Update 3.9.08

*sigh* I haven't written updates lately because we have been in and out of the hospital and ER since Thursday. Not long after I wrote the last update on Thursday, my mom was reaching for something, her left leg gave out, and she fell. Thank the Lord she didn't hurt herself. Her leg wasn't numb, it didn't tingle, it didn't hurt - it just wouldn't hold her weight...her mere 100 lb body (and that's only from the IV fluids). After many, many tests, an MRI, a CT scan and hours at the ER, we were eventually told that her leg was weak because the radiation had gone to some nerves in that area. They also said it wouldn't be permanent damage. We were there from about 2 in the afternoon until 3:30 the next morning.

The next day we had a regular appointment during which we let the radiologist know what happened the prior day. He was not at all convinced about the reason for her fall...or the reason we'd been given, so he ordered another MRI, more blood work, and urine samples. At this point, we were going on pretty much zero sleep so my poor mom was beyond exhausted. My aunt Janet and Ivonne came to help, and honestly, it was just a huge relief. Many have offered to help...sometimes I just don't know how they can...I guess I just needed to see their faces because I broke down upon sight of them. My mom was feeling pretty cruddy by this point, and I was getting more and more...frustrated (if that's the word) because of my inability to help her more. I just didn't know what to do.

When we finished the MRI, we were supposed to go to a dermatologist appointment to see about some non-chemo and non-radiation spots that were showing up on her body, but once the doctor saw how tired she was, he sent her home. OH, but not before letting us know that she had a bladder infection - thus the fever and new abdominal pain.

We both crashed when we got to the travel trailer...only to wake to a fever (she had the fever, not me). It was over 102, so Janet and Ivonne stayed quite a while to help me get the fever down. They also helped me by cleaning up and even taking our laundry.

Yesterday (Saturday) my brother and his family came over from morning until after 5. They also helped us quite a bit. During that time, my mom didn't feel terrible, but she didn't necessarily feel well. Things progressively got worse. My mom is something else...she tried and tried to make herself feel well. She ate a little, she drank as much as she could without getting nauseated, she took her pills, and she just tried. She woke up about hrs after we'd been sleeping to use the restroom, and as soon as she tried to lay back down, she vomited oh so much. She was in pain again (the patches and pills weren't working), and...she was just miserable. This time, she didn't have to be convinced to go to the ER; this time she asked us to take her. So off we went around 1:30 in the morning.

More blood, more X-rays, and another scan. Around 5 in the morning I took a nap, while Louis accompanied her to do the scan. That took forever, of course, but it was well worth it. My brother and Naticia came once again to help out (thanks Rach for keeping the kids!). What did they find? Well, the bladder infection wasn't just a bladder infection. She has an intestine infection. See, the areas where she was receiving radiation are expected to be swollen, but the other parts aren't. They found a swollen loop that shouldn't have been, and that's because there's an infection. At that point, they decided to admit her - a HUGE relief to all of us. We've been doing our best to manage the side effects of the chemo, radiation, and all the pills she's taking...and the side effects that come with the pills and the side effects to those...it's a never-ending cycle when it comes to drugs. Honestly, though, it has become beyond overwhelming to keep track of this stuff because now there were new pains that we couldn't treat and new symptoms. Now we could finally get the professionals to deal with what we're completely unable to manage ourselves.

So that's where we are now - in a room where my mom can be treated by people who can help. The chemo doctor came and got involved while she was at the ER, and he's closely monitoring her along with her surgeon (future surgeon) and other doctors. The staff here have continued to be great. The only downside to being here is that they constantly wake her up to check her vitals and other stuff, so she gets woken up quite a bit. Yet, it's something I had already started doing with her at home to keep track of her fever, and it's so much better here because they can finally treat the problem.

Three trips to the ER in one week for my mom...her little body is starving for rest, so pray that she be able to get that. That lil body is also in need of nutrition, which she'll be able to get more little by little here.

What's next? We'll be here for at least 48 hours, after which the doctors will reassess her condition.

How is she? Better. I've never seen my mom look the way she has the past couple of weeks, and writing this update is almost reliving some of it. I don't like it. It broke me, and it continues to break my heart. I've never gone through anything more trying or that causes me to doubt so much or that causes my heart to literally fall to pieces every 5 minutes. This isn't just my mom; next to Nathan she's my best friend. She's this angel for whom I care with my whole heart - watching her go through this hellish storm is...a reminder of how much I need Jesus. In the midst of her pain, my mom comforted me (while I'm supposed to be doing that for her) and said, "As much help as you and others have been to me, I know I couldn't make it without the Lord. I know He is right here with me." And she means that. When she is feeling miserable and in pain, I hear her crying out, "Help me, Jesus. Help me now..."

It would be so easy to give up on Him. I mean, where is He when she's in pain? Where is He, and why doesn't He just put it to an end? I mean if He is who He says He is, can't He just make it all stop now? I think He can. But why doesn't He? I don't know. I don't know that I'll ever know or understand Him and all His ways. I just know that He's worthy anyhow. My mom reminded me the other day to love God not because of what He does but because of who He is. I mean, we love people, or should love people because of them, not for what they do for us. The book of Hosea is somewhat about that - loving someone in spite of what they may or may not do. God loves us that way, and I'm challenged to love Him because He is I AM.

There's this song I love and fell in love with when I first heard it because it challenged me to do just that - love the Lord completely even though I haven't seen Him (emphasis added at the end mine).

I have found exceeding joy,
Jesus answered when I called
this Name that has saved me,
pure love that embraced me.
Mercy, grace, eternal life.
Bought from darkness to His light.
While lost in my sin, He
raised me and made me live.

My soul magnifies the Lord,
my heart joys in God my Saviour,
for He lifts the lowly,
He's done great things for me.
I will sing, praising evermore,
He is mighty and Holy is His Name.

I will lift my head up high,
praising Jesus through each trial.
Though I have not seen Him,
I love Him completely.

Copyright 2002 Miriam Webster/Hillsong Publishing