversized golf carts) so getting to the building wasn't a problem...um, but they finish their rounds at 8:45 pm. We could've walked it, but unfortunately my mom has had way too many bowel movements today (all the 'D'), and there's no restroom on the way to/from...

...well, security called a van that drove us to the building, blah blah. We're kinda worn today. I say that knowing that my mom is BEAT. I have nothing about which to complain.

So yeah - the doctors want her to have at least one bowel movement per day but no more than 3. Today we're already above 9. Thank goodness she was scheduled for fluids because otherwise she'd be dehydrated already. If it continues, though, we'll have to make another trip to the ER. You know, the ER is not something I dread. In fact, it's almost comforting because they can help my mom in ways that we cannot. Of course, we do our best to avoid that, but I'm glad it's there if we need it.

And (yeah, I know it's not grammatically correct to begin my sentences this way) let me just take this time to say how great it is that 99% of the hospital staff has been amazing. And it's great that we just give them my mom's lil patient number, and they know pretty much EVERYTHING about her. They can pull up her labs at any moment, etc etc. Their system allows the kind of efficiency that Susy believes belongs everywhere in the world.

Okay, so as I finish this and you read it...hopefully we'll be on our way to my mom's last radiation treatment. She just finished some yogurt with protein powder, and is working on her liquids. Let's pray for no ER!

Tomorrow she rings the bell!

Update 3/4/08

Let me just tell you that I have a resilient and strong mother. She's the most courageous and the strongest woman I know. What makes her strong? She relies on God for help rather than these crazy medicines, and she's faithful to praise Him even in the worst of times.

Last night was a bit long. At 2 a.m. she woke up to use the facilities and ended up being there quite a while (Mom, if you ever read through these, I'm sorry to tell about all this, but it helps people know how to pray). Finally around 3:30 she laid down only to get the hiccups (that's right) for a while. She actually had the hiccups about 4 times yesterday. She was finally able to doze off right after 6 this morning. The great thing - no pain!

As the day has progressed, she has eaten better and has taken liquids better. She got very nauseous and had a tiny bit of vomiting just after we returned from the hospital and before she ate, but she felt much better after wards. She's laying down, napping, and at 5 we go back to the hospital for an IV of fluids to prevent dehydration.

So it's set in stone - tomorrow is the last day of treatments! I can't wait to see my mom ring the bell at the radiation entrance/exit that announces she has finished. The side effects will be here for a couple of weeks still, and the radiation will continue to work for another month. BUT we have something for which to look forward. We will continue to stay in Houston at least through next week to be near the hospital in case we should need anything. We'll meet with the chemo doctor tomorrow and the surgeon on Monday. The surgeon should let us know when she'll have a scan to see the results of the radiation on the tumor and to determine the plan of action for the surgery.

On our way to the hospital this morning, my mom thanked God for all the people who are praying for her. Then she started singing - she was praising God, and hands down it was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. My 'eye faucets' couldn't hold it in, and I cried all the way to the hospital. Your prayers strengthen us, so from the bottom of my heart - thank you.

THANK YOU, LORD!

one more for the day

As I type, my mom has just fallen asleep with a bit more nutrition in her system and without evident pain. The meds are working, and most importantly, Jesus has answered our prayers. He has relieved and eased the pain. For His name's sake, He has shown Himself faithful. Whether or not He comes in our timing or our way, He will answer.

Tonight we ask God, our Father for rest. May we all rest, not just physically, but in every way - knowing that He is sovereign and in control. He will work things out according to His will. To that, we surrender and lean on His grace and arms to hold us up when we can no longer do it ourselves.

Update 3/3/08

I'm so sorry I haven't updated this in a couple of days. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster here.

Saturday - By saturday morning, the 'lil morphine lollipop had kicked in, and my mom got to feeling better. My brother's family all came over and spent most of the afternoon with us. It was great to see my mom feeling better. She even ate a little bit of turkey with her crackers. Then came the evening...

...she started with the stomach cramping again, so we tried little bits of the lollipop. She woke up several times in the night with the pain, and the morsphine lollipop was hardly working. Apparently the morphine patch wasn't either. It had kicked in at some point on Saturday evening, but apparently it wasn't strong enough.

Sunday morning - pain, pain, more pain. My mom wasn't able to eat but a couple of spoonfuls of yogurt. Then immediately the pain would come. She couldn't drink either. She could eat the crunchy Sonic ice, but only little bits at a time. We tried another morphine patch but knew it would take 12 hrs to kick in. Around 4 pm we noticed she had fever. She was in the fetal position because of the pain. I don't remember experiencing anything this gut-wrenching. My heart was beyond broken, and we just didn't know what to do.

Well, that's what ER's are for. We got to the ER around 4:30, and she was admitted immediately. Her potassium was low, but at least not as low as it had gotten before her last trip to the ER, as was her magnesium. So they set up the IV with potassium, magnesium, and an antibiotic in the case of an infection. Since her body is immune-compromised right now, it can't fight infections by itself. They wanted to take a precaution in case the fever was from an infection. Then they hooked us up with a different kind of morphine. This stuff worked. You know, I'm all about natural stuff, but I have NEVER EVER been more thankful for medical technology. Thank you, Jesus! So after whatever the name of the stuff they gave her went through the IV, my mom was already feeling better.

They did run all kinds of blood tests and xrays. All came back a-okay. You know what was really incredible? The radiation doctor showed up when he heard she had been admitted. We see him weekly, but it's not his responsibility to show up in these situations. Most of the time they're not even aware until later. Not only did he come, but he came! It was a huge deal to us, and let me just take this time to say how incredible he is. This doctor is going to get extra little blessings in heaven for his kindness towards us.

Okay, so everything came back fine, but they wouldn't release my mom until her potassium had gone back to normal. They have to pump it very slowly so that there's no heart damage. The radiation doc looked at all of the tests himself and then talked to us.

The fever - he believes it was a 'tumor' fever - the tumor breaking down a little bit - GREAT NEWS! He said that could also be the reason for the severe stomach cramps. Yes, low potassium can cause muscle spasms, but it's not typically the stomach, and it wouldn't be that bad. So in his words, "I'm so sorry I can't give you a definite answer on the abdominal pain. Medical technology is imperfect, and I'm sorry we can't give you the cause; BUT at least we can take care of the symptom, AND we've made sure it wasn't any obstruction or anything of concern..."

His empathy, honesty, and care really encouraged us.

GREAT NEWS AGAIN - instead of the 6 radation treatments my mom had left, he's taking it down to 3! That means that Wednesday of this week will be the last of it. I'll explain on another blog more of the details of the science of why she couldn't stop at 22 treatments but can stop at 25. She'll still feel the most serious side effects for about 10 days after the last treatment, but the radiation itself will keep working for another month or so. Unless something changes today, Wednesday is the last of this radiation nonsense. THANK YOU, GOD!

Today - the pain is in control, and we're just gonna keep using the magic lil pill along with the morphine patches. They seem to do the trick together.

*relief*

I can't begin to explain how awful it was to see my mom in so much pain. Unlike her daughter, she can take quite a bit. I know when she complains about pain, it's serious. So when she moans and groans from it, ugh...again, I don't think my heart has ever hurt so much.

BUT our faith remains in Jesus. We have been comforted by Him through your love and prayers. I can't express my thanks to you for your love for me and my mom. I need you and thank you for standing with me/us through all of this. God is greater than any sickness or disease and will show Himself strong and faithful.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

Update 2/29/08 - Modern medicine is pricey

Last night was quite a night. With the diarrhea and the stomach pain, my poor mom couldn't rest well.

My mom's pain today got progressively worse. Her stomach hurt so bad she could hardly eat. We did get to see the doctor, who gave her Rx for pain. One of the prescriptions won't kick in for about a day or so, but the other did. Yes, at about 10:30 tonight the pain began subsiding. As we got ready for bed, though, we learned that her stomach didn't take it well - vomiting. It was only once, but enough to deplete her of the nutrients she so needs right now. That 'lil pain lollipop killed the pain at a price. Pray that the vomiting will stop - too much more will land us in the ER.

We decided to stay in Houston this weekend rather than make the drive to El Campo.

I think that's all for now.

Update 2/29/08

This was a pretty tough day. It's kinda difficult to explain it all without taking all eternity, but just pray for my mom's health. She was in some pretty awful pain this morning. Let me just be blunt - the diarrhea, radiation (in that very spot), and everything just has her raw, bleeding, and feeling as is she's being jabbed with a knife. Using the facilities is something we probably don't think twice about. The pain got way too intense today, so we tried to see the doctor when we went for the daily treatments. Unfortunately, he was no longer there for the day, but his PA was paged, and she gave us a prescription for something that she said would help with the pain. It hasn't so far, so mom is currently trying to sleep it all off. We do have an appointment tomorrow , so please pray that they'll be able to do something, anything to relieve this.

There are 7 more treatment days, and we're counting down like never before. Monday, March 10 is the day...it can't get here quickly enough! She'll still have the effects of this for 1-3 weeks afterwards, but at least at that point it'll be 'downhill.'

Humanly, we are at the end of ourselves. I can't help my mom with this pain, and she can't help herself. We are at a place in which we are relying completely and totally on God. We know that He is MORE than able to help as He has done so much already. We also know that His grace is sufficient. So please help me pray for my mom. Sometimes I feel like I ask God the same thing over and over, and then I feel like I've run out of things to pray. Lately I've just been saying, "help." I ask Him for healing, life, help, strength, grace, peace, comfort...I ask for Him.

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

Update 2/27/08

Well, today was a better day than yesterday. My mom did have stomach pain/cramping, but it wasn't as bad as it was yesterday. We had to make a trip to El Campo for some paperwork for which she had to be physically present. The trip would normally take a little over an hour, but it took 2 today. We had to stop several times to use the facilities. She was exhausted when we returned, but it's something that had been hanging over her head so it's a HUGE relief that it's dealt with for good.

I think the emotions of everything have just been building with us so we had a bit of a cry together on our way back because we were relieved and just...emotional about everything that's taking place. So you know what my mom said? She said, "Thank you, God, for being so so good to us. You are so good, so good."

Just as Job said, "...though He slay me, yet will I trust Him..." That's what my mom was doing today. In the midst of her pain, she thanked God for His goodness. God is worthy of our praise in the good times and the bad, and he deserves the praise because of who He is, not what He does. So as Hebrews 13:15 says, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise.

Wonderful, merciful Savior, precious Redeemer and Friend;
Who would have thought that a Lamb could rescue the souls of men?
Oh, You rescue the souls of men.

You are the One that we praise, Your are the One we adore.
You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for,
Oh, our hearts always hunger for.

Update 2/26/08 - You had a bad day?

Today was kind of a bad day for my mom. She woke up with such little energy that little things, like blow-drying her hair, were draining. It's fun playing hair, but I don't necessarily care for the circumstances.

We made it to the hospital an hour after my mom's first appointments were supposed to begin, but it was just a slow morning. Fortunately, the doctors, nurses, and staff at MD Anderson are incredible, patient, and understanding. They just took us in a bit later. I'm such a freak about promptness and all that, but it's so nice to know that the people here are so understanding about the circumstances.

The doctor let us know that my mom's condition is normal. The side effects are just kicking in more as they had expected they would. They said the awful cramping could be caused by a couple of things. Basically, things are as they should be, and they just encouraged my mom to "hang in there." They know it's easier said than done, so they're careful to listen to everything we have to say and answer all of our questions.

In humor, my mom asked the doctor if she could kinda just take a permanent break from the treatments. Of course, he said no. The treatment has to run its FULL COURSE for it to achieve the desired results. And what are those results? To shrink the tumor and stop any kind of spreading of the cancer. These experienced professionals are giving her the 'dosage' the tumor needs and that her body can handle. I say that knowing that her body is frail, and they know that as well. They know her body will take a 'beating,' but they're monitoring all of it carefully.

I say all of that because I was 'reprimanded' at one point for not asking the doctors to decrease her dosage and for not getting enough information as to the progress. Um, the thing is - we've asked them all of those questions. They continue to let us know that, again, this has to run its FULL COURSE. Believe me, I would love more than anything to stop all of it right now, but I can't do that. People (not doctors I might add) have also recommended all kinds of treatments to my mom and how this can do that and whatnot. You know what? Those may or may not work. What we're doing now is the same. HOWEVER, this is the course of action chosen, and my mom is trusting that God will guide her and help her through each and every step. I know people mean well, but I guess I'm sharing this just so that all know kinda where we are.

Touchy, huh? Sorry...weird phone calls.

Okay, so back to today - as we were leaving the hospital, my mom suddenly hunched over in pain from stomach cramps. A kind nurse (on her lunch break) quickly came to us, helped get my mom to a chair, and went out of her way to get a wheelchair. How does one stay strong in a time like that? Well, again, the cramps are somewhat normal. Specifically the doc said it could be from too much imodium or a reaction of something she was eating...combined with the chemo and radiation. The pain subsided and was even gone within 5 or 10 minutes - thank you, God. My mom was able to eat a little (the menu choices for her are dwindling quickly), and then she napped for about 2.5 hrs. This evening she felt a bit better, but she on and off just feels yuck. That's the only way I know to describe it right now.

So please pray that this cramping nonsense will stop. The other stuff is bad enough. This added to it is just not ...good. Oh, my mom has last 2.2 lbs this past week, so pray that she'll be able to eat a little better to maintain her weight and her potassium (they've put her on potassium so that she doesn't have to worry about even coming close to being low).

I mentioned yesterday that she had 9 treatments left, but we were a day off. She had 10 left, and as of TODAY she has 9.

I've been singing the first verse of this song over and over, meditating on it and making it mine. It's my comfort when things look so wrong...

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Update 2/25/08

Well, thank God that my mom only has 9 more treatments to go. That's right - we only have the remainder of this week and then next week. Unfortunately, they say that she'll still have some of the major side effects from this stuff 3-4 weeks after it's over. Either way, at least we're counting down.

My mom is pretty much a trooper when it comes to pain and discomfort. She's always been that way. That's why I know that when she says, "I really don't feel well..." and asks for help...I know it's serious.

This morning was pretty rough for her. If it was pure discomfort, it would be one thing, but to see her in pain is quite another. She was sick this morning (I don't like to post some of the details because they gross some people out. If you're interested in knowing how to pray more specifically, just email me) and slept as long as she could before getting up to get ready to head to Houston. I waited until almost everything was packed to wake her. That's so hard - having to wake her up to take meds or whatever else. She had little energy and just wanted to lay down. Shocking?! *sigh* If you know my mom, you know that laying down and resting is just something she doesn't do. The fact that she wanted to lay down was a sign of how fatigued her body was.

We made it to Houston with time to eat lunch AND time for her to take about an hour nap before her treatment. After her treatment, we sometimes try to go to the store or something just so she's not inside all day (she can't be out in the sun right now). Well, today, she didn't even want to wait in the car while I ran in to get some water. She just wanted to lay down. So we came to the travel trailer, and she started to nap again.

My uncle Phil and aunt Janet came this evening to visit for a little while. It's so good to see family, and it's so kind when they have the time to come by. Everyone has so much going on with, and we definitely don't expect anyone to come all the way out here to visit. It's a great surprise when they do.

You know what was good medicine? My mom's laughter. She was talking to my aunt Estrella (who, by the way, is progressing amazingly), and they had a little laugh. That little bit, though, cheered us both. A spoonful of laughter makes the medicine go down...or something.

So that was our day. The evening was a bit better than the morning, but this is definitely taking its toll. My mom prayed today, "Jesus, please help me. I can't do this on my own, but I can if you help me, so please just help me today...and please help..." It broke me. I try my best to be strong for my mom and keep the tears to myself, but today it was hard. Her trust is in Him, who is our ever-present help in time of need.

My hope is built on nothing less
thank Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

Thank you!

Friends and family - thank you for your continued prayers for my mom. We may not understand how prayer works, but it does. Thank you, also, for your calls, text messages, etc. to us. We really appreciate them. I haven't been able to respond to some of the calls and voicemails, but I know you understand. I can't tell you how much it means to know that you're thinking of and praying for us. You strengthen me. I may not get back to you for a while, but know that I so appreciate and love you.

Update 2/24/08

Friday - my mom got to come home once again for the weekend, and that night was pretty uneventful. She was tired so it was good for her to be able to just rest in her own home.

Saturday - well, yesterday was not the best day. Not only was my mom fatigued, but she had stomach pain and had challenges when it came to using the facilities. Of course, that just wears her out more, so she spent the day laying down on the sofa.

Today has been okay. She woke up feeling a little better but still very tired. She's still having other challenges, but it's not as bad as yesterday. She's sleeping right now as I type.

It's heartbreaking to watch my mom's energy decline and even more so her health from the side effects of the treatments. I'm thankful that she only has 2 more weeks of treatments. That's right - 10 more weekdays, and this phase will be over! Then we wait several weeks and allow her body to recover before the surgery. So in the meantime...we pray. I ask God to relieve her of the symptoms, and I ask Him to give her the grace to endure what comes.

Update 2/21/08

Tomorrow we get to go home. After my mom's 8:30 appointment in the morning, we head home for the weekend...well, her home. Home to me is...well, it's strange...when I speak to the people in Kansas about 'home,' I'm speaking of my Texas roots and vise versa. That saying, "home is where the heart is," I guess I understand that a bit better. My heart is with my family, and that is home to me. I miss Nathan so much. I have a really great husband who has given me the freedom to come and go and be with my mom as much as I think is necessary. I just really miss him.

So back to my mom - both yesterday and today she had relatively 'good' days. The doctors continually express how well she's doing considering the circumstances. One of our main tasks now is to keep my mom's diet where they want it, meaning she must eat a specific amount of calories, protein and a minimum amount of fiber each day. With the help of fitday.com, tracking things isn't that bad (we use fitday to keep track of her nutrition and calorie intake not a weight-loss journal for her). Getting my mom to actually at over 1300 calories every single day is a different story. She does like to eat, but for several months hasn't had appetite. Her meals are also very small, so I'm doing my best to get her to snack. The fun thing is that she gets to snack on high-calorie foods that we healthy people wouldn't normally eat on a regular basis.

My aunt, Estrella, has also had some pretty good days (today & yesterday). She has more and more movement with her left limbs, and she was even able to walk a little today (with help, of course).

Every day is a new day. We don't know what it will bring - trouble, hardship, joy, strength...none of us know. I do know this - God's mercies are new every morning. He's here in our victories as well as our sorrows. We must come to a place in which we're able to thank Him in each and every circumstance. We must thank Him in the sunshine, and we must thank Him in the storm. If we knew no dryness, how could we love the rain?

Update 2/19/08

Up until yesterday afternoon, my mom was feeling pretty well. During a doctor's appointment, though, she ad to excuse herself to use the facilities. The doctor said that this is just around the time when the side effects get worse.

So mom is now on a low-fiber, higher-protein diet. One of the main side effects of radiation (sorry to gross you out here) is diarrhea, and they want to control that as much as possible. So everything they say to eat to avoid cancer, my mom can't eat right now; while she can and MUST eat all the things we would typically avoid in a healthy lifestyle.

In addition to her blood test yesterday, they did another test to see if mom has a bladder infection. Yesterday she was in quite a bit of pain (different from the stomach pain she experiences). Because it was a culture they took, it will be a couple of days before they know if it was an infection they must treat. Let's pray it's not!

Today mom's stomach has been under control thus far. She's not used to eating so much protein, so her stomach felt pretty heavy after lunch.

Today is also a better day for Tia Estrella. In spite of her physical challenges from the stroke, she called my mom today to find out how she was doing. They said my aunt has actually been moving her left side a bit, and that's awesome news. The Lord is faithful.

With Fam

This is my mom, me, Ivonne (aunt/sister), Cara (niece). It was so nice of them to come see us on Valentine's Day.


...and with Allison and Jacob (da broda's kids), who came to see us on the weekend.


Thanks, fam, for coming to keep us company! And thanks to the fam who did come but aren't pictured and those who went to see Tia Estrella.